Dating someone with ED

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is otherwise so masculine and really turns me on but due to a surgery has pretty severe ED. WWYD. Can get it up with medical assistance (injections) but needless to say I was not expecting this. Don’t want to hurt his feelings and was totally accepting and supportive about it. We’re all only mortal after all. But, it’s a lot. He is otherwise fantastic at foreplay/other stuff.

OP, it's a myth that "ideal" sex is PIV (sorry, hate that acronym but not sure if DCUM non-explicit rules will toss me out if I'm more direct). There's a sex therapy column in the Guardian newspaper by Pamela Stephenson and she often points out that there is much, much more to giving and receiving plenty of satisfying pleasure than just penetration. If you can only picture yourself being satisfied that way, try to think outside the box. If he's "fantastic" at other stuff, and the "other stuff" gets you where you want to go, so to speak -- is his being able to penetrate every time, or even most of the time, really that big a deal to you? Can you expand your repertoire with him to mutual use of toys etc.?

And is the issue his ED, or really more the idea of his having to use injections? Any chance that it's the idea of medical assistance and the associated delay, maybe waiting for things to take effect, that's affecting your thinking here? It's OK to admit it if it kind of freaks you out, or kills the mood sometimes. Admit it, but why let it end a relationship?

I'm not saying it's a problem to want or need penetrative sex--it's terrific -- but it's also not the end of the world if it's not ideal. Especially with a man who is making a real effort at other ways to get you what you need.

You'll get knee-jerk responses here like "Dump him" because there are people here for whom their idea of perfect sex, on demand, the way they want it, is the be-all and end- all of relationships. If you have more than a sexual connection with this man, you can experiment together on ways to get past issues with his ED. Clearly he's already trying to do just that, which is huge points to him. If you're dating only for sex, then let him find someone who wants more than that in the relationship. I think you sound like you're interested in more than sex here, though.

[Anonymous]

I am for sure interested in more than sex. I give him huge credit for addressing the problem and also for explaining it before we were intimate the first time. The reality of the injections does not bother or turn me off at all, I see it as just a medical condition like injecting insulin for diabetes. I’d do it for him if he lets me. I guess time will tell whether I will ever feel fully sated without the kind of PIV I crave, and whether everything else in and out of the bedroom can make up for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to you really. If PIV is important to you, I’d date someone younger without health issues. If his other qualities make up for the ED, start finding things that can work for both of you sexually. But I don’t think sticking with him and trying to find a solution will work out for you since it’s hard to treat and impossible in some cases.

He has treatment. He has injections. This is not a situation where he is 30 years old and refusing to admit he has an issue or seek a solution. This is a 60 year old man who has identified the (*very* common and pretty much expected) issue and is actively using treatment so his lovers can still have PIV. At this point, it’s *her* issue, not his.

[Anonymous]

I would hang on to him.

Believe me, I am in my 60’s (female) and rarely see contemporaries that are sexy to me.

[Anonymous]

I think this has to do with how you see sex. If being ravished 3-5 times a night is the be all and end all for you, quite honestly you will find the pool of partners who can do this diminishing to nil soon as you yourself are in your 50s. You are also about to go through menopause (since you mention you haven’t already) — so at most you have what, a few more years of this mismatch?

Personally to me having a lover who is in tune with me emotionally and sensually is a much bigger deal than having a particular kind or quantity of intercourse. It doesn’t sound as if this has diminished his passion or interest in sex. Only you can decide but I don’t see why this couldn’t work.

[Anonymous]

I think the problem here is that she’ll feel insecure if she can’t get him off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would hang on to him.

Believe me, I am in my 60’s (female) and rarely see contemporaries that are sexy to me.

Lol well I’m sure he’s not sexy to everyone. But he does it for me. I have an ability to conjure him in his prime mentally that helps. And sometimes when he is happy and smiling he is irresistible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem here is that she’ll feel insecure if she can’t get him off.

