Giving into whining when you're in the wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would not have given the dessert if it would have made me late - I detest being late. I detest whining. Perhaps my kids were never the whining sort, or I nipped it in the bud ferociously enough, but it was never a problem. My kids know they can ask for many favors, and that I'll bend over backwards to make their lives pleasant. However when I say NO, it means no. There's no pushback when they see I'm in *that* mood. So far we haven't had a problem with this dynamic, and my kids are 11 and 16

Why is it more important that “no means no” instead of forgetting to provide something you said you would? To me you’re not reliable unless it’s both. Everyone forget and makes mistakes, but a trustworthy person would try to make up for forgetting a promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not have given the dessert if it would have made me late - I detest being late. I detest whining. Perhaps my kids were never the whining sort, or I nipped it in the bud ferociously enough, but it was never a problem. My kids know they can ask for many favors, and that I'll bend over backwards to make their lives pleasant. However when I say NO, it means no. There's no pushback when they see I'm in *that* mood. So far we haven't had a problem with this dynamic, and my kids are 11 and 16

Why is it more important that “no means no” instead of forgetting to provide something you said you would? To me you’re not reliable unless it’s both. Everyone forget and makes mistakes, but a trustworthy person would try to make up for forgetting a promise.

There are many other ways to show your kids that you are a trustworthy person than giving them a promised dessert that would make everyone late so your kid doesn't have a tantrum or "distrust you" when they're adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not have given the dessert if it would have made me late - I detest being late. I detest whining. Perhaps my kids were never the whining sort, or I nipped it in the bud ferociously enough, but it was never a problem. My kids know they can ask for many favors, and that I'll bend over backwards to make their lives pleasant. However when I say NO, it means no. There's no pushback when they see I'm in *that* mood. So far we haven't had a problem with this dynamic, and my kids are 11 and 16

Why is it more important that “no means no” instead of forgetting to provide something you said you would? To me you’re not reliable unless it’s both. Everyone forget and makes mistakes, but a trustworthy person would try to make up for forgetting a promise.

There are many other ways to show your kids that you are a trustworthy person than giving them a promised dessert that would make everyone late so your kid doesn't have a tantrum or "distrust you" when they're adults.

I don’t think you can promise your kids something, forget it, and then just shut them down with “no means no!” when they complain. Maybe learn not to promise messy desserts after lunch on a busy day? I just think people should keep their commitments, big or small. Even if it’s a “stupid dessert,” you promised and forgot - not cool.

[Anonymous]

this is what I would TRY to do
"I am so sorry you are right, I messed up. I forgot. We all mess up. I know you really want it right now, but we have to go or we will be late. I promise you an extra bite after dinner."

If whining persisted I would acknowledge, ask to restate as a request, and repeat.
After a while, I'd probably say "if you don't stop whining, then no desert for you at all." on repeat. and try to distract w/something else

But i don't know depending on what else is going on. don't beat yourself up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I told my kids they could have a dessert I made after lunch today.
Lunch happened, I got distracted and now we need to leave the house for an afternoon engagement, and older DD (5) started whining because she remembered that we didn't have it, and I said after lunch! Whining, of course.
I told her, no, after dinner. She started saying "but you said, and now we won't it!" I started getting angry but she's right - I told her they could have it, and didn't give it to them - it's entirely on me.
I gave in, and angrily gave them the dessert. Now we're running late and I feel like a terrible mom for 1) forgetting my promise, 2) getting angry about it, 3) caving in to disgusting level of whining, 4) getting angry while doing that. And my husband heard all this, since he's WFH upstairs.

A part of it is they've been kind of whiny all day and won't leave me alone for more than a few minutes, and I can't get myself together and everything's a literal and figurative mess.
Sorry, not looking for advice, just a rant.

Instead of lying. Just say you know what.. Im sorry. I forgot to make it. Mommies arent perfect, no matter how much I try. I know you are disappointed. My brain is full of lots of things right now and thats not fair because I told you I would make dessert. I cant make dessert now but I can make dessert when I get home. Since I forgot you can choose- we can have dessert before dinner or after dinner!

I'm the OP. It was already made and in the fridge. It was just about giving it to them. It's just messy and I didn't want to give it to them 5 seconds before getting into the car.... but I did, and my counterpart ended up being late so oh well.... But the whining is a challenge, and I hate giving in to it. I try not to, but I feel like I lose ground every time I do in a moment of weakness or frustration.

