Child wants to live with dad

[Anonymous]

I think this is just typical of a teen/tween mom/daughter relationship.

My relationship with my mom was the same growing up and I always wanted to live with dad, the fun parent. Then I grew up and realized dad was not reliable at all! Now that I'm an adult I'm more the parent than he is and I'm constantly venting to my mom about him.

I would try to talk to dad to see if he even wants her to live with him (mine never would have let us live with him). If he does want her to then I would let them try it for a while because it could help improve your relationship because she'll see that being with the fun parent all the time isn't all that fun.

[Anonymous]

Keep a diary. Record her reasons. Fight for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thing I ever did was let my kids go live with their dad.

It was nonstop fights... we don't have to do this at dad's house, at dad's house we eat out all the time, dad doesn't have that rule... blah, blah, blah.

One day when they said they wanted to live with him, I snapped and told them to get packed. I'd call him and take them over.

That was a fun convo because he didn't want them fulltime. He knew he was in the "sweet position" of getting to be the fun parent and leave all the shit parts up to me.

Anyway, while they were in heaven, I got daily texts from him, begging me to convince them to come home. I told him they were home. Deal with it. It was my turn to be the fun parent!

He got to deal with the consequences of them having no rules while at his place for a change. The phone calls and emails from school over work not being completed on Monday morning or a kid fall asleep because they were allowed to spend all night playing video games.

It lasted 4 months before both kids asked to move back with me. It was hard to watch them flouder and fail while away, but it was necessary. Even my therapist agreed when we talked about the situation. They needed to lean that the rules, which btw were not harsh or unreasonable, were there to protect them. You know, simple things like having a bedtime, homework done before video games, and keeping their rooms clean. During that time both kids went from being good students to failing many classes. They missed extracurricular lessons and sports practices if it wasn't my night with them. They learned that too much of a good thing is not a good thing.

That was almost 3 years ago and our relationships are amazing. And as a bonus, I've never heard "i want to live with dad" ever again and doubt I ever will.

I think you handled this really well. You made this sound easy and that you got a break but if you’re relationships are repaired and excellent that speaks to a lot of work on your part.

This was well played but what would have happened if Dad stepped up, kept the kids and then refused contact?

Or if dad and kids accepted the consequences of poor grades, poor eating habits, poor sleep, etc. many don’t see the value of these things until much later in the game, when opportunities have been lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP is right that you cannot make your child go to court if there is any hope of a relationship with her. You need to let her move and then you need to do everything you can to build a relationship with her.

I’m not sure what “rules” she is objecting to but taking a look at that might help you see where your bond broke down. I’m sorry. This must be so painful.

The rules are doing chores and a bedtime on school nights. The only way to fix that is to not have her do chores and let her stay up as late as she wants.

PP here. I know you’re hurt. But this is pretty black and white thinking. Maybe your daughter opened the door for negotiations. Maybe she’s ready for a range for bedtime and even some times of dealing with the consequences of being overtired. And you can make chores more palatable, like maybe by setting a time to do them together before a fun activity or whatever might work.

+1 This is a really common issue for kids of divorce. Clearly you do your kid no favors by saying, "oh in that case, we just won't have any rules!" BUT, I do see primary parents (usually moms) who get really locked into being the "good parent", compensating for the looseness of the other parent by being very rule-bound. Some rules and limits are good for your child, but she's also at an age where she needs to feel some autonomy and she needs to feel all your love. Make sure you are taking time for fun, joy, and connection-even if that requires loosening some rules.

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t appreciate you op which is par for the course at this age. All she sees with dad is nonstop fun. I don’t think it’s about you.. she just has the vocabulary to make it sound way worse then it actually is. She probably views judges as demigods who can make anything happen (who knows what she’s heard or thinks she’s heard), and she probably thinks you are a god and that you make the rules for everything which in a large way, you do.