Did you know orgasm and ejaculation can be separate things for men? And that they can have orgasm other than “the usual”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this has to do with how you see sex. If being ravished 3-5 times a night is the be all and end all for you, quite honestly you will find the pool of partners who can do this diminishing to nil soon as you yourself are in your 50s. You are also about to go through menopause (since you mention you haven’t already) — so at most you have what, a few more years of this mismatch?

Personally to me having a lover who is in tune with me emotionally and sensually is a much bigger deal than having a particular kind or quantity of intercourse. It doesn’t sound as if this has diminished his passion or interest in sex. Only you can decide but I don’t see why this couldn’t work.

Thank you. He loves sex is just worried that he won’t be enough for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem here is that she’ll feel insecure if she can’t get him off.

Op and yes this is a huge part of it. Like what am I doing for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem here is that she’ll feel insecure if she can’t get him off.

Did you know orgasm and ejaculation can be separate things for men? And that they can have orgasm other than “the usual”?

OP again can you guys help me with this? I truly don’t know how to accomplish this if he can’t get hard from oral or hand jobs (which he can with the treatment but I’d like to know how to accomplish this without that sometimes if it’s possible which I’m not sure it is for him).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem here is that she’ll feel insecure if she can’t get him off.

Did you know orgasm and ejaculation can be separate things for men? And that they can have orgasm other than “the usual”?

OP again can you guys help me with this? I truly don’t know how to accomplish this if he can’t get hard from oral or hand jobs (which he can with the treatment but I’d like to know how to accomplish this without that sometimes if it’s possible which I’m not sure it is for him).

There is Google. There is Reddit. There are sexual health podcasts. This is a non explicit *relationship* forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem here is that she’ll feel insecure if she can’t get him off.

Did you know orgasm and ejaculation can be separate things for men? And that they can have orgasm other than “the usual”?

OP again can you guys help me with this? I truly don’t know how to accomplish this if he can’t get hard from oral or hand jobs (which he can with the treatment but I’d like to know how to accomplish this without that sometimes if it’s possible which I’m not sure it is for him).

There is Google. There is Reddit. There are sexual health podcasts. This is a non explicit *relationship* forum.

Duh. I’m looking for references not explicit directions.

I’ve looked myself and nearly everything is either 1) you can have sex without PIV (thanks Einstein) or 2) here’s how to treat ED. I haven’t found anything that explains how to get a man who can’t get hard to orgasm. Obviously I know how to give a BJ whether it’s hard or soft. The issue is that it doesn’t work on him without the medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has to do with how you see sex. If being ravished 3-5 times a night is the be all and end all for you, quite honestly you will find the pool of partners who can do this diminishing to nil soon as you yourself are in your 50s. You are also about to go through menopause (since you mention you haven’t already) — so at most you have what, a few more years of this mismatch?

Personally to me having a lover who is in tune with me emotionally and sensually is a much bigger deal than having a particular kind or quantity of intercourse. It doesn’t sound as if this has diminished his passion or interest in sex. Only you can decide but I don’t see why this couldn’t work.

Thank you. He loves sex is just worried that he won’t be enough for me.

OP. He’s worried bc it’s true. He’s not enough for you or you wouldn’t have posted this thread. Personally, you sound exhausting and way too consumed with your own pleasure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has to do with how you see sex. If being ravished 3-5 times a night is the be all and end all for you, quite honestly you will find the pool of partners who can do this diminishing to nil soon as you yourself are in your 50s. You are also about to go through menopause (since you mention you haven’t already) — so at most you have what, a few more years of this mismatch?

Personally to me having a lover who is in tune with me emotionally and sensually is a much bigger deal than having a particular kind or quantity of intercourse. It doesn’t sound as if this has diminished his passion or interest in sex. Only you can decide but I don’t see why this couldn’t work.

Thank you. He loves sex is just worried that he won’t be enough for me.

OP. He’s worried bc it’s true. He’s not enough for you or you wouldn’t have posted this thread. Personally, you sound exhausting and way too consumed with your own pleasure.

Just be quiet. She's answering questions from people on this thread.