9 year old sad about not having friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh also I wouldn't take the playdate stuff as a personal reflection on you or your daughter. People have been intense about Covid in some of my mom friend circles.

This. And plenty of families just aren’t into “play dates.” They have other (older) kids and Have after school sports and travel sports/activities and weekends and just don’t have the time or energy to do coordinated play dates. Don’t let your daughter take this personally and don’t let her believe having friends means they must see each other after school at houses and on weekends. It is perfectly fine to have friends you only see at school and sports. She is 9. It sounds like she does have friends at school and plays with kids on recess. That is enough. Her insecurities about what defines a friendship is likely coming from your expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I will look into Girl Scouts for next year. I think finding friends outside of school might also be good for her. I will enroll her in some camps this Summer and hope something clicks for her.

Her class kids are very cliquey she says. She says they all play with her if she asks but is not able to break into any group. It is kind of sad because she likes to lead but no one wants to be with her. She is kind of old soul and is the rule follower type, and a serious personality and nerdy. Her class teacher knows her potential and is always encouraging her in class so she still likes going to school. Maybe she will find a bunch of serious nerdy kids like her in MS.

"She likes to lead" "she is a rule follower". These two things can be seen as a problem in girl friendships. Ask the teacher if she is bossy. Personally, I thinks it's covid related that others formed "bubbles" (cliques) for their kids. My advice? Get her super busy with activities, help her if it turns out she's bossy to learn to sometimes follow what other are doing, sometimes they follow what you're doing. And, she's 9, drop all those virtual activities! That's a waste of time and doesn't help her to get to know anyone.

[Anonymous]

OP how are her social skills? Is she aware of social norms and social queues? In full control of her behavior? Reasonably self-aware? If so, I wouldn't stress too much about it. Focus on after school activities.

Ease up on the social pressure. It's fine to not have school friends. Really. Instead of putting her in clubs with the sole purpose of finding friends, just let her explore her interests. She may connect with others and she may not, but she should feel confident in who she is.

If there is a deeper issue there and she really doesn't know how to interact socially, then explore therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I will look into Girl Scouts for next year. I think finding friends outside of school might also be good for her. I will enroll her in some camps this Summer and hope something clicks for her.

Her class kids are very cliquey she says. She says they all play with her if she asks but is not able to break into any group. It is kind of sad because she likes to lead but no one wants to be with her. She is kind of old soul and is the rule follower type, and a serious personality and nerdy. Her class teacher knows her potential and is always encouraging her in class so she still likes going to school. Maybe she will find a bunch of serious nerdy kids like her in MS.

Don’t wait. Reach out now. There are more than one troop in DD’s grade and they have girls join mid year. It’s a nice mix of kids and they do lots of different activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP how are her social skills? Is she aware of social norms and social queues? In full control of her behavior? Reasonably self-aware? If so, I wouldn't stress too much about it. Focus on after school activities.

Ease up on the social pressure. It's fine to not have school friends. Really. Instead of putting her in clubs with the sole purpose of finding friends, just let her explore her interests. She may connect with others and she may not, but she should feel confident in who she is.

If there is a deeper issue there and she really doesn't know how to interact socially, then explore therapy.

+1 these are important questions. In my experience, kids who still struggle with making friends at 9 are usually considered "weird" or "off" by other kids. Tweens can be mean and cliquey. If I were OP, I would focus on getting her to fit in with her peers, including the way she dresses/talks/acts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh also I wouldn't take the playdate stuff as a personal reflection on you or your daughter. People have been intense about Covid in some of my mom friend circles.

This. And plenty of families just aren’t into “play dates.” They have other (older) kids and Have after school sports and travel sports/activities and weekends and just don’t have the time or energy to do coordinated play dates. Don’t let your daughter take this personally and don’t let her believe having friends means they must see each other after school at houses and on weekends. It is perfectly fine to have friends you only see at school and sports. She is 9. It sounds like she does have friends at school and plays with kids on recess. That is enough. Her insecurities about what defines a friendship is likely coming from your expectations.

I'm not sure if you read my post. She says she is sad because no one cares at recess and unless she asks if she can play, no one asks her to play. She does not have anyone who says "Hey X, you want to play?" and that hurts her feelings. She likes to lead, yet, she goes and asks these kids if she can play and follows their rules and their games and never has an opportunity to play something she wants to play. So, this is not because of any expectations from me. More than the playdates, she is sad that no one cares or asks her to play at recess. It is always her doing the asking and she is feeling lonely because she does not have a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how are her social skills? Is she aware of social norms and social queues? In full control of her behavior? Reasonably self-aware? If so, I wouldn't stress too much about it. Focus on after school activities.

Ease up on the social pressure. It's fine to not have school friends. Really. Instead of putting her in clubs with the sole purpose of finding friends, just let her explore her interests. She may connect with others and she may not, but she should feel confident in who she is.

If there is a deeper issue there and she really doesn't know how to interact socially, then explore therapy.

+1 these are important questions. In my experience, kids who still struggle with making friends at 9 are usually considered "weird" or "off" by other kids. Tweens can be mean and cliquey. If I were OP, I would focus on getting her to fit in with her peers, including the way she dresses/talks/acts.