I would sit her down and explain to her how custody works, that it isn’t a matter of “letting” her do anything, it’s not like you letting her go to grandma’s or to a friend’s house.
I
Would explain to her that words matter and that if she’d like to live with her father, you will work towards that goal.

I would tell her that threatening someone legally is something you only say if you mean it, and you’d better know what you’re saying, then explain to her how a judge works.
Tell her that you are willing to discuss anything, but that you won’t be intimidated or threatened, she needs to know she went too far with that comment.

Let her know that her dad may not want her to live with him though if she’d like to ask, you’re willing to do it.
Let her know there will be no going back and forth, if she’s living with dad, that’s fine, if she decides she doesn’t like it, and at some point she won’t like it, she’ll have to wait for an appropriate time to move back, the end of the school year for example.
Explain that everybody needs consistency and an order to their days including you, her, and her dad.

If she lives with Dad, I’d be less available to her, no picking her up, dad can handle it. No taking her to activities, if dad doesn’t want to do it or can’t do it, well, then she just doesn’t go that week. No help with homework even if you’d be really good at it, she’s living with dad, dad can handle it. I wouldn’t tell this to her, I’d just do it if the plans to move in with dad happen. Treat it like it’s 1980 and she doesn’t have as ready access to you as she probably does what with texting and all. Again, don’t be mean or nasty, just don’t be there to pick up the pieces because there will be pieces.

Sounds like you’ve got a tween that’s too comfortable and has legal vocabulary to back it up.

I’d entertain what she wants so she knows you can and will, and so she feels like she’s being taken seriously, which doesn’t mean I’d make it comfortable for her.

My guess is Dad knows nothing about what she’s saying, nor will he agree to it. I may even show her the document production needed so she can live with dad something like “You say you want to do this, I’m going to try and make it happen for you”
I think your daughter will feel a lot better towards you if you say to her “we’ll try to do this for you, and here is what I’m going to so you can be where you want to be”. v. you just saying no and crying. Let her know what you can and can’t do (even moms have rules) and that the other person doesn’t have to agree. Let her know that even if Dad does agree, there is no guarantee she’ll like living there. Dad will get sick, crabby, need to work, have a car break down, think an activity is a waste of time, simply not want to spend money on whatever thing she wants, same as you do.

Remember too that if it wasn’t dad’s house, she’d want something else, a sport, a hobby, and it might be a physically risky hobby or sport. My kid has talked to me about riding a motorcycle and I’ve told her the first thing you learn in motorcycle school is how to fall off. I’ve also told her that you need a special license to drive a motorcycle, and yes, there can be times when they might be a lot of fun.


I can guarantee you that some of her dreams are things you may not like or think is good for her. Sometimes you’ll be right and sometimes you may just end up being wrong. You need to get ready for that.
This may be several conversations that happen over months or years so be ready. The motorcycle conversation happens periodically at our house. I can also remember when my kid had a good friend with parents who got divorced. It took my kid a long time to realize that the divorce would impact her life, that it wasn’t a matter of “just text her dad to see if she can come over” even though in theory it should have worked that way. Both parents became very into “It’s my time with my kid” and weren’t interested in having her see friends and it was real tough for my kid to understand that. My kid didn’t care which adult was at the playdate, she just wanted there to be a playdate and there weren’t anymore. My kid also asked me at one point why her friend couldn’t talk to the judge so they could have playdates, “If mom and dad say no, can’t you help my friend just call the judge?” and again, it took a lot of conversations to explain why that didn’t work.


I’m sorry, op. It can suck to have your hard work go unappreciated especially when you don’t have another adult to hug you and say “I am proud of you” or “thank you” or even another adult say “You need to listen to your mom Sally, your mom loves and cares about you”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Both parents became very into “It’s my time with my kid” and weren’t interested in having her see friends and it was real tough for my kid to understand that. My kid didn’t care which adult was at the playdate, she just wanted there to be a playdate and there weren’t anymore. My kid also asked me at one point why her friend couldn’t talk to the judge so they could have playdates, “If mom and dad say no, can’t you help my friend just call the judge?” and again, it took a lot of conversations to explain why that didn’t work.

this is one of the many reasons why anything other than a single home custody agreement should be illegal, a social is an important part of a child's life so often destroyed by having to split time with parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the Dad re-married? And has other kids?

