9 year old sad about not having friends

[Anonymous]

Also, can DD share her FB kids messenger code with other girls to start chatting after school?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, that makes my heart hurt.

I was that kid. No issues or disabilities or anything; just a smart precocious dorky kid who didn't fit the mold. I did make friends eventually. I would encourage you to look for activities for her -- think of things that may be outside the box, like archery or rock climbing or martial arts. And I second asking the teacher about it. Lastly, if you notice habits that might make her less likely to keep friends, gently correct them. I was a sweet kid but I did talk over people and have some know-it-all behaviors and it probably put them off.

[Anonymous]

Oh also I wouldn't take the playdate stuff as a personal reflection on you or your daughter. People have been intense about Covid in some of my mom friend circles.

[Anonymous]

Does your school do lunch bunches? In addition to the teacher, I would reach out to the counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. We switched schools before COVID, then COVID. I know how hard it can be. Can you volunteer for recess to get a visual on which girls might be buddy candidates and the dynamics? Also, can try sending DD in with different pop it's and fidget toys or whatever. Maybe other kids might be interested in playing with those together. Come up too with play ideas at recess? Some kind of "club" like pop it club, or dance club..

This is a great idea. Both my kids will get an ‘in’ toy, usually gifted from another friend, and that helps kids connect. Things like fidgets, Pokémon, tech decks, that sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved when DS was in 4th grade. At some point I realized he always carried a book around because he didn’t have friends at recess.

He joined cub scouts and soccer. I signed him up for a few after school activities. I went on a field trip and met some other parents and kids. We threw a fun birthday party and invited the boys in his class and everyone came. A few parents reached out for play dates. I don’t know if my son even clicked with the other kid but the parents liked me enough to arrange a play date. Eventually my kid started joining other kids in games. He got invited to a few birthday parties.

I would sign up for activities that other kids at the school are doing. Try to meet some other parents.

Me again. I would strongly recommend Scouts. The nicest parents we have met at the school has been through scouts. You do activities together.

[Anonymous]

I have a child like this. Absolutely talk to the teacher. My DD is very very sensitive and the situation according to the teacher wasn’t nearly as dire as she explained it. Doesn’t help her but it did help me feel a little better. I went into full overdrive on the play dates—we hosted once a week for months. I took her abs a friend to bounce places, bowling, salon, our house, etc. she slowly became part of a group.

[Anonymous]

3rd grade teacher here. What kind of things is she into? Sports? Reading? Movies? Tv shows? Students tend to hang out with others that have common interest. Is she shy/quiet? Approachable? Reach out to the teacher but let’s be honest… I can not make someone play with someone. I can give suggestions and opportunities but it is up to each child. Reach out to the counselor to see about any social skill opportunities within the school. 8/9 year olds are very cliquey. I hope she finds a great group of friends soon,

[Anonymous]

We have a similar problem with our 10yo 4th grader. I have been wondering how much it is my own kid's personality, or maybe other things (or a combo). I wonder about social delays (for her and her peers) due to Covid, how much is just the dynamics of this age/hormones, how much is the family-isolation caused by different Covid habits (and some families that really solidified friendships with ppl who lived nearby), etc.

One thing I've realized is that when we keep her busy, there is less time to dwell on it. Could you sign her up for activities a few afternoons a week? Love the Girl Scouts idea. If she's not a soccer/basketball kid, you could consider local rock climbing classes, art classes, kids choirs, Girls on the Run (registration is going on right now, I think), religious youth groups, language classes, drama classes, musical instrument classes, etc. It keeps her busy, teaches skills she can feel proud of, gives her something to talk/think about, tires her out, etc. Of course, this fills time so gets in the way of playdates, but if those aren't working right now anyway, activities may be the better option. And she may meet someone she connects with at the activities!

One other thing I've found is that our younger daughter has made good friends in the extended day program at her school. It's a public school, so the group in before- and after-care is large, and she's really gravitated to a few kids who are not in her school section, so she wouldn't have befriended otherwise. It's also made her feel more connected in school b/c she knows a broader group of kids in other grades.

Good luck - I feel your heartache.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3rd grade teacher here. What kind of things is she into? Sports? Reading? Movies? Tv shows? Students tend to hang out with others that have common interest. Is she shy/quiet? Approachable? Reach out to the teacher but let’s be honest… I can not make someone play with someone. I can give suggestions and opportunities but it is up to each child. Reach out to the counselor to see about any social skill opportunities within the school. 8/9 year olds are very cliquey. I hope she finds a great group of friends soon,

This. They had to do some clique busting at my DC’s school, and that improved things a lot at recess.

[Anonymous]

Op I’m so sorry this sounds really hard and I really feel for your daughter. Someone recommended a book on here for another child a few weeks ago and I wrote it down and purchased it, my son is a little young for it so we haven’t used it fully yet so I can’t report back but thought I’d share since it seems like a good resource https://www.amazon.com/Growing-Friendships-Making-Keeping-Friends/dp/1582705887/ref=asc_df_1582705887_nodl/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312106842432&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5381880356954737169&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9008166&hvtargid=pla-564200773571&psc=1

Might be better for you to use as just a tool for you to help her think through some situations or have ideas because actually reading through the book might make her feel like it’s things she’s been doing that have been causing the issue and that doesn’t seem like the case, wouldn’t want to add to that perception of herself so just a word of caution but still wanted to share

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd really struggled to find and keep friends in elementary, and it was heartbreaking. However in middle school she has found some good friends and has a busy social life. I think she needed a bigger school with clubs and activities to find her tribe.

+1 same with my DS. I think it also helped that the kids choose who they hang out with as they get older vs. seeing their parents’ friends’ kids most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Another for Scouts

[Anonymous]

OP again - I will look into Girl Scouts for next year. I think finding friends outside of school might also be good for her. I will enroll her in some camps this Summer and hope something clicks for her.

Her class kids are very cliquey she says. She says they all play with her if she asks but is not able to break into any group. It is kind of sad because she likes to lead but no one wants to be with her. She is kind of old soul and is the rule follower type, and a serious personality and nerdy. Her class teacher knows her potential and is always encouraging her in class so she still likes going to school. Maybe she will find a bunch of serious nerdy kids like her in MS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a child like this. Absolutely talk to the teacher. My DD is very very sensitive and the situation according to the teacher wasn’t nearly as dire as she explained it. Doesn’t help her but it did help me feel a little better. I went into full overdrive on the play dates—we hosted once a week for months. I took her abs a friend to bounce places, bowling, salon, our house, etc. she slowly became part of a group.

I wish I could do this, but it is not practical for me doing a playdate every week for months.