Child wants to live with dad

[Anonymous]

Best thing I ever did was let my kids go live with their dad.

It was nonstop fights... we don't have to do this at dad's house, at dad's house we eat out all the time, dad doesn't have that rule... blah, blah, blah.

One day when they said they wanted to live with him, I snapped and told them to get packed. I'd call him and take them over.

That was a fun convo because he didn't want them fulltime. He knew he was in the "sweet position" of getting to be the fun parent and leave all the shit parts up to me.

Anyway, while they were in heaven, I got daily texts from him, begging me to convince them to come home. I told him they were home. Deal with it. It was my turn to be the fun parent!

He got to deal with the consequences of them having no rules while at his place for a change. The phone calls and emails from school over work not being completed on Monday morning or a kid fall asleep because they were allowed to spend all night playing video games.

It lasted 4 months before both kids asked to move back with me. It was hard to watch them flouder and fail while away, but it was necessary. Even my therapist agreed when we talked about the situation. They needed to lean that the rules, which btw were not harsh or unreasonable, were there to protect them. You know, simple things like having a bedtime, homework done before video games, and keeping their rooms clean. During that time both kids went from being good students to failing many classes. They missed extracurricular lessons and sports practices if it wasn't my night with them. They learned that too much of a good thing is not a good thing.

That was almost 3 years ago and our relationships are amazing. And as a bonus, I've never heard "i want to live with dad" ever again and doubt I ever will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP is right that you cannot make your child go to court if there is any hope of a relationship with her. You need to let her move and then you need to do everything you can to build a relationship with her.

I’m not sure what “rules” she is objecting to but taking a look at that might help you see where your bond broke down. I’m sorry. This must be so painful.

The rules are doing chores and a bedtime on school nights. The only way to fix that is to not have her do chores and let her stay up as late as she wants.

[Anonymous]

Typical tween. They may want all sorts of things but it doesn’t mean it is best for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thing I ever did was let my kids go live with their dad.

It was nonstop fights... we don't have to do this at dad's house, at dad's house we eat out all the time, dad doesn't have that rule... blah, blah, blah.

One day when they said they wanted to live with him, I snapped and told them to get packed. I'd call him and take them over.

That was a fun convo because he didn't want them fulltime. He knew he was in the "sweet position" of getting to be the fun parent and leave all the shit parts up to me.

Anyway, while they were in heaven, I got daily texts from him, begging me to convince them to come home. I told him they were home. Deal with it. It was my turn to be the fun parent!

He got to deal with the consequences of them having no rules while at his place for a change. The phone calls and emails from school over work not being completed on Monday morning or a kid fall asleep because they were allowed to spend all night playing video games.

It lasted 4 months before both kids asked to move back with me. It was hard to watch them flouder and fail while away, but it was necessary. Even my therapist agreed when we talked about the situation. They needed to lean that the rules, which btw were not harsh or unreasonable, were there to protect them. You know, simple things like having a bedtime, homework done before video games, and keeping their rooms clean. During that time both kids went from being good students to failing many classes. They missed extracurricular lessons and sports practices if it wasn't my night with them. They learned that too much of a good thing is not a good thing.

That was almost 3 years ago and our relationships are amazing. And as a bonus, I've never heard "i want to live with dad" ever again and doubt I ever will.

I think you handled this really well. You made this sound easy and that you got a break but if you’re relationships are repaired and excellent that speaks to a lot of work on your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP is right that you cannot make your child go to court if there is any hope of a relationship with her. You need to let her move and then you need to do everything you can to build a relationship with her.

I’m not sure what “rules” she is objecting to but taking a look at that might help you see where your bond broke down. I’m sorry. This must be so painful.

The rules are doing chores and a bedtime on school nights. The only way to fix that is to not have her do chores and let her stay up as late as she wants.

PP here. I know you’re hurt. But this is pretty black and white thinking. Maybe your daughter opened the door for negotiations. Maybe she’s ready for a range for bedtime and even some times of dealing with the consequences of being overtired. And you can make chores more palatable, like maybe by setting a time to do them together before a fun activity or whatever might work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I share custody of our 11 year old daughter. She’s recently expressed interest that she no longer wants to live with me, but with her dad. Her reasons, because I have too many rules and she can do whatever she wants with her dad. She has even went as far as to say if I don’t let her live there she will ask her dad to go to court and let the judge make that decision legally. This is very upsetting to me as I’ve done everything I can for my daughter and can’t believe she feels this way towards me. What should I do?

For a child to feel this strongly about not living with you then you, obviously, did all the wrong things. Let her go and live with him. Maybe the change will be good for both of you. If you make her go to court then you will lose her forever.

Please. That is ridiculous. Kids can be manipulative and don’t like rules. If Dad is being Disney dad and let’s her play games all day, have social media, eat junk food, never do chores, and go to bed whenever she wants, of course she will want to live over on Gilligan’s Island and have fun all day. The likelihood is that the dad is an awful dad, but the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Is the Dad re-married? And has other kids?

[Anonymous]

Any chance dad put her up to this for financial reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP is right that you cannot make your child go to court if there is any hope of a relationship with her. You need to let her move and then you need to do everything you can to build a relationship with her.

