Processing that spouse is leaving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend’s (now) ex-DH took their newborn when they got into an argument and turned off his phone, so she could locate him or the baby. She was absolutely hysterical. She was texting nonstop, pleading with him to at least come home so she could nurse the child. I have no idea what possessed him to do something so cruel, but taking a newborn from their mother (who is their only source of food at this point) is truly awful.

That could be construed as kidnapping and she could have filed charges.

It’s not kidnapping if you know where the kids are and have access to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend’s (now) ex-DH took their newborn when they got into an argument and turned off his phone, so she could locate him or the baby. She was absolutely hysterical. She was texting nonstop, pleading with him to at least come home so she could nurse the child. I have no idea what possessed him to do something so cruel, but taking a newborn from their mother (who is their only source of food at this point) is truly awful.

That could be construed as kidnapping and she could have filed charges.

No, it's not kidnapping. It's moving out and taking your child with you. A nursing baby is an extreme case for sure but women leave with the children all the time. I'm the PP of the post above is it only kidnapping when a man does it?

Agree that it's not kidnapping, but there's a special place in hell for anyone who uses their children as pawns like this. No parent should be blindsided and wake up/come home to their kids being gone. Everyone should be on the same page. Adults who act like this - barring domestic violence and true safety issues - are absolute trash.

I did this after my ex punched me, threatened me with a knife and left bruises, all while my kid was home. He has since hit my kid during visitation hard enough to leave marks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend’s (now) ex-DH took their newborn when they got into an argument and turned off his phone, so she could locate him or the baby. She was absolutely hysterical. She was texting nonstop, pleading with him to at least come home so she could nurse the child. I have no idea what possessed him to do something so cruel, but taking a newborn from their mother (who is their only source of food at this point) is truly awful.

That could be construed as kidnapping and she could have filed charges.

Either parent can take their kids anywhere without the permission of the other unless there is an order (e.g., custody order) that says otherwise.

Correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend’s (now) ex-DH took their newborn when they got into an argument and turned off his phone, so she could locate him or the baby. She was absolutely hysterical. She was texting nonstop, pleading with him to at least come home so she could nurse the child. I have no idea what possessed him to do something so cruel, but taking a newborn from their mother (who is their only source of food at this point) is truly awful.

That could be construed as kidnapping and she could have filed charges.

No, it's not kidnapping. It's moving out and taking your child with you. A nursing baby is an extreme case for sure but women leave with the children all the time. I'm the PP of the post above is it only kidnapping when a man does it?

Agree that it's not kidnapping, but there's a special place in hell for anyone who uses their children as pawns like this. No parent should be blindsided and wake up/come home to their kids being gone. Everyone should be on the same page. Adults who act like this - barring domestic violence and true safety issues - are absolute trash.

"like this?". You have no idea what my situation was and your opinion and accusations mean nothing. A d you're very wrong. Being blindsided was the best option to avoid a lot of turmoil. We weren't ever going to be on the same page about it.

Neither does anyone else, so it’s irresponsible to post messages like that. If there were circumstances that justified it, say what they are instead of posting that as if it’s universally good advice. It’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend’s (now) ex-DH took their newborn when they got into an argument and turned off his phone, so she could locate him or the baby. She was absolutely hysterical. She was texting nonstop, pleading with him to at least come home so she could nurse the child. I have no idea what possessed him to do something so cruel, but taking a newborn from their mother (who is their only source of food at this point) is truly awful.

That could be construed as kidnapping and she could have filed charges.

No, it's not kidnapping. It's moving out and taking your child with you. A nursing baby is an extreme case for sure but women leave with the children all the time. I'm the PP of the post above is it only kidnapping when a man does it?

Agree that it's not kidnapping, but there's a special place in hell for anyone who uses their children as pawns like this. No parent should be blindsided and wake up/come home to their kids being gone. Everyone should be on the same page. Adults who act like this - barring domestic violence and true safety issues - are absolute trash.

"like this?". You have no idea what my situation was and your opinion and accusations mean nothing. A d you're very wrong. Being blindsided was the best option to avoid a lot of turmoil. We weren't ever going to be on the same page about it.

Neither does anyone else, so it’s irresponsible to post messages like that. If there were circumstances that justified it, say what they are instead of posting that as if it’s universally good advice. It’s not.

I will. My point is, don't judge when you don't know the circumstances. I objected to, "uses their children as pawns like this." And yes, everyone "should be on the same page" about such things just as all divorces "should" be completely amicable with both parents in agreement about all issues going forward. That would be such a wonderful world but it's not reality for a lot of us who then do what they have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was that guy who left in the morning with the kids. Had a new place rented and had already moved as much stuff over to as I could without arousing suspicion. Then we go up ver early and started packing a moving van. All considered, it was the best way to do it. She knew it was coming.

Why did you take the kids?

To remove them from a very toxic situation. It all worked out fine and I got full custody of them. And yes, I was accused of kidnapping because apparently, it's kidnapping when man does it. My only regret is not doing it years earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend’s (now) ex-DH took their newborn when they got into an argument and turned off his phone, so she could locate him or the baby. She was absolutely hysterical. She was texting nonstop, pleading with him to at least come home so she could nurse the child. I have no idea what possessed him to do something so cruel, but taking a newborn from their mother (who is their only source of food at this point) is truly awful.

