Reply to Giving into whining when you're in the wrong?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So I told my kids they could have a dessert I made after lunch today.
Lunch happened, I got distracted and now we need to leave the house for an afternoon engagement, and older DD (5) started whining because she remembered that we didn't have it, and I said after lunch! Whining, of course.
I told her, no, after dinner. She started saying "but you said, and now we won't it!" I started getting angry but she's right - I told her they could have it, and didn't give it to them - it's entirely on me.
I gave in, and angrily gave them the dessert. Now we're running late and I feel like a terrible mom for 1) forgetting my promise, 2) getting angry about it, 3) caving in to disgusting level of whining, 4) getting angry while doing that. And my husband heard all this, since he's WFH upstairs.

A part of it is they've been kind of whiny all day and won't leave me alone for more than a few minutes, and I can't get myself together and everything's a literal and figurative mess.
Sorry, not looking for advice, just a rant. [/quote]

Instead of lying. Just say you know what.. Im sorry. I forgot to make it. Mommies arent perfect, no matter how much I try. I know you are disappointed. My brain is full of lots of things right now and thats not fair because I told you I would make dessert. I cant make dessert now but I can make dessert when I get home. Since I forgot you can choose- we can have dessert before dinner or after dinner!

[/quote]

I'm the OP. It was already made and in the fridge. It was just about giving it to them. It's just messy and I didn't want to give it to them 5 seconds before getting into the car.... but I did, and my counterpart ended up being late so oh well.... But the whining is a challenge, and I hate giving in to it. I try not to, but I feel like I lose ground every time I do in a moment of weakness or frustration. [/quote]

I really like Dr.Siggie. She has a whining section on her IG. https://www.instagram.com/dr.siggie/
Dr.BeckyatGoodinside had a recent post about whining too

Why do our kids whine? Hear me out on a few ideas:

* Kids whine because they're feeling helpless.*

Whining is a sign of desire + powerlessness, and there’s not much harder than feeling those two things together. Confession: I whine under these conditions too. I remember when I showed up to a coffee shop a few minutes before opening; I was desperate for a coffee but also cutting it close for my first morning meeting. The manager said, “We’re not open” and I whined, “Pleeeeease?” I felt desperate and powerless.

* Kids whine because they’re looking for connection.*

Kids often feel alone and unseen in their desires when they’re whining. Of course, our job as parents is to make decisions that we feel are right for our kids even when they protest; but this doesn’t preclude us from understanding and connecting. Connect with humor (“Oh no, the whines snuck in again!”), connect with validation (“I know you want this so badly.”), connect with permission (You’re allowed to not like my decision.”), connect with hugs, connect with generosity (restate the request without requiring your child to do the same).

* Kids whine because they’re looking for a release.*

The other day at lunch, my son whined for a grilled cheese cut into pieces, no actually whole, warm water and cold water, apples, no actually strawberries. So many whines. At one point, I paused and thought, “Huh. My son is actually asking me to hold a boundary so he can let out some feelings. He’s whining and being so unreasonable as a way of saying to me, “Mommy, be firm, provide a sturdy container for me. I need a good cry.” I stopped trying to make things better and just said, “These are our food choices today. Nothing feels good, huh? Nothing feels like you want it to.” He screamed, protested, and cried. He needed it.

And if you’re thinking right now, “Huh. I definitely don’t do this”... you’re still a good parent. I truly created this post because I needed to ground myself in a better response to my own kids… I knew I needed a response other than the “Stop whining!!” I kept screaming. We’re in this together.

I think the biggest thing with whining is seeing it as a reaction to something not as its own behavior. Most kids dont whine in isolation. [/quote]

Oh please. The whine because they want something. Teenagers whine all the time.[/quote]

Well, the overall point is correct IMO.

Think about the fact that language is an evolutionary accomplishment and how kids develop language is part of that. Kids are wired to use that whiny sound and we are wired to not be able to ignore it. Evolution-wise, that's a win.

[quote]We are taught that the ideal way to respond to whining is with exaggerated kindness: I understand that you feel upset because this isn’t going the way you wanted it to. That must be frustrating. The resulting disparity between the emotion we feel and the expression we deliver seems emblematic of parenting, where so much of our energy goes toward battling our instincts in order to do that which is right. Needless to say, we fail at this quite often, and so our first response to whining is, not infrequently, “Stop whining,” a phrase that has never, in the history of human parenting, stopped whining.

Whining is the sound of the devil’s nails on hell’s chalkboard.

It is the resolute unfairness of the universe that is, most often, the true subject of the whine. Not this vegetable or that homework assignment. That we live in a world in which all cannot be as we want it to be. Parents, for the most part, have grimly come to terms with this truism. Through hard experience, we have learned that asking will not make most things better. Viewed in this light, whining is an act of optimism. We think a child does not understand—but in fact, she does not believe, does not yet believe, that some unfairness cannot be remedied, and some injustices have no hope of redress.[/quote]

[url]https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/09/on-whining-how-to-be-a-family.html[/url]
[/quote]

That last bit is really quite beautiful.  I'm going to try to keep that in my head during our child's next "whine tasting" event.[/quote]

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