Processing that spouse is leaving

[Anonymous]

So my marriage is basically breaking down. One kid. I’m pretty sure my spouse is moving out this week but he isn’t speaking to me. Any tips from the been there done that crowd on how to process this and also focus on work and everything else. I have a ton going on and this isn’t totally out of the blue but somewhat. He literally won’t speak to me or clue me in on anything.

[Anonymous]

The sooner he moves out the sooner you can start to move on. I get the feeling you're not telling the whole story, OP, but whatever it is, start with a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

What did you do? The sooner you start processing your role in the breakdown the sooner you will grow from the situation.

[Anonymous]

So who is having the affair- you or him?

[Anonymous]

Retain a lawyer immediately.

[Anonymous]

Interesting. I've had this feeling for at least 3 years.

[Anonymous]

I’m going through this. I won’t lie to you, it’s very hard. You will need the support of friends and family. A good therapist also helps. Give yourself permission to cry and fall apart sometimes. There is tremendous grief. It’s like a death.

[Anonymous]

What makes you think he’s moving out this week?
My ex moved out without saying a word, the worst is that he took DC without telling me. I had to get the police involved.

Do you have a custody agreements? I would schedule something fun to do with DC or friends.

Make sure your jewelry or items of value are in s safe place.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. The silent treatment is cruelty. It sounds like you are tiptoeing around your spouse. I would encourage you to just come right out and say that it looks like he is planning to leave, and could he please give you more information so you can know how to schedule your next few weeks?

Also, put your ducks in a row. Get all your financial records. Change all your passwords. Lock down your email. Make a free 30 minute consult with a lawyer or two.

Do not try to “process” it. This is like a death. No one expects someone to rovers that their husband just died…but it is actually a comfort to DO STUFF like have yo get out of bed and pick out a casket, write an obituary, plan the funeral. The busy-ness of it all can keep you afloat.

For now, don’t get caught in the trap of trying to “process”. That’s a recipe for rumination, obsession, and a mental spiral downward. Processing is for later, sometimes years later. For now you gotta click into survival mode. Take care of your kid. Take care of your kid’s cuter by taking care of yourself. Once you are in a safer place in terms of situation, you can think about “processing”.

Don’t be passive and wait for him to tell you what the rest of your life is going to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going through this. I won’t lie to you, it’s very hard. You will need the support of friends and family. A good therapist also helps. Give yourself permission to cry and fall apart sometimes. There is tremendous grief. It’s like a death.

Same. It’s awful. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going through this. I won’t lie to you, it’s very hard. You will need the support of friends and family. A good therapist also helps. Give yourself permission to cry and fall apart sometimes. There is tremendous grief. It’s like a death.

Same. It’s awful. I’m sorry.

Yup me too. For me it feels even worse than a death. Or, the death of everything I hold dear and have worked for. An actual death would bring a sense of closure that I'm not sure I will ever have. Take care, OP. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Lawyer up and make sure you have money in your name only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What makes you think he’s moving out this week?
My ex moved out without saying a word, the worst is that he took DC without telling me. I had to get the police involved.

Do you have a custody agreements? I would schedule something fun to do with DC or friends.

Make sure your jewelry or items of value are in s safe place.

This sounds like good advice. OP, I'm so sorry. Your husband isn't playing fair. Given his behavior, I would expect that he won't be fair moving forward so do what you have to to protect yourself and your child. If at all possible, backburner getting over this and focus on practical steps to take now to protect yourself and your child. Do you have a strong relative or friend you can call to help you plan? Someone who's on your side and has good judgment.

Hugs to you and your kid. Good luck and take care.

[Anonymous]

My friend’s (now) ex-DH took their newborn when they got into an argument and turned off his phone, so she could locate him or the baby. She was absolutely hysterical. She was texting nonstop, pleading with him to at least come home so she could nurse the child. I have no idea what possessed him to do something so cruel, but taking a newborn from their mother (who is their only source of food at this point) is truly awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What makes you think he’s moving out this week?
My ex moved out without saying a word, the worst is that he took DC without telling me. I had to get the police involved.

Do you have a custody agreements? I would schedule something fun to do with DC or friends.

Make sure your jewelry or items of value are in s safe place.

If you weren't present he would have been charged with child abandonment. Sometimes that happens in court cases regardless. Glad men are being smart about their rights.