Girlfriend is very messy

[Anonymous]

I’m dating a new woman that I really like but she is very messy. I have been to her place twice and it’s a mess. I’m a very clean person and that’s an important quality in a partner. I’m not sure it would workout longterm if we have to live together. Do I say something to her about it?

[Anonymous]

How messy? Are we talking clothes everywhere or dirty dishes?

[Anonymous]

BTDT and I personally now consider it a red flag for ADHD in women. The mess alone becomes a significant source of friction in a household.

[Anonymous]

RUN! I have been married to a wonderful, romantic, brilliant SLOB for 20 years and I'm a neat freak. No matter what I say or do, he will not change. I've had to deal with serious resentment and have worked very hard to overlook his slovenly habits. There are so many people out there. Find a tidy one! I want you to be happier than I am.

[Anonymous]

Lies. Most men do not clean and are not neat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT and I personally now consider it a red flag for ADHD in women. The mess alone becomes a significant source of friction in a household.

THIS. My mother was a stressed out mess living with ADHD in an unkempt and embarrassing home. It's a terrible environment for a child to grow up in. My father was very clean and kind, but could not get through to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How messy? Are we talking clothes everywhere or dirty dishes?

OP here. I’ve been to her place twice and both times it was messy. I understand a little mess because that happens, but her kitchen was filled with dirt dishes and left out food, her living room had cups and dishes left out on the table, and her bedroom, had clothes all on the floor, and the bathroom had makeup and other stuff and towels thrown everywhere.

My place isn’t always super neat but I do make it a habit to put food away and my dishes in the dishwasher. I do a little reset every night by cleaning up the main spaces and putting things back where they go. I have a housekeeper that deep cleans my place every two weeks but I attest try to keep it clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lies. Most men do not clean and are not neat.

Sexist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lies. Most men do not clean and are not neat.

Not true. I'm married to a super neat guy. I'm not super messy, but way messier than him. And our son is also super neat.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like that, who found a guy like that, and live in an appallingly messy home. They're happy with each other, but going in there seriously stresses me out, and I'm no Martha Stewart. There is no future for this relationship; that level of mess causes stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m dating a new woman that I really like but she is very messy. I have been to her place twice and it’s a mess. I’m a very clean person and that’s an important quality in a partner. I’m not sure it would workout longterm if we have to live together. Do I say something to her about it?

If everything else is good, you can find solutions for messes. You two can hire a cleaner, you can do more cleaning and she can do more cooking, grocery shopping, laundry etc. Billions of women live with messy men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How messy? Are we talking clothes everywhere or dirty dishes?

OP here. I’ve been to her place twice and both times it was messy. I understand a little mess because that happens, but her kitchen was filled with dirt dishes and left out food, her living room had cups and dishes left out on the table, and her bedroom, had clothes all on the floor, and the bathroom had makeup and other stuff and towels thrown everywhere.

My place isn’t always super neat but I do make it a habit to put food away and my dishes in the dishwasher. I do a little reset every night by cleaning up the main spaces and putting things back where they go. I have a housekeeper that deep cleans my place every two weeks but I attest try to keep it clean.

NP. Twice does not a pattern make BUT - presumably one is putting their best foot forward for a new guy. Were there plans to be at her house in advance? If so, I'd probably run, this is as good as it gets. Or did you end up there somewhat incidentally, like dinner went well so she invited you up? If it's the latter, I'd probably give it a few more visits, but I'd also throw something out to feel her out, "that's a lot of dishes!" and see what she says. "Oh, I know! Ugh, it's driving me crazy, but I'm an accountant and March and April are always crazy, I'm just behind in everything. Hopefully I'll get caught up this weekend." Well, then carry on, we all have our moments. If it's "Oh, yeah, haha, I'm a slob" or "Oh, that's nothing I cleaned up for you!" then pass.

But make sure that whatever you're doing/saying at this stage is information gathering, NOT getting her to start cleaning. Information gathering is what dating's about. If you do say you like it cleaner, and it seems like she "changed" - what that really means is that she cleans before you come over. That's actually the worse case scenario - you think the problem is solved, but as soon as you live together and get comfortable with each other, the mess with return. She is who she is.

[Anonymous]

There are so many ways to keep a home clean and organized unless you want her to do all the cleaning. I’m neat freak but I would gladly take a messy person over high maintenance, alcoholic, gas lighter, philanderer, unemployed, wandering eye, low IQ, crazy family etc.

[Anonymous]

I had many roommates who were super messy but their homes always look like I walked in an HGTV home.

[Anonymous]

Financial mess is a bigger issue than a messy household.