For those of you whose husbands work long hours...

[Anonymous]

Plan to be by yourself and then include him if he comes. "Hey, I am taking Larlo on a walk. Do you want to come?" Yes, great. No. Ok
"I am going to the zoo with Larlo. Would you like to come? We can take two cars and you can leave if you need to."
"I am going to Florida for a week on May 16. We have a hotel room and the hotel has a pool. I have dinner reservations for three nights."

He can't think that far ahead or wont or whatever. You make plans and make it an option for him to come - like if you know that May 16 is a week he is on trial, don't pick that week since there is no way he can come. But, if there is another "less busy" week, try for that one. You need to live your life. You will feel incredibly resentful if you just sit around waiting for him. He will need to make it a priority or not. But that is his choice. It will either force him to talk to you "hey, I feel left out" or "I miss seeing the kids. I was super sad to not get to go on vacation. It was fun" or he will continue in his pattern.

My DH is not in big law, but he does have long, unpredictable hours and is often not around. I know why it is happening, so I need to make space for him to be involved without making my participation contingent on him.

If you can swing a monthly babysitter, I would do that. Go out and get your nails done, sit in a coffee shop, meet a friend for lunch. Do something just for you. Again, don't wait on him to be available to relieve you.

Finally, not sure how old your kids are, but mine are more vocal now. The oldest will say things like "I wish you were able to come to the zoo" or "I was the only kid without their dad at practice today" or whatever. They are expressing their needs, and it kills him that they feel that way, so he make more time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very possible that if you take him on vacation, he'll work from the hotel room while you spend all day exploring and in the pool with the baby, etc. So yes, you'll be in Hawaii but you'll still be doing all the same stuff. Do you have a nice relative you can go visit for a few days who will help with the baby? Can you hire help?

This is what big law is like. This is why my husband left. He realized he couldn't keep up his end of our agreement (that we'd have a baby only if he'd be the main parent) if he stayed.

So unconventional! Seems silly he even tried BigLaw; I’m guessing he figured you would swoon once you saw Babykins and decide to SAH. Jokes on him!

Wow, you couldn't be more wrong on every single aspect of what you said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's very possible that if you take him on vacation, he'll work from the hotel room while you spend all day exploring and in the pool with the baby, etc. So yes, you'll be in Hawaii but you'll still be doing all the same stuff. Do you have a nice relative you can go visit for a few days who will help with the baby? Can you hire help?

This is what big law is like. This is why my husband left. He realized he couldn't keep up his end of our agreement (that we'd have a baby only if he'd be the main parent) if he stayed.

Your husband (and you?) thought he could be in big law AND be the main parent?

[Anonymous]

Is your DH a partner or associate?

I think this is a time management issue or he doesn't want to help. Billing 12-14 hours a day is a lot, even for an associate.

My DH had a better schedule once he made partner. He now works 8-7 and is usually present on the weekends.

Be prepared to still be solo on vacations, holidays, etc. since you never know what big case could come up and need his attention.

[Anonymous]

You kind of know this going in. You don't take these jobs expecting to be present as a parent or spouse. You take them because you're a confused, status-obsessed douche.

[Anonymous]

DH has been in BigLaw for 5 years, partner for three. I SAH and cannot imagine having a career with his job demands (unless I had a live in nanny). We have three kids- two in school and a baby. Honestly Covid has saved us in many ways. DH works from home 3-4 days a week now and it saves two hours of commute time (we are in bethesda and his firm is downtown DC). He is able to be present in the morning to see the kids and help with breakfast while I workout or do whatever. He usually has calls starting at 9:00 but those hours in the morning are so precious instead of him racing out the door by 8:00. He tries to break away for dinner and then usually has to log back in for a few hours but at least he’s there when the kids get home from school. Weekends ebb and flow- sometimes he can go to sports games and sometimes he has to work. We took an amazing spring break trip and he had to work in the hotel room 80% of the time because when a client want stuff done it has to get done . It’s not easy but it’s what you make of it.
But if your husband cannot make time for you or the baby at all, it’s either because he isn’t managing his time or he isn’t prioritizing you two. Every spare moment my husband has he tries to be with us.

[Anonymous]

My DH works long hours and I SAH. I could have continued working with full time help but it wouldn’t have been easy or enjoyable. When one person has a big job, the other has to either take a step back or be ok with the kids essentially being raised by grandparents or a carer.

