When out-of-town family makes no effort to see you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to several who made astute observations and suggestions, and also called me on some of my thinking and assumptions.

I’m not in my cousin’s hometown so this isn’t about my cousin having a ton of family in the area - there are three of us. I was not selected for any 1:1 time. I overestimated my closeness.

And it’s ok, I will go to the gathering with what I’ve discovered is more than 75 people. I will hope to catch my cousin and say hello. I will move on and do so with more clarity about where I stand.

My cousin is a wonderful human being. I’ve come to terms that I’m not as close as I thought. The earth will continue to revolve around the sun. It will be ok.

Thanks again. It was helpful to hear your perspectives.

Yes, I can see all sides, and it's good that you are challenging some of your thinking. A couple of thoughts:

--It depends on how she handles it. If she says how absolutely bummed she is, then it does make up for the fact that she feels pulled. It also reinforces she feels as close to her as you do to her.

--That said, some people aren't that emotionally mature and pull away because they feel guilty, pressured, overwhelmed, etc.

--Even if you completely understand her POV, I disagree with posters saying to get over it. You can still feel disappointed even if you understand a situation. Don't just push it down.

[Anonymous]

Sorry this is probably similar to what my relatives feel. I have two very, very large families on my side (both of my parents' families, plus their even more extended families. My mom has 50 first cousins). When I go to my parents' home town I'm inundated with request. I typically have 2-3 events a day for the entire week I visit. I try to see everyone but I just can't. Some of my favorites I can only see once and feel bad about that. Strangely enough my only sibling who lives there won't make time to see us at all during that time. She's never even met 1 of my kids! I just let it roll off my back like water on a duck. I know she loves my kids, she's just distracted. (At least I tell myself this. I don't really care- she hasn't come to DC since my wedding 11 years ago)

[Anonymous]

This is not about you. Your cousin is probably going to run ragged trying to see as many people as possible in just a few days — and despite those best efforts will probably disappoint plenty of others in the process. Enjoy the time you have.

[Anonymous]

Just because you happen to be born or marry in a family, it doesn’t legally obligate you to anything. These are matters of love and connection, not genes and paper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because you happen to be born or marry in a family, it doesn’t legally obligate you to anything. These are matters of love and connection, not genes and paper.

Yes. If you read the OP’s post, you’d see the issue is that she believed she and her relative did have a bond and connection that apparently was not as strong as she thought it was.

[Anonymous]

Go to the event and try to drop your hurt feelings. I know it’s easier said than done. I’ve lived here for almost 25 years and my mother is still hurt when extended family vacations in DC and doesn’t contact us. My mother is hurt, not me. I understand when people come on vacation they are coming to see the sites and spend time with their immediate family. I don’t take this personally at all. I also know what it’s like to come in from out of town and feel stressed because you want to see everyone. You don’t get to relax and enjoy yourself because you don’t want to offend anyone.

A couple of relatives contacted us and we visited in the past 25 years. We have not seen many on their trips and that’s okay!

[Anonymous]

13:33 again. To flip the situation, when I go visit my family I would love to spend one on one time with my sister and her family but there is never time. We usually do a big get together with them, my parents, my aunts…. There is limited time and I can’t run ragged trying to visit everyone with solo visits.

[Anonymous]

Not going to this event if it's inside, that's a good reason not to go. You also shouldn't go just to see her. But you shouldn't *not* out of spite.

Op, don't contact her about you going or not going. Don't reach out to her. No drama, no ill feelings, no talking about this to other family. Don't reach out. She has told you what you need to know. If any closeness develops she will have to advance that.

[Anonymous]

I travel a couple times a year to a city where a handful of my relatives live. I’m there for work and can generally fit in 1-2 meals or drinks with those relatives. It’s gotten to the point where they all know not to mention that they’ve seen me because someone will get their feelings hurt that they weren’t first or they only got drinks and not dinner. More often than not, I don’t even want to make the effort to see any of them anymore. I was in that town last week and am returning this week and haven’t told anyone. People like OP are obnoxious and exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, don’t give that passive aggressive response. You will only feel bad later. Just go, smile, be part of the event and recognize that you are not as close as you thought. It’s ok.

I have found life ebbs and flows. You are family, have a good rapport when together, and your paths will continue to cross. Right now you are not as high on her list as she is on yours.

Life is long and you may find yourselves reconnected again at some point ( situational, geographically, emotionally.) Don’t burn that bridge. Hugs to you.

This. Take the high road. Passive aggressive responses and guilt trips are distancing behavior. They make people not want to be around you. Go and see her. Be friendly. Catch up. Enjoy. She may feel like you don't have much in common but maybe after seeing you she will feel different. Just always take the high road. If people I like give me guilt trips I run for the hills. Nobody ever got closer to someone thanks to a guilt trip.

and you know this woman is probably fending off other guilt trips from other people pressuring her to do things.

I've ghosted family when I've visited their locations because I am going to do activity that they aren't in to and they would complain because I wouldn't change my plans. I get more grief when I fit them in but still try to do what I want. Family always expect me to put them first and drop whatever I've planned to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you happen to be born or marry in a family, it doesn’t legally obligate you to anything. These are matters of love and connection, not genes and paper.

Yes. If you read the OP’s post, you’d see the issue is that she believed she and her relative did have a bond and connection that apparently was not as strong as she thought it was.

Human bonds change with time. It doesn’t mean you stop caring about people you grew up with but also doesn’t mean you want to travel (spending vacation and money) to visit. To be fair, they may be facing mental, physical, professional, parental, financial,marital or other issues which they don’t want to share.

[Anonymous]

Some people live in past but most humans have to move on to survive better. There is so much on everyone’s plate, hard to manage your own work, home, local friends and kids.

[Anonymous]

Get over yourself. My husband lives 4+ hours away from his family and although they never make an effort to come and see us whenever we are in town they get angry if we don't drive to each one of their respective houses to see them. It's such a double standard and it drives me crazy. Traveling with children is exhausting. And sometimes when you go somewhere you don't just want to see family. Perhaps they have friends in the area and need to fit them in.

I'd suggest texting that you heard that were coming to town and if they have any free time you'd love to see them and are happy to travel to them. It's not about you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over yourself. My husband lives 4+ hours away from his family and although they never make an effort to come and see us whenever we are in town they get angry if we don't drive to each one of their respective houses to see them. It's such a double standard and it drives me crazy. Traveling with children is exhausting. And sometimes when you go somewhere you don't just want to see family. Perhaps they have friends in the area and need to fit them in.

I'd suggest texting that you heard that were coming to town and if they have any free time you'd love to see them and are happy to travel to them. It's not about you OP.

Did you even read the OP's post or are you just on here to rant? Good Lord, not a single point you make has anything to do with what the post was, the OP's situation, or their question. Did you just read the title and decide to jump into the thread? Maybe your in-laws don't want to see you because they realize you have poor reading comprehension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people live in past but most humans have to move on to survive better. There is so much on everyone’s plate, hard to manage your own work, home, local friends and kids.

So deep.