Girlfriend is very messy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How messy? Are we talking clothes everywhere or dirty dishes?

OP here. I’ve been to her place twice and both times it was messy. I understand a little mess because that happens, but her kitchen was filled with dirt dishes and left out food, her living room had cups and dishes left out on the table, and her bedroom, had clothes all on the floor, and the bathroom had makeup and other stuff and towels thrown everywhere.

My place isn’t always super neat but I do make it a habit to put food away and my dishes in the dishwasher. I do a little reset every night by cleaning up the main spaces and putting things back where they go. I have a housekeeper that deep cleans my place every two weeks but I attest try to keep it clean.

NP. Twice does not a pattern make BUT - presumably one is putting their best foot forward for a new guy. Were there plans to be at her house in advance? If so, I'd probably run, this is as good as it gets. Or did you end up there somewhat incidentally, like dinner went well so she invited you up? If it's the latter, I'd probably give it a few more visits, but I'd also throw something out to feel her out, "that's a lot of dishes!" and see what she says. "Oh, I know! Ugh, it's driving me crazy, but I'm an accountant and March and April are always crazy, I'm just behind in everything. Hopefully I'll get caught up this weekend." Well, then carry on, we all have our moments. If it's "Oh, yeah, haha, I'm a slob" or "Oh, that's nothing I cleaned up for you!" then pass.

But make sure that whatever you're doing/saying at this stage is information gathering, NOT getting her to start cleaning. Information gathering is what dating's about. If you do say you like it cleaner, and it seems like she "changed" - what that really means is that she cleans before you come over. That's actually the worse case scenario - you think the problem is solved, but as soon as you live together and get comfortable with each other, the mess with return. She is who she is.

This is a brilliant reply. It got me thinking that when it really comes down to it, I don’t believe people change. I was also a very messy person and married someone who is super clean and tidy. It has led to a lot of problems. I’m trying so hard to improve but it’s not easy because I grew up in a pigsty so this is just what I know. I’m getting slightly better though—after more than five years of marriage and huge fights over this topic.

OP, you mentioned you were invited over. When my DH visited and saw my apartment a mess I didn’t know he was coming and was mortified. The times I invited him over the place was sparkling clean and tidy. You need to run, this woman is not embarrassed of her slob self because you said you were invited both time!

[Anonymous]

It is odd that you were invited over and it was that messy. I would be mortified if I invited someone over and my place was anything other than acceptably clean. It would be a turn off for me, and I’m a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you visit unannounced or were you invited? If invited and the house was a mess, don’t expect improvement,

OP here. I was invited both times.

Sex invited or dinner invited?

[Anonymous]

RUN. I divorced. YMMV

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the mess bothers you now, it won’t bother you less in ten years when you’re married with a couple of kids that you are trying to teach good habits around cleaning up that are undermined by your spouse at every turn. Ask me how I know.

Same. +1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m dating a new woman that I really like but she is very messy. I have been to her place twice and it’s a mess. I’m a very clean person and that’s an important quality in a partner. I’m not sure it would workout longterm if we have to live together. Do I say something to her about it?

OP - be honest with yourself. You ARE sure that it wouldn't work out longterm living together. What other info do you need to have to be sure? You stated that this woman doesn't have an important quality to you in a partner. As for telling her - depending on how long you've been dating, you could say either - I believe there is some misalignment with our life styles. I think you are great, but I can see some incompatibility and I don't think it's right to start a relationship expecting someone to change.

Living together is HUGE - and when the NRE wears off, the messiness is going to drive you BONKERS.

[Anonymous]

No one should talk themselves into overlooking their own red flags. If neatness is important to you, break up.

On the other hand, unlike most habits and personality traits, neatness is easily outsourced. You can have a housekeeper daily, you cannot have someone come in and perform kindness, generosity, humor, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one should talk themselves into overlooking their own red flags. If neatness is important to you, break up.

On the other hand, unlike most habits and personality traits, neatness is easily outsourced. You can have a housekeeper daily, you cannot have someone come in and perform kindness, generosity, humor, etc.

+1

Would rather have messy than a cheat or abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How messy? Are we talking clothes everywhere or dirty dishes?

OP here. I’ve been to her place twice and both times it was messy. I understand a little mess because that happens, but her kitchen was filled with dirt dishes and left out food, her living room had cups and dishes left out on the table, and her bedroom, had clothes all on the floor, and the bathroom had makeup and other stuff and towels thrown everywhere.

My place isn’t always super neat but I do make it a habit to put food away and my dishes in the dishwasher. I do a little reset every night by cleaning up the main spaces and putting things back where they go. I have a housekeeper that deep cleans my place every two weeks but I attest try to keep it clean.

