Child wants to live with dad

[Anonymous]

My ex and I share custody of our 11 year old daughter. She’s recently expressed interest that she no longer wants to live with me, but with her dad. Her reasons, because I have too many rules and she can do whatever she wants with her dad. She has even went as far as to say if I don’t let her live there she will ask her dad to go to court and let the judge make that decision legally. This is very upsetting to me as I’ve done everything I can for my daughter and can’t believe she feels this way towards me. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I share custody of our 11 year old daughter. She’s recently expressed interest that she no longer wants to live with me, but with her dad. Her reasons, because I have too many rules and she can do whatever she wants with her dad. She has even went as far as to say if I don’t let her live there she will ask her dad to go to court and let the judge make that decision legally. This is very upsetting to me as I’ve done everything I can for my daughter and can’t believe she feels this way towards me. What should I do?

For a child to feel this strongly about not living with you then you, obviously, did all the wrong things. Let her go and live with him. Maybe the change will be good for both of you. If you make her go to court then you will lose her forever.

[Anonymous]

PP is right that you cannot make your child go to court if there is any hope of a relationship with her. You need to let her move and then you need to do everything you can to build a relationship with her.

I’m not sure what “rules” she is objecting to but taking a look at that might help you see where your bond broke down. I’m sorry. This must be so painful.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with PPs. I think it's pretty normal for kids to test boundaries, particularly in the tweens and teens.

Do you have a custody agreement? There is a reason that courts favor having kids split time between parents -- a relationship with both parents is important.

I am the parent who has rules. exDH does not. This definitely irritated exDH and, to a lesser extent, the kids. Now both kids are in HS and college, and they have each commented separately that dad did not know how to take care of them and they cannot rely on him, but they know that I cared for them and they can rely on me. So, at the end of the day, they recognized that some rules are important, even though they didn't like them at the time. TBH, I had full custody and though they were upset at me at times, they never asked to live full time with dad. They did have 50/50 visitation.

Honestly, I would say to the child -- I love you and dad loves you and we are both your parents and both want to spend time with you and we both have a responsibility to raise you. It's true that sometimes parents have different styles. I have rules that I think are helpful to keep you safe and to help you grow into being a responsible adult. Maybe you feel like you are old enough not to need some of my rules. Or maybe you find it confusing to have different rules at different houses. I am open to discussing rules with you. But, both dad and I will continue to see you.

I would just leave it at that.

Try to get your own therapist so you have someone to sort through these issues with. Also try to take a parenting class. There is a difference between an authoritarian parenting style and an authoritative parenting style. Sometimes instead of rules it is better to rely on natural consequences.

Aside from disagreements about rules, are you able to build some fun times with your daughter when you have time with her?

I recognize that my advice might be at odds with the fact that my own kids lived with me full time, but TBH, their dad never took the 50% custody that was offered, and mental illness and substance abuse were issues in the demise of our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Say no and talk to her Dad. She is playing both of you and you both need to work together. Let him take you to court. Rules are not a compelling reasons to do a custody change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say no and talk to her Dad. She is playing both of you and you both need to work together. Let him take you to court. Rules are not a compelling reasons to do a custody change.

that depends on if said rules are unreasonable or not.

[Anonymous]

Do you know if her Dad would be open to having her live with him full time? I’m asking both to see if it’s an option, but also because it could be devastating to your daughter if her Dad tells her that it’s not an option.

Are the rules pretty typical? Again, I’m asking to see if she’s reacting to typical structure and expectations— or if there’s something developmentally unusual or overly rigid about your rules.

If possible, I think the first step would be to talk with her Dad, see how flexible you both can be, and move on from there — perhaps by meeting together with your daughter to talk about changing living arrangements at least for a trial, without going to court.

From your post, OP, I can’t tell if this is a kid frustrated with reasonable rules who’s reacting like many kids would to a specific situation, or if this is a kid who has given this a lot of thought amidst the difficulties of having to navigate the difficulties of a divorce and family situation in which her needs and wishes may not have been considered or consulted, at least from her point of view.

[Anonymous]

I doubt the judge would agree with the child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say no and talk to her Dad. She is playing both of you and you both need to work together. Let him take you to court. Rules are not a compelling reasons to do a custody change.

that depends on if said rules are unreasonable or not.

DP, but I bet she is playing the parents off each other. I have a 13 year old son who lives primarily with me right now (may be moving in with dad this summer…dad is in a different state too far for 50/50), and my son is wildly successful at playing us because my ex refuses to communicate with me regarding parenting.

[Anonymous]

It’s nice that she straight-up told you that instead of making some sneaky excuse because I say that’s a no.

But don’t take it personally! Don’t make this about your pain. You’re doing your best and your kid is not going to appreciate your efforts.

But if you are being too strict, you probably can relax a few of your rules and be more of the fun parent without letting your kid know.

[Anonymous]

I'd shut it down or you'll be in for a bunch of back-and-forth as Dad creates rules she doesn't like.

The custody arrangement is the custody arrangement, and absent abuse or significant change in circumstances, should not be left up to a kid that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say no and talk to her Dad. She is playing both of you and you both need to work together. Let him take you to court. Rules are not a compelling reasons to do a custody change.

that depends on if said rules are unreasonable or not.

DP, but I bet she is playing the parents off each other. I have a 13 year old son who lives primarily with me right now (may be moving in with dad this summer…dad is in a different state too far for 50/50), and my son is wildly successful at playing us because my ex refuses to communicate with me regarding parenting.

Thats why i said it depends, i have a cousin that does that as a way of "getting revenge" on his parents for ruining his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd shut it down or you'll be in for a bunch of back-and-forth as Dad creates rules she doesn't like.

The custody arrangement is the custody arrangement, and absent abuse or significant change in circumstances, should not be left up to a kid that age.

Seeing as the child is the one most directly affected and inconvenienced by the custody agreement, yes it should be up to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd shut it down or you'll be in for a bunch of back-and-forth as Dad creates rules she doesn't like.

The custody arrangement is the custody arrangement, and absent abuse or significant change in circumstances, should not be left up to a kid that age.

Seeing as the child is the one most directly affected and inconvenienced by the custody agreement, yes it should be up to them.

Absolutely. This is a tween, not a 5 yo.

OP, you should consider increasing the time she spends with her dad first. It doesn’t need to be all or nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I share custody of our 11 year old daughter. She’s recently expressed interest that she no longer wants to live with me, but with her dad. Her reasons, because I have too many rules and she can do whatever she wants with her dad. She has even went as far as to say if I don’t let her live there she will ask her dad to go to court and let the judge make that decision legally. This is very upsetting to me as I’ve done everything I can for my daughter and can’t believe she feels this way towards me. What should I do?

For a child to feel this strongly about not living with you then you, obviously, did all the wrong things. Let her go and live with him. Maybe the change will be good for both of you. If you make her go to court then you will lose her forever.

This is complete, utter BS. OP do not listen to this drivel. What a horrendous and ignorant response - what is wrong with you, PP? This stinks of Angry Single Dad Troll.