When out-of-town family makes no effort to see you

[Anonymous]

I have a family member that lives on the west coast whom I’ve always thought I was close with. We don’t talk all the time but when we do, we seem to connect on a level that isn’t about just about being related, but genuine friendship. As recently as a month ago we discussed visiting each other - we haven’t seen each other in person for about two years given the pandemic.

So I’m disappointed to learn that this family member - a cousin - is coming into town for a few days she apparently carved out zero time to see me or my kids. The only chance I’ll have to see her is at a gathering with several dozen people. She’s staying with family that I’m not close to so I can’t visit her at their home. She made a point of telling me that she’s got plans for seemingly every hour outside of the one event we’re both attending.

Is this a “tell me you don’t actually give a f-k about seeing me without telling me you don’t give a f-k about me” situation? Normally I wouldn’t take this sort of thing personally - it’s hard to cram everything in. But we haven’t seen each other for quite a while and the fact that she’s coming into town and didn’t prioritize getting together hurts. Clearly I overestimated my place in her life. That feeling is compounded by the fact that I was also one of the last people in the family to know she was visiting the area.

This whole thing makes me not want to see her at all. I’m thinking of forgoing the large gathering given there are so many people attending and it’s not like we’ll have any quality time together there. Also, not quite ready for large indoor gatherings, so there’s that.

Do I say something to the effect of, hey I would love to see you but it looks like I’m not high on the priority list of people you want to see. Catch you next time! … or something like that.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, that stinks. I would still go to the event, but going forward I would not expect as much fromher. Who is the one who usually initiates contact when you do talk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, that stinks. I would still go to the event, but going forward I would not expect as much fromher. Who is the one who usually initiates contact when you do talk?

I usually initiate … but she is always receptive to talking and catching up, gets back to me right away, etc

[Anonymous]

Yes, there are other people or things more important for her this visit. Doesn't make her the uncaring person you are painting. Take a deep breath and step back, you are being incredibly self absorbed.

[Anonymous]

No, don’t give that passive aggressive response. You will only feel bad later. Just go, smile, be part of the event and recognize that you are not as close as you thought. It’s ok.

I have found life ebbs and flows. You are family, have a good rapport when together, and your paths will continue to cross. Right now you are not as high on her list as she is on yours.

Life is long and you may find yourselves reconnected again at some point ( situational, geographically, emotionally.) Don’t burn that bridge. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

I know when we go back “home” to visit there are a lot
Of people we hope to see and it gets really tough to see everyone. The party sounds like a good way for them to see several People at once they may not have time to see. I wouldn’t take it personally. It got to the point for me where in wouldn’t even tell people we were coming to town until I got there and knew we’d have time to see them.

[Anonymous]

This really depends on the reason she’s coming to the area. There some events that will take precedence over people outside the event. For example, if she’s coming to celebrate a siblings graduation from a doctoral program, then her immediate family’s plans trump all (pre dinner, spending time with immediate family, ceremony, graduation celebration, etc). If she’s coming in for a 2 hour baby shower, then yeah, you are lower in her priorities than you thought.

[Anonymous]

From someone who lived away from where I grew up, it’s very hard to visit with multiple people when home. It’s simply a time thing. I commend the person who is hosting the get together and inviting others (like you). Go and enjoy.

[Anonymous]

If she is only coming into town for a few days, she can’t see everyone individually. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you. It does mean that people like her parents, potentially siblings and old friends in the area take priority this trip. If it were a longer trip, maybe you would have made the list. It is hard to realize that you aren’t as close to someone as you thought you were. But that doesn’t mean that you should write her off entirely. If you don’t want to go to the large gathering for safety reasons, that’s one thing. But if you decide to go, don’t go with a chip on your shoulder. Your cousin doesn’t owe you time.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I've been in the situation. It hurts because it feels like being ghosted almost. I don't have any advice, but I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there are other people or things more important for her this visit. Doesn't make her the uncaring person you are painting. Take a deep breath and step back, you are being incredibly self absorbed.

I don’t think she’s an uncaring person at all. Fully realize that I’m also not the only relative / friend she has in this area. But yes, would have hoped to have been on a short list for some time with her outside of an event where I think more than 50 people are in attendance. Certainly if the roles were reversed I would have made it a priority to see her. But I am recognizing that I may be overestimated my place in her life … which is ok. I appreciate the perspective of the other PP who suggests I don’t burn a bridge and go to the gathering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I've been in the situation. It hurts because it feels like being ghosted almost. I don't have any advice, but I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Yes, this a bit. And also questioning my perception of my relationship.

[Anonymous]

Coming out of the pandemic and starting to see family and friends takes a bit of navigation, OP: who do I see first, what can I afford, and all the fun dynamics of navigating family and friend groups. Plus, in this situation, her -- presumably first -- visit post lockdown was initiated by a family event. So, yes, she's sort of locked in to seeing that group of people.

Yes, it's disappointing. But, she let you know has plans, as a good friend does. Be happy to see her, even though it's not what you were wishing for. Tell her you miss her and hope you two can get together soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know when we go back “home” to visit there are a lot
Of people we hope to see and it gets really tough to see everyone. The party sounds like a good way for them to see several People at once they may not have time to see. I wouldn’t take it personally. It got to the point for me where in wouldn’t even tell people we were coming to town until I got there and knew we’d have time to see them.

+1. I recently posted from other other side of this, and the DCUM advice was to host an event that multiple people could come to because I won't have time for a private visit with everyone.

Honestly, I feel like I can't win because I know my friends and family will have the same reaction as OP. But we're talking about dozens of people who want a two hour (or more) personal visit with me, and I'm in town for a reason unrelated to seeing any of them. It makes me wish they didn't know I'd be in town.

OP, you have years of evidence that she cares about you. A kind and caring thing to do would be to give her some space to do what she came to town to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there are other people or things more important for her this visit. Doesn't make her the uncaring person you are painting. Take a deep breath and step back, you are being incredibly self absorbed.

I don’t think she’s an uncaring person at all. Fully realize that I’m also not the only relative / friend she has in this area. But yes, would have hoped to have been on a short list for some time with her outside of an event where I think more than 50 people are in attendance. Certainly if the roles were reversed I would have made it a priority to see her. But I am recognizing that I may be overestimated my place in her life … which is ok. I appreciate the perspective of the other PP who suggests I don’t burn a bridge and go to the gathering.

I posted already, but I wanted to point out -- she is staying with people you don't know well enough to visit their house (?!) which tells me she has a ton of family and friends in this location who are not you. If she saw you in a neutral location or if you went to visit her, I'm sure she would be thrilled to spend time with you. Why don't you schedule a trip to see her, in her town?