I really like Dr.Siggie. She has a whining section on her IG. https://www.instagram.com/dr.siggie/
Dr.BeckyatGoodinside had a recent post about whining too

Why do our kids whine? Hear me out on a few ideas:

* Kids whine because they're feeling helpless.*

Whining is a sign of desire + powerlessness, and there’s not much harder than feeling those two things together. Confession: I whine under these conditions too. I remember when I showed up to a coffee shop a few minutes before opening; I was desperate for a coffee but also cutting it close for my first morning meeting. The manager said, “We’re not open” and I whined, “Pleeeeease?” I felt desperate and powerless.

* Kids whine because they’re looking for connection.*

Kids often feel alone and unseen in their desires when they’re whining. Of course, our job as parents is to make decisions that we feel are right for our kids even when they protest; but this doesn’t preclude us from understanding and connecting. Connect with humor (“Oh no, the whines snuck in again!”), connect with validation (“I know you want this so badly.”), connect with permission (You’re allowed to not like my decision.”), connect with hugs, connect with generosity (restate the request without requiring your child to do the same).

* Kids whine because they’re looking for a release.*

The other day at lunch, my son whined for a grilled cheese cut into pieces, no actually whole, warm water and cold water, apples, no actually strawberries. So many whines. At one point, I paused and thought, “Huh. My son is actually asking me to hold a boundary so he can let out some feelings. He’s whining and being so unreasonable as a way of saying to me, “Mommy, be firm, provide a sturdy container for me. I need a good cry.” I stopped trying to make things better and just said, “These are our food choices today. Nothing feels good, huh? Nothing feels like you want it to.” He screamed, protested, and cried. He needed it.

And if you’re thinking right now, “Huh. I definitely don’t do this”... you’re still a good parent. I truly created this post because I needed to ground myself in a better response to my own kids… I knew I needed a response other than the “Stop whining!!” I kept screaming. We’re in this together.

I think the biggest thing with whining is seeing it as a reaction to something not as its own behavior. Most kids dont whine in isolation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not have given the dessert if it would have made me late - I detest being late. I detest whining. Perhaps my kids were never the whining sort, or I nipped it in the bud ferociously enough, but it was never a problem. My kids know they can ask for many favors, and that I'll bend over backwards to make their lives pleasant. However when I say NO, it means no. There's no pushback when they see I'm in *that* mood. So far we haven't had a problem with this dynamic, and my kids are 11 and 16

Why is it more important that “no means no” instead of forgetting to provide something you said you would? To me you’re not reliable unless it’s both. Everyone forget and makes mistakes, but a trustworthy person would try to make up for forgetting a promise.

PP you replied to. I don't see it that way. I will provide the dessert, I will apologize (wasn't that obvious in my response?), but what's more important is that my children understand life gets in the way, and that their needs don't trump other people's. If we need to get somewhere, we will drop everything to get there. Dessert comes afterward.

And there is absolutely no whining in my house, otherwise all bets are off (but that was never an issue).

I have a great relationship of trust with my now tween and teen, so apparently my method has worked all these years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I told my kids they could have a dessert I made after lunch today.
Lunch happened, I got distracted and now we need to leave the house for an afternoon engagement, and older DD (5) started whining because she remembered that we didn't have it, and I said after lunch! Whining, of course.
I told her, no, after dinner. She started saying "but you said, and now we won't it!" I started getting angry but she's right - I told her they could have it, and didn't give it to them - it's entirely on me.
I gave in, and angrily gave them the dessert. Now we're running late and I feel like a terrible mom for 1) forgetting my promise, 2) getting angry about it, 3) caving in to disgusting level of whining, 4) getting angry while doing that. And my husband heard all this, since he's WFH upstairs.

A part of it is they've been kind of whiny all day and won't leave me alone for more than a few minutes, and I can't get myself together and everything's a literal and figurative mess.
Sorry, not looking for advice, just a rant.

