Giving into whining when you're in the wrong?

[Anonymous]

So I told my kids they could have a dessert I made after lunch today.
Lunch happened, I got distracted and now we need to leave the house for an afternoon engagement, and older DD (5) started whining because she remembered that we didn't have it, and I said after lunch! Whining, of course.
I told her, no, after dinner. She started saying "but you said, and now we won't it!" I started getting angry but she's right - I told her they could have it, and didn't give it to them - it's entirely on me.
I gave in, and angrily gave them the dessert. Now we're running late and I feel like a terrible mom for 1) forgetting my promise, 2) getting angry about it, 3) caving in to disgusting level of whining, 4) getting angry while doing that. And my husband heard all this, since he's WFH upstairs.

A part of it is they've been kind of whiny all day and won't leave me alone for more than a few minutes, and I can't get myself together and everything's a literal and figurative mess.
Sorry, not looking for advice, just a rant.

[Anonymous]

I never know what to do in these situations, but for me it's more when they are whining but it's a pointless fight. Do I give in to the whining, thus teaching them whining works? Or do I stand my ground and make a battle out of the most pointless, idiotic thing?

[Anonymous]

I would not have given the dessert if it would have made me late - I detest being late. I detest whining. Perhaps my kids were never the whining sort, or I nipped it in the bud ferociously enough, but it was never a problem. My kids know they can ask for many favors, and that I'll bend over backwards to make their lives pleasant. However when I say NO, it means no. There's no pushback when they see I'm in *that* mood. So far we haven't had a problem with this dynamic, and my kids are 11 and 16

[Anonymous]

Don't beat yourself up over it, OP. Kudos to you for recognizing and admitting you messed up! It doesn't hurt our kids to learn that we're all human and all screw up at times. Look at it this way: your daughter advocated for herself successfully. Sure, whining is annoying. But all kids whine sometimes, just like adults. And as a woman I gotta say, learning how to be a squeaky wheel to get what she's owed is not going to be a bad life skill to have.

Hang in there. The constant clinginess is a hard phase but it'll pass and someday everyone will be a functional adult who understands the need to give others, including their parents, space...or so I keep telling myself! You're doing great.

[Anonymous]

“You’re right, but whining is forbidden. Ask nicely.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“You’re right, but whining is forbidden. Ask nicely.”

+1. I'd make mine ask without whining, but would honor my previous promise. Unless she was being a particular jerk about it, then I'd say no because of that behavior I changed my mind because it's not okay to be rude and demand. She can ask again tomorrow when she can remember to be kind about it.

[Anonymous]

No, I wouldn't give in if it would make us late, but I would admit that I made a mistake, apologize, and be sure that we had it after dinner today. The whining would be irrelevant.

In another circumstance, when it would be possible to do the thing I promised, I would agree that I had promised but remind them to ask without whining. Once they did, I would do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I wouldn't give in if it would make us late, but I would admit that I made a mistake, apologize, and be sure that we had it after dinner today. The whining would be irrelevant.

In another circumstance, when it would be possible to do the thing I promised, I would agree that I had promised but remind them to ask without whining. Once they did, I would do it.

+1

I would not have done the dessert if we were going to be late somewhere. I would promise (and deliver) it after dinner, and if they whined about that, I’d tell them it was after dinner or never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“You’re right, but whining is forbidden. Ask nicely.”

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I told my kids they could have a dessert I made after lunch today.
Lunch happened, I got distracted and now we need to leave the house for an afternoon engagement, and older DD (5) started whining because she remembered that we didn't have it, and I said after lunch! Whining, of course.
I told her, no, after dinner. She started saying "but you said, and now we won't it!" I started getting angry but she's right - I told her they could have it, and didn't give it to them - it's entirely on me.
I gave in, and angrily gave them the dessert. Now we're running late and I feel like a terrible mom for 1) forgetting my promise, 2) getting angry about it, 3) caving in to disgusting level of whining, 4) getting angry while doing that. And my husband heard all this, since he's WFH upstairs.

A part of it is they've been kind of whiny all day and won't leave me alone for more than a few minutes, and I can't get myself together and everything's a literal and figurative mess.
Sorry, not looking for advice, just a rant.

Instead of lying. Just say you know what.. Im sorry. I forgot to make it. Mommies arent perfect, no matter how much I try. I know you are disappointed. My brain is full of lots of things right now and thats not fair because I told you I would make dessert. I cant make dessert now but I can make dessert when I get home. Since I forgot you can choose- we can have dessert before dinner or after dinner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I told my kids they could have a dessert I made after lunch today.
Lunch happened, I got distracted and now we need to leave the house for an afternoon engagement, and older DD (5) started whining because she remembered that we didn't have it, and I said after lunch! Whining, of course.
I told her, no, after dinner. She started saying "but you said, and now we won't it!" I started getting angry but she's right - I told her they could have it, and didn't give it to them - it's entirely on me.
I gave in, and angrily gave them the dessert. Now we're running late and I feel like a terrible mom for 1) forgetting my promise, 2) getting angry about it, 3) caving in to disgusting level of whining, 4) getting angry while doing that. And my husband heard all this, since he's WFH upstairs.

A part of it is they've been kind of whiny all day and won't leave me alone for more than a few minutes, and I can't get myself together and everything's a literal and figurative mess.
Sorry, not looking for advice, just a rant.

Instead of lying. Just say you know what.. Im sorry. I forgot to make it. Mommies arent perfect, no matter how much I try. I know you are disappointed. My brain is full of lots of things right now and thats not fair because I told you I would make dessert. I cant make dessert now but I can make dessert when I get home. Since I forgot you can choose- we can have dessert before dinner or after dinner!

I'm the OP. It was already made and in the fridge. It was just about giving it to them. It's just messy and I didn't want to give it to them 5 seconds before getting into the car.... but I did, and my counterpart ended up being late so oh well.... But the whining is a challenge, and I hate giving in to it. I try not to, but I feel like I lose ground every time I do in a moment of weakness or frustration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I wouldn't give in if it would make us late, but I would admit that I made a mistake, apologize, and be sure that we had it after dinner today. The whining would be irrelevant.

In another circumstance, when it would be possible to do the thing I promised, I would agree that I had promised but remind them to ask without whining. Once they did, I would do it.

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Dinner IS after lunch. So if they eat the treat after dinner then technically they are eating it after lunch.

[Anonymous]

I've been there, op. It's hard. But I think it's okay for kids to understand that they aren't always going to get what is promised or expected in the moment. It happens all the time in real life. If they can't handle it when mom accidentally forgets, how are they going to handle it when a play date's mom does it? A teacher? A coach? I'm not saying you should do this on purpose, but if it doesn't happen often; you need to admit it, explain it, and move on. Also you can model the non -whining voice.

In a sympathetic but firm voice:
"I promised you the mud pie. It's now too late for the mud pie, I am sorry but we have to go." Kid whines and fusses. "You can be sad. I am upset too because I love mud pie, but right now we have to go. If you are calm about it and ask if we can have it when we are back from X then we can, but if you whine or cry we will have it tomorrow" and then stick to your promise. Because if they whine and cry and you break---they'll just whine more next time knowing they can break you.

[Anonymous]

I think this thread made me realize I don’t really know what the definition of whining is.

Honestly, in this situation, I would’ve been like “you’re right, I’m sorry I forgot. Do you want [other tiny treat that won’t make us late]? We have to eat the mud pie later because I forgot.”