He’s remarried and has another child plus two step kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt the judge would agree with the child

Not at 11 but at 13 the mom would loose custody of the child and never have to see her ever again. Happened twice to my friend both when her kids turned 13. She has no custody and pays child support to children she can’t see. Even if the dad lets the child drop out of school a judge would still give sole custody to whichever parent the child wants to live with at age 13.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Both parents became very into “It’s my time with my kid” and weren’t interested in having her see friends and it was real tough for my kid to understand that. My kid didn’t care which adult was at the playdate, she just wanted there to be a playdate and there weren’t anymore. My kid also asked me at one point why her friend couldn’t talk to the judge so they could have playdates, “If mom and dad say no, can’t you help my friend just call the judge?” and again, it took a lot of conversations to explain why that didn’t work.

this is one of the many reasons why anything other than a single home custody agreement should be illegal, a social is an important part of a child's life so often destroyed by having to split time with parents

Many of us are civil coparents and able to make the playdate happen on either parent's custody time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Both parents became very into “It’s my time with my kid” and weren’t interested in having her see friends and it was real tough for my kid to understand that. My kid didn’t care which adult was at the playdate, she just wanted there to be a playdate and there weren’t anymore. My kid also asked me at one point why her friend couldn’t talk to the judge so they could have playdates, “If mom and dad say no, can’t you help my friend just call the judge?” and again, it took a lot of conversations to explain why that didn’t work.

this is one of the many reasons why anything other than a single home custody agreement should be illegal, a social is an important part of a child's life so often destroyed by having to split time with parents

Parents are far more important to play dates.

What you are suggesting is basically terminating the other parents rights. If you are ok with kids only in one home, you should give up your custody. Many parents don't do playdates. Its not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Both parents became very into “It’s my time with my kid” and weren’t interested in having her see friends and it was real tough for my kid to understand that. My kid didn’t care which adult was at the playdate, she just wanted there to be a playdate and there weren’t anymore. My kid also asked me at one point why her friend couldn’t talk to the judge so they could have playdates, “If mom and dad say no, can’t you help my friend just call the judge?” and again, it took a lot of conversations to explain why that didn’t work.

this is one of the many reasons why anything other than a single home custody agreement should be illegal, a social is an important part of a child's life so often destroyed by having to split time with parents

Parents are far more important to play dates.

What you are suggesting is basically terminating the other parents rights. If you are ok with kids only in one home, you should give up your custody. Many parents don't do playdates. Its not a big deal.

what i'm suggesting is that the other parent be required to visit the child at the primary custodian's home so as to minimize disruption to the child, the child's needs should always come before the parents needs or wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Both parents became very into “It’s my time with my kid” and weren’t interested in having her see friends and it was real tough for my kid to understand that. My kid didn’t care which adult was at the playdate, she just wanted there to be a playdate and there weren’t anymore. My kid also asked me at one point why her friend couldn’t talk to the judge so they could have playdates, “If mom and dad say no, can’t you help my friend just call the judge?” and again, it took a lot of conversations to explain why that didn’t work.

this is one of the many reasons why anything other than a single home custody agreement should be illegal, a social is an important part of a child's life so often destroyed by having to split time with parents

Parents are far more important to play dates.

What you are suggesting is basically terminating the other parents rights. If you are ok with kids only in one home, you should give up your custody. Many parents don't do playdates. Its not a big deal.

what i'm suggesting is that the other parent be required to visit the child at the primary custodian's home so as to minimize disruption to the child, the child's needs should always come before the parents needs or wants.

Bizarre. So, basically you are suggesting one parent get full sole custody and the other parent get a play date every so often to see the kids. That's not parenting. That's terminating a parent's rights and terminating the relationship between parent and child.

