Giving into whining when you're in the wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I wouldn't give in if it would make us late, but I would admit that I made a mistake, apologize, and be sure that we had it after dinner today. The whining would be irrelevant.

In another circumstance, when it would be possible to do the thing I promised, I would agree that I had promised but remind them to ask without whining. Once they did, I would do it.

Same.

[Anonymous]

"I'm sorry I can't understand what you are saying when you whine. We need to get going NOW - so lets go!"

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:
I would not have given the dessert if it would have made me late - I detest being late. I detest whining. Perhaps my kids were never the whining sort, or I nipped it in the bud ferociously enough, but it was never a problem. My kids know they can ask for many favors, and that I'll bend over backwards to make their lives pleasant. However when I say NO, it means no. There's no pushback when they see I'm in *that* mood. So far we haven't had a problem with this dynamic, and my kids are 11 and 16

Why is it more important that “no means no” instead of forgetting to provide something you said you would? To me you’re not reliable unless it’s both. Everyone forget and makes mistakes, but a trustworthy person would try to make up for forgetting a promise.

PP you replied to. I don't see it that way. I will provide the dessert, I will apologize (wasn't that obvious in my response?), but what's more important is that my children understand life gets in the way, and that their needs don't trump other people's. If we need to get somewhere, we will drop everything to get there. Dessert comes afterward.

And there is absolutely no whining in my house, otherwise all bets are off (but that was never an issue).

I have a great relationship of trust with my now tween and teen, so apparently my method has worked all these years.

Hmm not that wasn't clear from your post - you just said you wouldn't give them the dessert. And that no means no in your house. But now you say you would apologize and provide the dessert, so....
I agree, kids need to learn that sometimes life is disappointing and things we want don't happen. But it sounds like OP was just being flakey, to be honest. She did the equivalent of promising to bring dessert to a dinner party, not bringing it, and then just being like "why are you mad at me??? I forgot!!!!" That's not a very good lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm sorry I can't understand what you are saying when you whine. We need to get going NOW - so lets go!"

Wow, you’re not a shrew!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'm sorry I can't understand what you are saying when you whine. We need to get going NOW - so lets go!"

Wow, you’re not a shrew!!!!

Once in the car my ears would magical be fluent in whine. I would acknowledge I forgot, and with excitement offer a backwards dinner where we started with eating dessert first.

[Anonymous]

Totally understand how you feel. No worries - it happens to everyone. I think kids can learn from situations like this because they learn that everyone makes mistakes. I know it's hard to be calm when they are angry and whining, but a good approach might be to offer some realistic options based on the new situation.

"Oh no! We forgot about dessert. We were going to do that after lunch, you're right. Look, now it is 1, and we need to be at Sally's house at 1:30, so we don't have time for dessert like we had planned.

You can choose - Do you want to eat [a simple, not messy dessert that might not be super desirable] in the car on the way, or do you want to wait and eat [ice cream/cake/whatever it was they wanted that cannot transport in the car] after dinner?"

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So I told my kids they could have a dessert I made after lunch today.
Lunch happened, I got distracted and now we need to leave the house for an afternoon engagement, and older DD (5) started whining because she remembered that we didn't have it, and I said after lunch! Whining, of course.
I told her, no, after dinner. She started saying "but you said, and now we won't it!" I started getting angry but she's right - I told her they could have it, and didn't give it to them - it's entirely on me.
I gave in, and angrily gave them the dessert. Now we're running late and I feel like a terrible mom for 1) forgetting my promise, 2) getting angry about it, 3) caving in to disgusting level of whining, 4) getting angry while doing that. And my husband heard all this, since he's WFH upstairs.

A part of it is they've been kind of whiny all day and won't leave me alone for more than a few minutes, and I can't get myself together and everything's a literal and figurative mess.
Sorry, not looking for advice, just a rant.