[Anonymous]

As a recovering big law attorney, I'm not sure if this is a time management issue. I left big law because I wanted to have a family, and, personally, didn't find it compatible. You said that your husband has been in big law for a year. Is he a new attorney or just new to big law? Is he a first year associate, senior associate on the verge of partner, partner, etc.? Being a junior associate in big law is hella hard. While I do think work/life balance has possibly improved a bit in recent years and there is more flexibility/less focus on face time, you really do have to prove yourself and your work ethic to an intense degree. As a junior associate (it got better by mid-level), I worked every evening and most Saturdays/Sundays. I also took little vacation and often worked on vacation. I did have some time on the weekend to socialize and see friends, but I didn't have many adult responsibilities at that point in my life and I had outsourced cleaning and laundry. So, if I wasn't working, I could spend the time doing something fun. Now that I'm married and have a kid, I think I'd have almost no free time. You do get more efficient as you get more experienced, but this takes time and actual experience rather than just desire. Yes, he should have an hour to spare on the weekends, but it is not unusual that he is working late every night and working on weekends (and this is even more typical for someone new to big law). I do think this is fairly well known about big law, so I'm surprised this wasn't discussed before he took the job. Regardless, I think it is unlikely that his work/life balance is going to get notably better anytime soon. It sounds like it is time for some serious discussions about goals, short/long term plans, finances, and how you manage and divide responsibilities. If you can afford to outsource, that will solve many, but not all, of your issues. While an obvious solution is for him to find a new job, I think it will be hard if he has only been at the firm for 1-2 years, and also might be damaging on his resume.

[Anonymous]

play "The cat's in the cradle" whenever he walks in the room.

[Anonymous]

Whether this is a time management issue or the nature of the work depends on his specialty and, to some extent, the individual partners or clients he works for. My husband is in biglaw (and I used to be too). He works long hours but they are flexible hours and hardly any travel. We still get in fights sometimes about him not pulling his weight but in general he makes a real effort to be an equal parent. But we have friends that have specialties like international tax that are always traveling. And some partners are total assholes to their associates and demand that they be available 24/7. No matter what the cause is though, you have to be willing to give him an ultimatum on this (assuming you're OK with him leaving for a lower-paying job). Tell him to find time for you or find another job, or you're out (or perhaps you want an open relationship instead). No use being in an exclusive relationship with someone who is basically absent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very possible that if you take him on vacation, he'll work from the hotel room while you spend all day exploring and in the pool with the baby, etc. So yes, you'll be in Hawaii but you'll still be doing all the same stuff. Do you have a nice relative you can go visit for a few days who will help with the baby? Can you hire help?

This is what big law is like. This is why my husband left. He realized he couldn't keep up his end of our agreement (that we'd have a baby only if he'd be the main parent) if he stayed.

So unconventional! Seems silly he even tried BigLaw; I’m guessing he figured you would swoon once you saw Babykins and decide to SAH. Jokes on him!

Wow, you couldn't be more wrong on every single aspect of what you said.

I am curious, wasn’t being critical. Happy to hear more. We wanted to be a SAHD family but DH found it too isolating since SAHM crew didn’t include him or our kids and he got the “SAH is cover for unemployment” vibe often

[Anonymous]

If you’re waiting to see if there are long term side effects to the vaccine you’re going to have to wait long term - like 30 years. Thus the “waiting” makes no sense.

Get it or don’t but stop saying you’re waiting.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM and my husband’s #1 priority is family.

But it was still hard when the kids were little!

[Anonymous]

DH is a big law partner. We have two toddler and another on the way. I had to quit my (lucrative and prestigious) consulting career when we had our first because it was unsustainable. I will go back to work once the kids are in school full-time.

Crucify me but we have a full time nanny. I'm always one on one with a kid and this allows me to focus on them or go to appointments, do all the laundry, cook three nice meals a day. Without her it would be a lot harder.

I will say, when DH is with the kids he is present. He gets them up in the morning and eats breakfast with them, eats dinner with us and does bathtime and story time. This works because DH is completely devoted to our kids and his job, probably to the detriment of his personal life, of which he has none. This is the type of person it takes to make big law partner though, he is just capable of the grind in a way I'm not. It doesn't seem to bother him.

If your husband is not like this...put your foot down. Because he will have to make the choice between having downtime and his kids, and a lot of these partners choose personal downtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a big law partner. We have two toddler and another on the way. I had to quit my (lucrative and prestigious) consulting career when we had our first because it was unsustainable. I will go back to work once the kids are in school full-time.

Crucify me but we have a full time nanny. I'm always one on one with a kid and this allows me to focus on them or go to appointments, do all the laundry, cook three nice meals a day. Without her it would be a lot harder.

I will say, when DH is with the kids he is present. He gets them up in the morning and eats breakfast with them, eats dinner with us and does bathtime and story time. This works because DH is completely devoted to our kids and his job, probably to the detriment of his personal life, of which he has none. This is the type of person it takes to make big law partner though, he is just capable of the grind in a way I'm not. It doesn't seem to bother him.

If your husband is not like this...put your foot down. Because he will have to make the choice between having downtime and his kids, and a lot of these partners choose personal downtime.

Yes to the last line. If family is important to you and your husband chooses personal downtime over kids, it’s okay, and in fact necessary, to tell him that’s unacceptable. He can find a job where he can do both. Family > money.

Also to the PP thank toj for this paid, it was all very validating to hear how somebody makes things work with a husband similar to mine.