How to deal with husband gaslighting infidelity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In addition to the possibility of sex tourism with female prostitutes, I’d be nervous about this being a Brokeback Mountain situation with a male “friend.”

Exactly this. I’m thinking undercover gay.

[Anonymous]

NP. I found condoms in my ex-husband’s glove box - huge tip off (we did not use condoms). A few were missing.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of it! that fck needs to go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the evidence?

purchase of condoms every time he traveled out of town going back years. found via our shared amazon account, he archived the purchase immediately after buying but i was searching for a coconut hair product I had bought before and all the condoms came up. I don't believe he ever did anything here but it seems like his annual trip abroad he definitely cheated. So gross

That is a special kind of stupid to buy condoms on Amazon. Divorce him just for being a dumba$$.

[Anonymous]

Hotel Del Rey - look it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In addition to the possibility of sex tourism with female prostitutes, I’d be nervous about this being a Brokeback Mountain situation with a male “friend.”

Hey, either way, OP's DH is should get some credit here... he is practicing SAFE sex, and not bringing some skeevy critters back home to mama.

I would think the Brokeback buddies would probably normally go sans wrapper... no pregnancy issues, so nbd. At least that seems to be the common way of doing business.
So my money is the "professional" girls -- but, again, he is doing the right thing by bringing the good quality condoms from the USA. Look, honestly I think you'd be more pissed if you found out he'd been using some second rate cheapos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In addition to the possibility of sex tourism with female prostitutes, I’d be nervous about this being a Brokeback Mountain situation with a male “friend.”

Hey, either way, OP's DH is should get some credit here... he is practicing SAFE sex, and not bringing some skeevy critters back home to mama.

I would think the Brokeback buddies would probably normally go sans wrapper... no pregnancy issues, so nbd. At least that seems to be the common way of doing business.
So my money is the "professional" girls -- but, again, he is doing the right thing by bringing the good quality condoms from the USA. Look, honestly I think you'd be more pissed if you found out he'd been using some second rate cheapos.

Condoms don't protect against everything and he gets no credit for anything simply because he agreed to be monogamous with op and broke that agreement

[Anonymous]

So you’re saying that there is a 99.5% chance you’re right? Sounds like those odds are plenty good enough to justify leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the evidence?

purchase of condoms every time he traveled out of town going back years. found via our shared amazon account, he archived the purchase immediately after buying but i was searching for a coconut hair product I had bought before and all the condoms came up. I don't believe he ever did anything here but it seems like his annual trip abroad he definitely cheated. So gross

That is a special kind of stupid to buy condoms on Amazon. Divorce him just for being a dumba$$.

Seriously. It is so dumb that it actually makes me wonder if he's telling the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he ever use the condoms with you? What was his explanation?

He never used them with me. He said he got them for his guy friends who live abroad! hah. Asked him why he didn't say "hey i'm getting condoms for so and so" ... if it were me I would be super transparent so my spouse wouldn't think anything nefarious going on. Also just thought about this but if he got them for a friend why would he archive the order so it doesn't come up unless you search?

Foreign countries have condoms too! Where was he going?

He said the US ones are better lol. Don't want to specify country but it was not European/Western.

Total and utter bullshit. He’s buying guy friends in foreign countries their year’s supply of condoms?

If it’s one of the countries with sex tourism and child prostitution….

Every country in the world has sex tourism and child prostitution…

[Anonymous]

He’s lying.

[Anonymous]

Wow, he bought them on Amazon? It's like he almost wanted to be caught.

[Anonymous]

NP. I found that my partner packed the remainder of a box of condoms we used to take with him on a business trip. Of course, he was cheating or intended to cheat.

It took me some time to unravel a series of behaviors by watching and waiting. During the business trip, I searched our shared room very thoroughly and found some troubling things. Then I searched my laptop (which I had allowed him to use) - the computer history, photos folders, any downloaded apps, etc. After that I loaded a keylogger program so I could see everything he was doing online. I also checked all our shared cards and bank accounts back for 2 years. I looked at his detailed cell phone bill (both our phones were on one shared account). When he returned I began tracking the car mileage and matching to compare where he said he’d gone. And I started marking the alcohol bottles and counting my Rx pills. When I could, I peeked at his cell phone messages and emails.

Whooo boy! Did I see the Big Picture! And did I also see the ease with which he lied to me! what a gaslighting master!

While all that was a lot of effort, and I (as you) would have been justified in ending the relationship immediately. I investigated to find the bigger picture because we had 2 kids together, and I wanted to be more sure about what I was doing.

Investigating was painful, and required a lot of time and effort that maybe could have been better spent on myself. If my daughter came to me with a similar situation today, I would just advise her to leave. You can’t stay and have a relationship with someone who has shown themself to be untrustworthy.

OTOH, investigating also gave me time to visit lawyers and psychologists and plan the end of our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I found that my partner packed the remainder of a box of condoms we used to take with him on a business trip. Of course, he was cheating or intended to cheat.

It took me some time to unravel a series of behaviors by watching and waiting. During the business trip, I searched our shared room very thoroughly and found some troubling things. Then I searched my laptop (which I had allowed him to use) - the computer history, photos folders, any downloaded apps, etc. After that I loaded a keylogger program so I could see everything he was doing online. I also checked all our shared cards and bank accounts back for 2 years. I looked at his detailed cell phone bill (both our phones were on one shared account). When he returned I began tracking the car mileage and matching to compare where he said he’d gone. And I started marking the alcohol bottles and counting my Rx pills. When I could, I peeked at his cell phone messages and emails.

Whooo boy! Did I see the Big Picture! And did I also see the ease with which he lied to me! what a gaslighting master!

While all that was a lot of effort, and I (as you) would have been justified in ending the relationship immediately. I investigated to find the bigger picture because we had 2 kids together, and I wanted to be more sure about what I was doing.

Investigating was painful, and required a lot of time and effort that maybe could have been better spent on myself. If my daughter came to me with a similar situation today, I would just advise her to leave. You can’t stay and have a relationship with someone who has shown themself to be untrustworthy.

OTOH, investigating also gave me time to visit lawyers and psychologists and plan the end of our relationship.

This is only slightly less dumb than buying new ones on Amazon! Why didn't the dude just buy some new ones at a drug store?! What a moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I found that my partner packed the remainder of a box of condoms we used to take with him on a business trip. Of course, he was cheating or intended to cheat.

It took me some time to unravel a series of behaviors by watching and waiting. During the business trip, I searched our shared room very thoroughly and found some troubling things. Then I searched my laptop (which I had allowed him to use) - the computer history, photos folders, any downloaded apps, etc. After that I loaded a keylogger program so I could see everything he was doing online. I also checked all our shared cards and bank accounts back for 2 years. I looked at his detailed cell phone bill (both our phones were on one shared account). When he returned I began tracking the car mileage and matching to compare where he said he’d gone. And I started marking the alcohol bottles and counting my Rx pills. When I could, I peeked at his cell phone messages and emails.

Whooo boy! Did I see the Big Picture! And did I also see the ease with which he lied to me! what a gaslighting master!

While all that was a lot of effort, and I (as you) would have been justified in ending the relationship immediately. I investigated to find the bigger picture because we had 2 kids together, and I wanted to be more sure about what I was doing.

Investigating was painful, and required a lot of time and effort that maybe could have been better spent on myself. If my daughter came to me with a similar situation today, I would just advise her to leave. You can’t stay and have a relationship with someone who has shown themself to be untrustworthy.

OTOH, investigating also gave me time to visit lawyers and psychologists and plan the end of our relationship.

hopefully this is sarcasm? This sounds a bit crazy, no?