9 year old sad about not having friends
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Anonymous
| My 9 year old has been sad very lately. I found out after slowly prying that it is because of lack of friends at school. I have engineered playdates but no reciprocation. I've encouraged DD to keep asking kids if she could play at recess. They play with her if she asks, but no one asks her to play of their own volition. She is hurt that no one calls her to play. She says she feels like a tag along and no one really cares. How to help? For those of you who have had kids in her shoes, what did you do? Did they eventually find friends at some point in their lives in school or are they just loners? DD gets upset a lot these days, feels sad for herself and cries a lot. I think it bothers her a lot. I've encouraged sibling play at home but she wants a true friend. |
Anonymous
| Poor thing. Just reading this breaks my heart. Is there any chance you could reach out to her teacher and see if there are any children she seems to get along with well? Does she do activities where there could be possible playmates? |
Anonymous
| My dd really struggled to find and keep friends in elementary, and it was heartbreaking. However in middle school she has found some good friends and has a busy social life. I think she needed a bigger school with clubs and activities to find her tribe. |
Anonymous
+1 OP teachers can be a wealth of information on this front. Parents of older kids often don't think to ask. |
Anonymous
| I’m sorry OP, I know this must be hurting you as much as it’s hurting her. Extra curriculars and summer camps would be my focus. My DD (also 9) has met her closest friends through her sport and summer camp, not school. The shared interests seem to help and she maintains those friendships even though they don’t see each other every day. She has school friends too but isn’t as focused on being super close with them now because she has BFFs outside of school. The confidence that comes with having those friends has helped at school. |
Anonymous
| Poor girl! Definitely talk to her teacher and find out who she gets along with at school. Also, the teacher may be able to direct you to another child who could use a new friend. The pandemic has made socializing extra hard for children. In the mean time, put in some extra mother daughter time to ease the lonely feeling. Finally, I have a 10 year old DD and was shocked to learn that pre-puberty and the uncontrollable emotions that come with that starts earlier. My DD also cries more easily these days. Maybe get the AG body book to read about changes and emotions. Just yesterday my DD got upset and it turned to tears and when I asked her why she was so upset, she looked at me terrified an said I don't know! I just started crying! Best of luck OP! Give her some extra attention! |
Anonymous
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We moved when DS was in 4th grade. At some point I realized he always carried a book around because he didn’t have friends at recess.
He joined cub scouts and soccer. I signed him up for a few after school activities. I went on a field trip and met some other parents and kids. We threw a fun birthday party and invited the boys in his class and everyone came. A few parents reached out for play dates. I don’t know if my son even clicked with the other kid but the parents liked me enough to arrange a play date. Eventually my kid started joining other kids in games. He got invited to a few birthday parties. I would sign up for activities that other kids at the school are doing. Try to meet some other parents. |
Anonymous
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Another vote for talking to the teacher, OP. My DD's 3rd grade class has gone through a bunch of friend drama and teacher definitely has some additional insights.
And keep orchestrating playdates, even if they aren't reciprocated. I've learned that some parents just don't reach out -- could be so many reasons -- but when I initiate, the kids have fun together and it boosts DDs spirits. |
Anonymous
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This is OP. Thank you all. I didn't think of approaching the teacher for this since DD is 9 and they form their own friendships at that age. I will reach out to the teacher.
We have signed up DD for classes but two are virtual, the other two are drop off and parents don't get to stay. So far DD has not made any friends in those 2 classes. DD is not into soccer or basketball though. I've encouraged her to make friends with the boys and she says all they play is soccer and that she does not like that. I have tried playdates with a lot of kids DD said she likes - two came but the other parents said they were not free after several requests so I gave up. The two who did come did not call back. DD says they don't play now with her at recess. We did have a birthday party too last year but very few kids showed up. She got two party invites this school year. DD was saying "I don't have any friends, so lets not have any birthday party this year" (2022). She said she wanted to go to a jumping place with her sibling instead. Just hoping DD finds her tribe in middle school like PP's DD. |
Anonymous
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Look at Girl Scouts or Cub Scouts (girls can join now). Both programs are more social in nature then sports so it encourages the kids to develop relationships with other kids. DS's best friends are all involved in his Cub Scout Den or STEM Scouts with him. He sees them at school and regularly at meetings. They work together on projects and go on field trips together. It has led to more hanging out on the weekends and occasionally after school.
Scouts might not work for your daughter but I would look for an activity that is more then just doing a specific activity and then leaving. You want something that combines activity with socializing. |
Anonymous
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I agree on trying girl scouts, and would focus on activities that are in person and have time for the kids to socialize. Stuff like going to nearby playgrounds, encouraging your kid to bike or rollerskate outside (with or without supervision depending on where you live), hosting a meet up for families near your kid's age at a local playground. It's really challenging and covid has made things even more so. My kid in 5th doesn't have friends in her class because the kids she was close with all left the school, but I work hard to help her keep up with kids we know from other places.
I would also talk to the teacher. At my kid's school there is also a lunch bunch that she has done some years. |
Anonymous
| Does she participate in any activities? Girls Scouts is definitely a great starting point. |
Anonymous
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I don't have other suggestions on how she can make friends, but in the meantime, try not to put pressure on her -- don't ask who she sat with at lunch or played with at recess. She'll tell you if something good happens. For my ES son, who didn't really have friends at school in 5th and 6th grade, we framed it more as, the kids at his school aren't "his people" and that's fine. Middle school will open up the social scene and give her a chance to find new friends.
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Anonymous
Do you or your spouse have a sister, sister-in-law, cousin-in-law, or niece? My homeschooled niece wanted to us to buy bff necklaces which I did, but it broke my heart she didn't have a bestie her own age. It got her through until the next year when I set her up with her cousin her own age and it taught her social skills. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry OP. We switched schools before COVID, then COVID. I know how hard it can be. Can you volunteer for recess to get a visual on which girls might be buddy candidates and the dynamics? Also, can try sending DD in with different pop it's and fidget toys or whatever. Maybe other kids might be interested in playing with those together. Come up too with play ideas at recess? Some kind of "club" like pop it club, or dance club.. |