When out-of-town family makes no effort to see you

[Anonymous]

I don't mean this in a snarky way. You seem to have built up this relationship, finding evidence to support your feelings and are now that it's been brought to light that it wasn't the relationship you thought it was, you're angry at the other person for not complying with your vision. I understand that you'd be disappointed but your anger at this person is misplaced. You need to manage your expectations.

[Anonymous]

Exactly the reason I loath making trips home. There are only so many hours in the day and it is impossible to meet the expectations of everyone. I am made to feel like a bad person for even trying. Chaotic trip, money spent, and still all will complain they did not get a big enough piece of time.

[Anonymous]

I would just say it's not always the out of town relative. I've discovered that my mother will put herself in the middle of me seeing visiting relatives. She will give me one small window in a situation she is in complete control of to see them. I can (and do) reach out to the relatives directly and am sometimes successful in seeing them without my mother, but more often then not, she will pout, whine or deliberately make other plans to discourage the relatives. It's annoying and sad but sometimes not worth fighting it given the inevitable Mom drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there are other people or things more important for her this visit. Doesn't make her the uncaring person you are painting. Take a deep breath and step back, you are being incredibly self absorbed.

I don’t think she’s an uncaring person at all. Fully realize that I’m also not the only relative / friend she has in this area. But yes, would have hoped to have been on a short list for some time with her outside of an event where I think more than 50 people are in attendance. Certainly if the roles were reversed I would have made it a priority to see her. But I am recognizing that I may be overestimated my place in her life … which is ok. I appreciate the perspective of the other PP who suggests I don’t burn a bridge and go to the gathering.

NP. OP, if you knew she was coming, have you suggested meeting up separately? Or are you expecting her to take all the initiative? The "I would have hoped to have been on a short list" statement really puts everything on HER when she might have a lot on her plate you don't know about. Do you see that?

You said you "found out" she was coming to this event. Possibly she did not tell you immediately or up front because she didn't want to hurt your feelings, since maybe it's an event where she has to be there for others in the family--depending on the event, she may know (when you don't) that she will be expected to help with something, or keep an eye on Aunt So-and-So, or whatever. You're (a) putting all the onus on her to initiate seeing you, and you're (b) thinking about your own feelings and not considering that maybe there are circumstances around this event about which you are unaware. Can you step back from the emotion and see that even if she'd love to see you, she may need to conserve her time and energy on this one trip and had to make choices? Why would you tchoose to think the worst of her ("she doesn't want to see me, I don't matter enough to her") rather than think the best of her ("It's a big deal to get to an event like this and maybe the other relatives need her for something")?

This is very you-focused. Go, enjoy the event, tell her "Hey, next time you're here let's get together" and mean it, and don't guilt her. Someone above said to pull away from her after this but that's nonsense. If you and she click, you click, and you need to be a bit more objective about this visit. It's not all about rejecting you; it's probably about focusing on something else. And you might not know what that is.

TL; DR version: Give her the benefit of the doubt. Assume this is not about you, or your relationship. Do not guilt her and do not overthink this. Do not end what sounds like a lovely relationship over this.

[Anonymous]

Um, she will be seeing you: at a larger gathering.

Get over yourself. Traveling is hard, visiting everyone is hard. Maybe she wants to actually--gasp--enjoy herself, have some down time and have a VACATION versus essentially going on tour to see people individually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exactly the reason I loath making trips home. There are only so many hours in the day and it is impossible to meet the expectations of everyone. I am made to feel like a bad person for even trying. Chaotic trip, money spent, and still all will complain they did not get a big enough piece of time.

+1

Also the reason that when I do go home I often don't post about it on social media or let anyone know I am there. It is hard to spend time with everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exactly the reason I loath making trips home. There are only so many hours in the day and it is impossible to meet the expectations of everyone. I am made to feel like a bad person for even trying. Chaotic trip, money spent, and still all will complain they did not get a big enough piece of time.

+1

Also the reason that when I do go home I often don't post about it on social media or let anyone know I am there. It is hard to spend time with everyone.

+2

If you’ve always lived in your hometown, you will never understand this. Don’t read anything into this about your relationship.

[Anonymous]

You know, my husband made an observation about me when we were engaged that had never occurred to me. "A lot of people think of you as their best friend." I did not think of THEM as my best friend. And because of this, sometimes when we'd go visit our home city, feelings got hurt. I only had so much time for the trip, and didn't have enough time to visit one-on-one with everyone who wanted that kind of time with me.