Instead of lying. Just say you know what.. Im sorry. I forgot to make it. Mommies arent perfect, no matter how much I try. I know you are disappointed. My brain is full of lots of things right now and thats not fair because I told you I would make dessert. I cant make dessert now but I can make dessert when I get home. Since I forgot you can choose- we can have dessert before dinner or after dinner!

so many words

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I told my kids they could have a dessert I made after lunch today.
Lunch happened, I got distracted and now we need to leave the house for an afternoon engagement, and older DD (5) started whining because she remembered that we didn't have it, and I said after lunch! Whining, of course.
I told her, no, after dinner. She started saying "but you said, and now we won't it!" I started getting angry but she's right - I told her they could have it, and didn't give it to them - it's entirely on me.
I gave in, and angrily gave them the dessert. Now we're running late and I feel like a terrible mom for 1) forgetting my promise, 2) getting angry about it, 3) caving in to disgusting level of whining, 4) getting angry while doing that. And my husband heard all this, since he's WFH upstairs.

A part of it is they've been kind of whiny all day and won't leave me alone for more than a few minutes, and I can't get myself together and everything's a literal and figurative mess.
Sorry, not looking for advice, just a rant.

Instead of lying. Just say you know what.. Im sorry. I forgot to make it. Mommies arent perfect, no matter how much I try. I know you are disappointed. My brain is full of lots of things right now and thats not fair because I told you I would make dessert. I cant make dessert now but I can make dessert when I get home. Since I forgot you can choose- we can have dessert before dinner or after dinner!

I'm the OP. It was already made and in the fridge. It was just about giving it to them. It's just messy and I didn't want to give it to them 5 seconds before getting into the car.... but I did, and my counterpart ended up being late so oh well.... But the whining is a challenge, and I hate giving in to it. I try not to, but I feel like I lose ground every time I do in a moment of weakness or frustration.

I really like Dr.Siggie. She has a whining section on her IG. https://www.instagram.com/dr.siggie/
Dr.BeckyatGoodinside had a recent post about whining too

Why do our kids whine? Hear me out on a few ideas:

* Kids whine because they're feeling helpless.*

Whining is a sign of desire + powerlessness, and there’s not much harder than feeling those two things together. Confession: I whine under these conditions too. I remember when I showed up to a coffee shop a few minutes before opening; I was desperate for a coffee but also cutting it close for my first morning meeting. The manager said, “We’re not open” and I whined, “Pleeeeease?” I felt desperate and powerless.

* Kids whine because they’re looking for connection.*

Kids often feel alone and unseen in their desires when they’re whining. Of course, our job as parents is to make decisions that we feel are right for our kids even when they protest; but this doesn’t preclude us from understanding and connecting. Connect with humor (“Oh no, the whines snuck in again!”), connect with validation (“I know you want this so badly.”), connect with permission (You’re allowed to not like my decision.”), connect with hugs, connect with generosity (restate the request without requiring your child to do the same).

* Kids whine because they’re looking for a release.*

The other day at lunch, my son whined for a grilled cheese cut into pieces, no actually whole, warm water and cold water, apples, no actually strawberries. So many whines. At one point, I paused and thought, “Huh. My son is actually asking me to hold a boundary so he can let out some feelings. He’s whining and being so unreasonable as a way of saying to me, “Mommy, be firm, provide a sturdy container for me. I need a good cry.” I stopped trying to make things better and just said, “These are our food choices today. Nothing feels good, huh? Nothing feels like you want it to.” He screamed, protested, and cried. He needed it.

And if you’re thinking right now, “Huh. I definitely don’t do this”... you’re still a good parent. I truly created this post because I needed to ground myself in a better response to my own kids… I knew I needed a response other than the “Stop whining!!” I kept screaming. We’re in this together.

I think the biggest thing with whining is seeing it as a reaction to something not as its own behavior. Most kids dont whine in isolation.

Oh please. The whine because they want something. Teenagers whine all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I told my kids they could have a dessert I made after lunch today.
Lunch happened, I got distracted and now we need to leave the house for an afternoon engagement, and older DD (5) started whining because she remembered that we didn't have it, and I said after lunch! Whining, of course.
I told her, no, after dinner. She started saying "but you said, and now we won't it!" I started getting angry but she's right - I told her they could have it, and didn't give it to them - it's entirely on me.
I gave in, and angrily gave them the dessert. Now we're running late and I feel like a terrible mom for 1) forgetting my promise, 2) getting angry about it, 3) caving in to disgusting level of whining, 4) getting angry while doing that. And my husband heard all this, since he's WFH upstairs.