As a parent, would you be agreeable to your ex getting custody and you seeing your child every few weeks for a few hours supervised in their home? Because, from what you say the child's needs come first and you are saying the child is better off being parenting by one child and the parents needs/wants come last so your needs/wants come last and you give up custody for supervised play dates with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd shut it down or you'll be in for a bunch of back-and-forth as Dad creates rules she doesn't like.

The custody arrangement is the custody arrangement, and absent abuse or significant change in circumstances, should not be left up to a kid that age.

She’s 11. She’s getting close to the teenaged years, when many judges WILL listen to kids who want changes in custody, as long as the receiving parent is willing and capable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Both parents became very into “It’s my time with my kid” and weren’t interested in having her see friends and it was real tough for my kid to understand that. My kid didn’t care which adult was at the playdate, she just wanted there to be a playdate and there weren’t anymore. My kid also asked me at one point why her friend couldn’t talk to the judge so they could have playdates, “If mom and dad say no, can’t you help my friend just call the judge?” and again, it took a lot of conversations to explain why that didn’t work.

this is one of the many reasons why anything other than a single home custody agreement should be illegal, a social is an important part of a child's life so often destroyed by having to split time with parents

Parents are far more important to play dates.

What you are suggesting is basically terminating the other parents rights. If you are ok with kids only in one home, you should give up your custody. Many parents don't do playdates. Its not a big deal.

what i'm suggesting is that the other parent be required to visit the child at the primary custodian's home so as to minimize disruption to the child, the child's needs should always come before the parents needs or wants.

Bizarre. So, basically you are suggesting one parent get full sole custody and the other parent get a play date every so often to see the kids. That's not parenting. That's terminating a parent's rights and terminating the relationship between parent and child.

As a parent, would you be agreeable to your ex getting custody and you seeing your child every few weeks for a few hours supervised in their home? Because, from what you say the child's needs come first and you are saying the child is better off being parenting by one child and the parents needs/wants come last so your needs/wants come last and you give up custody for supervised play dates with your child.

For the the record i am not speaking as a divorced parent but as someone whose parents divorced when i was around 8 and really messed up my childhood by splitting custody, so yes i am saying that one parent should get full physical custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Both parents became very into “It’s my time with my kid” and weren’t interested in having her see friends and it was real tough for my kid to understand that. My kid didn’t care which adult was at the playdate, she just wanted there to be a playdate and there weren’t anymore. My kid also asked me at one point why her friend couldn’t talk to the judge so they could have playdates, “If mom and dad say no, can’t you help my friend just call the judge?” and again, it took a lot of conversations to explain why that didn’t work.

this is one of the many reasons why anything other than a single home custody agreement should be illegal, a social is an important part of a child's life so often destroyed by having to split time with parents

Parents are far more important to play dates.

What you are suggesting is basically terminating the other parents rights. If you are ok with kids only in one home, you should give up your custody. Many parents don't do playdates. Its not a big deal.

what i'm suggesting is that the other parent be required to visit the child at the primary custodian's home so as to minimize disruption to the child, the child's needs should always come before the parents needs or wants.

Bizarre. So, basically you are suggesting one parent get full sole custody and the other parent get a play date every so often to see the kids. That's not parenting. That's terminating a parent's rights and terminating the relationship between parent and child.

As a parent, would you be agreeable to your ex getting custody and you seeing your child every few weeks for a few hours supervised in their home? Because, from what you say the child's needs come first and you are saying the child is better off being parenting by one child and the parents needs/wants come last so your needs/wants come last and you give up custody for supervised play dates with your child.

For the the record i am not speaking as a divorced parent but as someone whose parents divorced when i was around 8 and really messed up my childhood by splitting custody, so yes i am saying that one parent should get full physical custody.

And, other kids are really messed up by losing one parent due to divorce. So, if you divorce are you willing to give up full custody to your spouse and be a visitor for playdates in your ex's home (supervised). That is what you are suggesting.