Is this what's going on with your cousin?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you to several who made astute observations and suggestions, and also called me on some of my thinking and assumptions.

I’m not in my cousin’s hometown so this isn’t about my cousin having a ton of family in the area - there are three of us. I was not selected for any 1:1 time. I overestimated my closeness.

And it’s ok, I will go to the gathering with what I’ve discovered is more than 75 people. I will hope to catch my cousin and say hello. I will move on and do so with more clarity about where I stand.

My cousin is a wonderful human being. I’ve come to terms that I’m not as close as I thought. The earth will continue to revolve around the sun. It will be ok.

Thanks again. It was helpful to hear your perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, my husband made an observation about me when we were engaged that had never occurred to me. "A lot of people think of you as their best friend." I did not think of THEM as my best friend. And because of this, sometimes when we'd go visit our home city, feelings got hurt. I only had so much time for the trip, and didn't have enough time to visit one-on-one with everyone who wanted that kind of time with me.

Is this what's going on with your cousin?

You sound really smug. When people think you’re their best friend - if that’s the case - maybe ask how you feed into that. It’s no different than the guy who makes women believe they’re “the one” while they date many women simultaneously. It says more about you than these poor people you brushed off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, don’t give that passive aggressive response. You will only feel bad later. Just go, smile, be part of the event and recognize that you are not as close as you thought. It’s ok.

I have found life ebbs and flows. You are family, have a good rapport when together, and your paths will continue to cross. Right now you are not as high on her list as she is on yours.

Life is long and you may find yourselves reconnected again at some point ( situational, geographically, emotionally.) Don’t burn that bridge. Hugs to you.

This. Take the high road. Passive aggressive responses and guilt trips are distancing behavior. They make people not want to be around you. Go and see her. Be friendly. Catch up. Enjoy. She may feel like you don't have much in common but maybe after seeing you she will feel different. Just always take the high road. If people I like give me guilt trips I run for the hills. Nobody ever got closer to someone thanks to a guilt trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, my husband made an observation about me when we were engaged that had never occurred to me. "A lot of people think of you as their best friend." I did not think of THEM as my best friend. And because of this, sometimes when we'd go visit our home city, feelings got hurt. I only had so much time for the trip, and didn't have enough time to visit one-on-one with everyone who wanted that kind of time with me.

Is this what's going on with your cousin?

You sound really smug. When people think you’re their best friend - if that’s the case - maybe ask how you feed into that. It’s no different than the guy who makes women believe they’re “the one” while they date many women simultaneously. It says more about you than these poor people you brushed off.

Nope, not smug at all. Just a very good listener, I remember every detail people tell me and can bring it up months later (Jason? The guy who shat his pants on the hot air balloon date?), and am very low drama. I know my strengths. I don't lead anyone on. I'm not one of those women who refer to everyone as "my best friend" when I'm with them. And I don't brush people off. But I have priorities - seeing relatives comes first, doing activities with our kids comes second, at least one date alone with DH is third, then friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, my husband made an observation about me when we were engaged that had never occurred to me. "A lot of people think of you as their best friend." I did not think of THEM as my best friend. And because of this, sometimes when we'd go visit our home city, feelings got hurt. I only had so much time for the trip, and didn't have enough time to visit one-on-one with everyone who wanted that kind of time with me.

Is this what's going on with your cousin?

You sound really smug. When people think you’re their best friend - if that’s the case - maybe ask how you feed into that. It’s no different than the guy who makes women believe they’re “the one” while they date many women simultaneously. It says more about you than these poor people you brushed off.

Nope, not smug at all. Just a very good listener, I remember every detail people tell me and can bring it up months later (Jason? The guy who shat his pants on the hot air balloon date?), and am very low drama. I know my strengths. I don't lead anyone on. I'm not one of those women who refer to everyone as "my best friend" when I'm with them. And I don't brush people off. But I have priorities - seeing relatives comes first, doing activities with our kids comes second, at least one date alone with DH is third, then friends.

Your response to the suggestion you are smug is smug.

[Anonymous]

I know it's hard but *try* not to take it personally. Don't let this ruin the good connection you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, that stinks. I would still go to the event, but going forward I would not expect as much fromher. Who is the one who usually initiates contact when you do talk?

I usually initiate … but she is always receptive to talking and catching up, gets back to me right away, etc

Due to the pandemic she probably hasn't seen anyone in quite a while. Go to the event.