That could be construed as kidnapping and she could have filed charges.

No, it's not kidnapping. It's moving out and taking your child with you. A nursing baby is an extreme case for sure but women leave with the children all the time. I'm the PP of the post above is it only kidnapping when a man does it?

Agree that it's not kidnapping, but there's a special place in hell for anyone who uses their children as pawns like this. No parent should be blindsided and wake up/come home to their kids being gone. Everyone should be on the same page. Adults who act like this - barring domestic violence and true safety issues - are absolute trash.

"like this?". You have no idea what my situation was and your opinion and accusations mean nothing. A d you're very wrong. Being blindsided was the best option to avoid a lot of turmoil. We weren't ever going to be on the same page about it.

Neither does anyone else, so it’s irresponsible to post messages like that. If there were circumstances that justified it, say what they are instead of posting that as if it’s universally good advice. It’s not.

I will. My point is, don't judge when you don't know the circumstances. I objected to, "uses their children as pawns like this." And yes, everyone "should be on the same page" about such things just as all divorces "should" be completely amicable with both parents in agreement about all issues going forward. That would be such a wonderful world but it's not reality for a lot of us who then do what they have to.

My point is don’t post on a board to be judged and leave out pertinent information and give advice that doesn’t pertain to most divorces. And then whine about being judged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry, OP. The silent treatment is cruelty. It sounds like you are tiptoeing around your spouse. I would encourage you to just come right out and say that it looks like he is planning to leave, and could he please give you more information so you can know how to schedule your next few weeks?

Also, put your ducks in a row. Get all your financial records. Change all your passwords. Lock down your email. Make a free 30 minute consult with a lawyer or two.

Do not try to “process” it. This is like a death. No one expects someone to rovers that their husband just died…but it is actually a comfort to DO STUFF like have yo get out of bed and pick out a casket, write an obituary, plan the funeral. The busy-ness of it all can keep you afloat.

For now, don’t get caught in the trap of trying to “process”. That’s a recipe for rumination, obsession, and a mental spiral downward. Processing is for later, sometimes years later. For now you gotta click into survival mode. Take care of your kid. Take care of your kid’s cuter by taking care of yourself. Once you are in a safer place in terms of situation, you can think about “processing”.

Don’t be passive and wait for him to tell you what the rest of your life is going to be.

This is really good advice. Make sure you have money in your name. Change your direct deposit. Talk to/hire a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

OP are you positive it is actually your DH who is leaving? Could it be you were speaking with someone else (who also happened to be planning a move) and you confused the two? If not, possibly it was a visitor to your home who was planning to leave and that (the leaving) was what got stuck in your head. Here's is hoping this was all a misunderstanding or a case of mistaken identity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going through this. I won’t lie to you, it’s very hard. You will need the support of friends and family. A good therapist also helps. Give yourself permission to cry and fall apart sometimes. There is tremendous grief. It’s like a death.

It depends on the person. I had no sadness divorcing. For me, divorce was not hard at all—marriage was.

I am glad for you. I was sharing an experience that was revelent to the questions asked. I was doing that without implying that is the only emotion to feel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you positive it is actually your DH who is leaving? Could it be you were speaking with someone else (who also happened to be planning a move) and you confused the two? If not, possibly it was a visitor to your home who was planning to leave and that (the leaving) was what got stuck in your head. Here's is hoping this was all a misunderstanding or a case of mistaken identity.

What?! How does someone get confused about who they're talking to, especially when their marriage is falling apart?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was that guy who left in the morning with the kids. Had a new place rented and had already moved as much stuff over to as I could without arousing suspicion. Then we go up ver early and started packing a moving van. All considered, it was the best way to do it. She knew it was coming.

Why did you take the kids?

To remove them from a very toxic situation. It all worked out fine and I got full custody of them. And yes, I was accused of kidnapping because apparently, it's kidnapping when man does it. My only regret is not doing it years earlier.

Was the situation toxic and dangerous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend’s (now) ex-DH took their newborn when they got into an argument and turned off his phone, so she could locate him or the baby. She was absolutely hysterical. She was texting nonstop, pleading with him to at least come home so she could nurse the child. I have no idea what possessed him to do something so cruel, but taking a newborn from their mother (who is their only source of food at this point) is truly awful.

That could be construed as kidnapping and she could have filed charges.

Either parent can take their kids anywhere without the permission of the other unless there is an order (e.g., custody order) that says otherwise.

Correct.

Nope. I can't take my kids to Canada without my husband's permission

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was that guy who left in the morning with the kids. Had a new place rented and had already moved as much stuff over to as I could without arousing suspicion. Then we go up ver early and started packing a moving van. All considered, it was the best way to do it. She knew it was coming.

Why did you take the kids?

To remove them from a very toxic situation. It all worked out fine and I got full custody of them. And yes, I was accused of kidnapping because apparently, it's kidnapping when man does it. My only regret is not doing it years earlier.

Was the situation toxic and dangerous?

It doesn't matter and I'm not hijacking OP's thread to tell my story. You'll just have to trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you positive it is actually your DH who is leaving? Could it be you were speaking with someone else (who also happened to be planning a move) and you confused the two? If not, possibly it was a visitor to your home who was planning to leave and that (the leaving) was what got stuck in your head. Here's is hoping this was all a misunderstanding or a case of mistaken identity.

Is this a joke?