I will look into this. From what I see, she dresses up decently. I'm not sure how she acts at school with other kids though. She said one kid called her weird behind her back and when someone snitched to her she approached the kid and told the kid it made her sad. She stood up for herself, but maybe girls that age don't like that? She was very confident in herself before and the teacher gives her a lot of responsibility in class from what she says. But some days when she starts feeling sad for herself, the confidence vanishes and she starts second guessing herself because of lack of friends. That is what is most concerning to me. I'm seeing my kid who was very confident now losing that confidence slowly.

She plays well with two of my friends kids, both a year and a half younger than her - they both live 2 hours away and so we meet maybe twice a year. She plays well with the neighbor's boys too.
No cousins her age though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I will look into Girl Scouts for next year. I think finding friends outside of school might also be good for her. I will enroll her in some camps this Summer and hope something clicks for her.

Her class kids are very cliquey she says. She says they all play with her if she asks but is not able to break into any group. It is kind of sad because she likes to lead but no one wants to be with her. She is kind of old soul and is the rule follower type, and a serious personality and nerdy. Her class teacher knows her potential and is always encouraging her in class so she still likes going to school. Maybe she will find a bunch of serious nerdy kids like her in MS.

Don’t wait. Reach out now. There are more than one troop in DD’s grade and they have girls join mid year. It’s a nice mix of kids and they do lots of different activities.

I will do that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how are her social skills? Is she aware of social norms and social queues? In full control of her behavior? Reasonably self-aware? If so, I wouldn't stress too much about it. Focus on after school activities.

Ease up on the social pressure. It's fine to not have school friends. Really. Instead of putting her in clubs with the sole purpose of finding friends, just let her explore her interests. She may connect with others and she may not, but she should feel confident in who she is.

If there is a deeper issue there and she really doesn't know how to interact socially, then explore therapy.

+1 these are important questions. In my experience, kids who still struggle with making friends at 9 are usually considered "weird" or "off" by other kids. Tweens can be mean and cliquey. If I were OP, I would focus on getting her to fit in with her peers, including the way she dresses/talks/acts.

I will look into this. From what I see, she dresses up decently. I'm not sure how she acts at school with other kids though. She said one kid called her weird behind her back and when someone snitched to her she approached the kid and told the kid it made her sad. She stood up for herself, but maybe girls that age don't like that? She was very confident in herself before and the teacher gives her a lot of responsibility in class from what she says. But some days when she starts feeling sad for herself, the confidence vanishes and she starts second guessing herself because of lack of friends. That is what is most concerning to me. I'm seeing my kid who was very confident now losing that confidence slowly.

She plays well with two of my friends kids, both a year and a half younger than her - they both live 2 hours away and so we meet maybe twice a year. She plays well with the neighbor's boys too.
No cousins her age though.

Ask your school's psychologist to do an in-class and playground observation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I will look into Girl Scouts for next year. I think finding friends outside of school might also be good for her. I will enroll her in some camps this Summer and hope something clicks for her.

Her class kids are very cliquey she says. She says they all play with her if she asks but is not able to break into any group. It is kind of sad because she likes to lead but no one wants to be with her. She is kind of old soul and is the rule follower type, and a serious personality and nerdy. Her class teacher knows her potential and is always encouraging her in class so she still likes going to school. Maybe she will find a bunch of serious nerdy kids like her in MS.

Don’t wait. Reach out now. There are more than one troop in DD’s grade and they have girls join mid year. It’s a nice mix of kids and they do lots of different activities.

I will do that

You can search here and find out what’s currently happening around you, if you don’t already have their contact info. https://mygs.girlscouts.org/search;type=TROOP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh also I wouldn't take the playdate stuff as a personal reflection on you or your daughter. People have been intense about Covid in some of my mom friend circles.

This. And plenty of families just aren’t into “play dates.” They have other (older) kids and Have after school sports and travel sports/activities and weekends and just don’t have the time or energy to do coordinated play dates. Don’t let your daughter take this personally and don’t let her believe having friends means they must see each other after school at houses and on weekends. It is perfectly fine to have friends you only see at school and sports. She is 9. It sounds like she does have friends at school and plays with kids on recess. That is enough. Her insecurities about what defines a friendship is likely coming from your expectations.

I'm not sure if you read my post. She says she is sad because no one cares at recess and unless she asks if she can play, no one asks her to play. She does not have anyone who says "Hey X, you want to play?" and that hurts her feelings. She likes to lead, yet, she goes and asks these kids if she can play and follows their rules and their games and never has an opportunity to play something she wants to play. So, this is not because of any expectations from me. More than the playdates, she is sad that no one cares or asks her to play at recess. It is always her doing the asking and she is feeling lonely because she does not have a friend.

So she has kids she plays with at recess and they are friendly with her. That should be enough. Her being put out that THEY didn’t ask HER to play seems petty. She joins in and they accept her, play, have a good time. Tell that is fine, that is normal. You can’t always be the leader of the group or the one everyone wants to play with. Have her focus on joining in and being fun to play with. Who initiates really doesn’t matter. If kids are sensing she is emotionally needy they wont want to play with her.