Instead of lying. Just say you know what.. Im sorry. I forgot to make it. Mommies arent perfect, no matter how much I try. I know you are disappointed. My brain is full of lots of things right now and thats not fair because I told you I would make dessert. I cant make dessert now but I can make dessert when I get home. Since I forgot you can choose- we can have dessert before dinner or after dinner!

I'm the OP. It was already made and in the fridge. It was just about giving it to them. It's just messy and I didn't want to give it to them 5 seconds before getting into the car.... but I did, and my counterpart ended up being late so oh well.... But the whining is a challenge, and I hate giving in to it. I try not to, but I feel like I lose ground every time I do in a moment of weakness or frustration.

I really like Dr.Siggie. She has a whining section on her IG. https://www.instagram.com/dr.siggie/
Dr.BeckyatGoodinside had a recent post about whining too

Why do our kids whine? Hear me out on a few ideas:

* Kids whine because they're feeling helpless.*

Whining is a sign of desire + powerlessness, and there’s not much harder than feeling those two things together. Confession: I whine under these conditions too. I remember when I showed up to a coffee shop a few minutes before opening; I was desperate for a coffee but also cutting it close for my first morning meeting. The manager said, “We’re not open” and I whined, “Pleeeeease?” I felt desperate and powerless.

* Kids whine because they’re looking for connection.*

Kids often feel alone and unseen in their desires when they’re whining. Of course, our job as parents is to make decisions that we feel are right for our kids even when they protest; but this doesn’t preclude us from understanding and connecting. Connect with humor (“Oh no, the whines snuck in again!”), connect with validation (“I know you want this so badly.”), connect with permission (You’re allowed to not like my decision.”), connect with hugs, connect with generosity (restate the request without requiring your child to do the same).

* Kids whine because they’re looking for a release.*

The other day at lunch, my son whined for a grilled cheese cut into pieces, no actually whole, warm water and cold water, apples, no actually strawberries. So many whines. At one point, I paused and thought, “Huh. My son is actually asking me to hold a boundary so he can let out some feelings. He’s whining and being so unreasonable as a way of saying to me, “Mommy, be firm, provide a sturdy container for me. I need a good cry.” I stopped trying to make things better and just said, “These are our food choices today. Nothing feels good, huh? Nothing feels like you want it to.” He screamed, protested, and cried. He needed it.

And if you’re thinking right now, “Huh. I definitely don’t do this”... you’re still a good parent. I truly created this post because I needed to ground myself in a better response to my own kids… I knew I needed a response other than the “Stop whining!!” I kept screaming. We’re in this together.

I think the biggest thing with whining is seeing it as a reaction to something not as its own behavior. Most kids dont whine in isolation.

Oh please. The whine because they want something. Teenagers whine all the time.

Well, the overall point is correct IMO.

Think about the fact that language is an evolutionary accomplishment and how kids develop language is part of that. Kids are wired to use that whiny sound and we are wired to not be able to ignore it. Evolution-wise, that's a win.

We are taught that the ideal way to respond to whining is with exaggerated kindness: I understand that you feel upset because this isn’t going the way you wanted it to. That must be frustrating. The resulting disparity between the emotion we feel and the expression we deliver seems emblematic of parenting, where so much of our energy goes toward battling our instincts in order to do that which is right. Needless to say, we fail at this quite often, and so our first response to whining is, not infrequently, “Stop whining,” a phrase that has never, in the history of human parenting, stopped whining.

Whining is the sound of the devil’s nails on hell’s chalkboard.

It is the resolute unfairness of the universe that is, most often, the true subject of the whine. Not this vegetable or that homework assignment. That we live in a world in which all cannot be as we want it to be. Parents, for the most part, have grimly come to terms with this truism. Through hard experience, we have learned that asking will not make most things better. Viewed in this light, whining is an act of optimism. We think a child does not understand—but in fact, she does not believe, does not yet believe, that some unfairness cannot be remedied, and some injustices have no hope of redress.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/09/on-whining-how-to-be-a-family.html

That last bit is really quite beautiful. I'm going to try to keep that in my head during our child's next "whine tasting" event.