NP. Twice does not a pattern make BUT - presumably one is putting their best foot forward for a new guy. Were there plans to be at her house in advance? If so, I'd probably run, this is as good as it gets. Or did you end up there somewhat incidentally, like dinner went well so she invited you up? If it's the latter, I'd probably give it a few more visits, but I'd also throw something out to feel her out, "that's a lot of dishes!" and see what she says. "Oh, I know! Ugh, it's driving me crazy, but I'm an accountant and March and April are always crazy, I'm just behind in everything. Hopefully I'll get caught up this weekend." Well, then carry on, we all have our moments. If it's "Oh, yeah, haha, I'm a slob" or "Oh, that's nothing I cleaned up for you!" then pass.

But make sure that whatever you're doing/saying at this stage is information gathering, NOT getting her to start cleaning. Information gathering is what dating's about. If you do say you like it cleaner, and it seems like she "changed" - what that really means is that she cleans before you come over. That's actually the worse case scenario - you think the problem is solved, but as soon as you live together and get comfortable with each other, the mess with return. She is who she is.

This is a brilliant reply. It got me thinking that when it really comes down to it, I don’t believe people change. I was also a very messy person and married someone who is super clean and tidy. It has led to a lot of problems. I’m trying so hard to improve but it’s not easy because I grew up in a pigsty so this is just what I know. I’m getting slightly better though—after more than five years of marriage and huge fights over this topic.

OP, you mentioned you were invited over. When my DH visited and saw my apartment a mess I didn’t know he was coming and was mortified. The times I invited him over the place was sparkling clean and tidy. You need to run, this woman is not embarrassed of her slob self because you said you were invited both time!

Brilliant how? Nowhere did OP say there were extenuating circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m dating a new woman that I really like but she is very messy. I have been to her place twice and it’s a mess. I’m a very clean person and that’s an important quality in a partner. I’m not sure it would workout longterm if we have to live together. Do I say something to her about it?

OP - be honest with yourself. You ARE sure that it wouldn't work out longterm living together. What other info do you need to have to be sure? You stated that this woman doesn't have an important quality to you in a partner. As for telling her - depending on how long you've been dating, you could say either - I believe there is some misalignment with our life styles. I think you are great, but I can see some incompatibility and I don't think it's right to start a relationship expecting someone to change.

Living together is HUGE - and when the NRE wears off, the messiness is going to drive you BONKERS.

Also, OP, your date may not be that into you when she finds out your preference for neatness and your critical eye towards her habits. If you strip the judgment of which is better or worse, it really is about preferences, and both of you get to have them. She has shown you hers, it is time for you to be open with yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one should talk themselves into overlooking their own red flags. If neatness is important to you, break up.

On the other hand, unlike most habits and personality traits, neatness is easily outsourced. You can have a housekeeper daily, you cannot have someone come in and perform kindness, generosity, humor, etc.

Would rather have messy than a cheat or abuser.

Your standards are quite low

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one should talk themselves into overlooking their own red flags. If neatness is important to you, break up.

On the other hand, unlike most habits and personality traits, neatness is easily outsourced. You can have a housekeeper daily, you cannot have someone come in and perform kindness, generosity, humor, etc.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m dating a new woman that I really like but she is very messy. I have been to her place twice and it’s a mess. I’m a very clean person and that’s an important quality in a partner. I’m not sure it would workout longterm if we have to live together. Do I say something to her about it?

Offer to clean for her. If you two married, would you end up being the househusband? If so, what is the big deal? If she works, can you recommend a good housekeeper? If this is your most IMPORTANT quality, don't string her along--break it off immediately. Keep in mind children aren't robots, they drool and get dirty and have papers/exams cutting into room cleaning time. Date women in maid services or custodial services.

Why must you make women helpless little victims? OP should clean for her? How about she get her lazy butt up and clean her own place like adults do. You must be a slob too.

Many women clean for their man and the man isn't called a helpless little victims. OP said he hires a housekeeper, but he is an adult but she's not. But I must be a slob for reading. OP can solve this problem in 10 seconds by giving her the name of his housekeeper and demonstrate cooperation and patience with future spit-up. Baseless name-calling is so fixable and sexy, I guess he should date you instead.

[Anonymous]

I’m the messy ADHD DW with a neater (but not neat freak) DH. It drives him crazy. But luckily he works to not make messiness a moral failing. Or that I don’t love or care for him because he does the majority of the cleaning. And I have enough good qualities that he puts up with me and my mess.

I’d like to be neater, but I have clutter blindness. And cleaning takes so much executive function and I just can’t keep a good habit going.

The thing with cleaning is, you can outsource some of it. Yes you can have someone come in once a week to clean. But that won’t help the clutter. If she’s not taking dishes to the kitchen, even when she knows she has company coming over, that’s not something that can be solved by a person coming in once a week.

[Anonymous]

As a woman who can be messy, I think this is a dealbreaker for you. There's no way that I'm inviting a new guy over with a messy house. She seems to not notice the mess, which probably means she can't see it.

I'm dating someone who is really messy and I don't know how he would fare with most women. Good guy though.