I’m not sure what “rules” she is objecting to but taking a look at that might help you see where your bond broke down. I’m sorry. This must be so painful.

The rules are doing chores and a bedtime on school nights. The only way to fix that is to not have her do chores and let her stay up as late as she wants.

Ugh, so sorry you are dealing with this. Any chance of coordinating with dad on the rules?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP is right that you cannot make your child go to court if there is any hope of a relationship with her. You need to let her move and then you need to do everything you can to build a relationship with her.

I’m not sure what “rules” she is objecting to but taking a look at that might help you see where your bond broke down. I’m sorry. This must be so painful.

The rules are doing chores and a bedtime on school nights. The only way to fix that is to not have her do chores and let her stay up as late as she wants.

No, you stay being a responsible parent and keep a bedtime. For the chores, I'd tell her that everyone does chores and if she wants you to drive her, cook, grocery shop, clean, etc. then she also needs to pitch in. If she doesn't want to pick in, she can handle all those things herself. Part of living in a family is helping each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thing I ever did was let my kids go live with their dad.

It was nonstop fights... we don't have to do this at dad's house, at dad's house we eat out all the time, dad doesn't have that rule... blah, blah, blah.

One day when they said they wanted to live with him, I snapped and told them to get packed. I'd call him and take them over.

That was a fun convo because he didn't want them fulltime. He knew he was in the "sweet position" of getting to be the fun parent and leave all the shit parts up to me.

Anyway, while they were in heaven, I got daily texts from him, begging me to convince them to come home. I told him they were home. Deal with it. It was my turn to be the fun parent!

He got to deal with the consequences of them having no rules while at his place for a change. The phone calls and emails from school over work not being completed on Monday morning or a kid fall asleep because they were allowed to spend all night playing video games.

It lasted 4 months before both kids asked to move back with me. It was hard to watch them flouder and fail while away, but it was necessary. Even my therapist agreed when we talked about the situation. They needed to lean that the rules, which btw were not harsh or unreasonable, were there to protect them. You know, simple things like having a bedtime, homework done before video games, and keeping their rooms clean. During that time both kids went from being good students to failing many classes. They missed extracurricular lessons and sports practices if it wasn't my night with them. They learned that too much of a good thing is not a good thing.

That was almost 3 years ago and our relationships are amazing. And as a bonus, I've never heard "i want to live with dad" ever again and doubt I ever will.

I think you handled this really well. You made this sound easy and that you got a break but if you’re relationships are repaired and excellent that speaks to a lot of work on your part.

This was well played but what would have happened if Dad stepped up, kept the kids and then refused contact?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt the judge would agree with the child

Exactly. Because apparently Dad doesn't have rules. Most kids would love this, right?

This is a pretty normal scenario with kids, and, no, the child isn't going to go live with Dad because he let's her do what she wants.

For all these PPs who somehow think Mom is at fault here, good grief. Mom is parenting- that's her job. If child wants to go to court- I say go. Kid will learn a few things in court.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a great Disney movie. But, no, Mom and Dad won't get together in the end, and we all will learn why Mom and Dad divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thing I ever did was let my kids go live with their dad.

It was nonstop fights... we don't have to do this at dad's house, at dad's house we eat out all the time, dad doesn't have that rule... blah, blah, blah.

One day when they said they wanted to live with him, I snapped and told them to get packed. I'd call him and take them over.

That was a fun convo because he didn't want them fulltime. He knew he was in the "sweet position" of getting to be the fun parent and leave all the shit parts up to me.

Anyway, while they were in heaven, I got daily texts from him, begging me to convince them to come home. I told him they were home. Deal with it. It was my turn to be the fun parent!

He got to deal with the consequences of them having no rules while at his place for a change. The phone calls and emails from school over work not being completed on Monday morning or a kid fall asleep because they were allowed to spend all night playing video games.

It lasted 4 months before both kids asked to move back with me. It was hard to watch them flouder and fail while away, but it was necessary. Even my therapist agreed when we talked about the situation. They needed to lean that the rules, which btw were not harsh or unreasonable, were there to protect them. You know, simple things like having a bedtime, homework done before video games, and keeping their rooms clean. During that time both kids went from being good students to failing many classes. They missed extracurricular lessons and sports practices if it wasn't my night with them. They learned that too much of a good thing is not a good thing.

That was almost 3 years ago and our relationships are amazing. And as a bonus, I've never heard "i want to live with dad" ever again and doubt I ever will.

This. Good call Mom.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone who says, let this play out. It will help teach her some life lessons and will help strengthen her relationship with you in the long-run. Discuss the temporary change in living arrangement with your ExDH and see what can be worked out. She's in a "grass is always greener" frame of mind right now and will learn the downsides of more freedom, as mentioned above. Or of Dad becoming more family management-oriented like you are and learning that's how a parent has to be when they're the primary caregiver.

One of our two DDs has a stronger relationship with my DH rather than me. It's emotionally hard for me because I do so much for her and have sacrificed so much for her. But...children tend to be closer to the opposite-gender parent (Daddy's girl, Momma's boy) and I try not to take it personally. Same-gender parent-child relationships tend to clash more during this phase. I was closer to my dad as well as a child and teen, but became much closer with my mom once I was out of the house and understood/appreciated her much more when I was an adult.

Best wishes!