A part of it is they've been kind of whiny all day and won't leave me alone for more than a few minutes, and I can't get myself together and everything's a literal and figurative mess.
Sorry, not looking for advice, just a rant.

Instead of lying. Just say you know what.. Im sorry. I forgot to make it. Mommies arent perfect, no matter how much I try. I know you are disappointed. My brain is full of lots of things right now and thats not fair because I told you I would make dessert. I cant make dessert now but I can make dessert when I get home. Since I forgot you can choose- we can have dessert before dinner or after dinner!

I'm the OP. It was already made and in the fridge. It was just about giving it to them. It's just messy and I didn't want to give it to them 5 seconds before getting into the car.... but I did, and my counterpart ended up being late so oh well.... But the whining is a challenge, and I hate giving in to it. I try not to, but I feel like I lose ground every time I do in a moment of weakness or frustration.

I really like Dr.Siggie. She has a whining section on her IG. https://www.instagram.com/dr.siggie/
Dr.BeckyatGoodinside had a recent post about whining too

Why do our kids whine? Hear me out on a few ideas:

* Kids whine because they're feeling helpless.*

Whining is a sign of desire + powerlessness, and there’s not much harder than feeling those two things together. Confession: I whine under these conditions too. I remember when I showed up to a coffee shop a few minutes before opening; I was desperate for a coffee but also cutting it close for my first morning meeting. The manager said, “We’re not open” and I whined, “Pleeeeease?” I felt desperate and powerless.

* Kids whine because they’re looking for connection.*

Kids often feel alone and unseen in their desires when they’re whining. Of course, our job as parents is to make decisions that we feel are right for our kids even when they protest; but this doesn’t preclude us from understanding and connecting. Connect with humor (“Oh no, the whines snuck in again!”), connect with validation (“I know you want this so badly.”), connect with permission (You’re allowed to not like my decision.”), connect with hugs, connect with generosity (restate the request without requiring your child to do the same).

* Kids whine because they’re looking for a release.*

The other day at lunch, my son whined for a grilled cheese cut into pieces, no actually whole, warm water and cold water, apples, no actually strawberries. So many whines. At one point, I paused and thought, “Huh. My son is actually asking me to hold a boundary so he can let out some feelings. He’s whining and being so unreasonable as a way of saying to me, “Mommy, be firm, provide a sturdy container for me. I need a good cry.” I stopped trying to make things better and just said, “These are our food choices today. Nothing feels good, huh? Nothing feels like you want it to.” He screamed, protested, and cried. He needed it.

And if you’re thinking right now, “Huh. I definitely don’t do this”... you’re still a good parent. I truly created this post because I needed to ground myself in a better response to my own kids… I knew I needed a response other than the “Stop whining!!” I kept screaming. We’re in this together.

I think the biggest thing with whining is seeing it as a reaction to something not as its own behavior. Most kids dont whine in isolation.

Oh please. The whine because they want something. Teenagers whine all the time.

Well, the overall point is correct IMO.

Think about the fact that language is an evolutionary accomplishment and how kids develop language is part of that. Kids are wired to use that whiny sound and we are wired to not be able to ignore it. Evolution-wise, that's a win.

We are taught that the ideal way to respond to whining is with exaggerated kindness: I understand that you feel upset because this isn’t going the way you wanted it to. That must be frustrating. The resulting disparity between the emotion we feel and the expression we deliver seems emblematic of parenting, where so much of our energy goes toward battling our instincts in order to do that which is right. Needless to say, we fail at this quite often, and so our first response to whining is, not infrequently, “Stop whining,” a phrase that has never, in the history of human parenting, stopped whining.

Whining is the sound of the devil’s nails on hell’s chalkboard.

It is the resolute unfairness of the universe that is, most often, the true subject of the whine. Not this vegetable or that homework assignment. That we live in a world in which all cannot be as we want it to be. Parents, for the most part, have grimly come to terms with this truism. Through hard experience, we have learned that asking will not make most things better. Viewed in this light, whining is an act of optimism. We think a child does not understand—but in fact, she does not believe, does not yet believe, that some unfairness cannot be remedied, and some injustices have no hope of redress.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/09/on-whining-how-to-be-a-family.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not have given the dessert if it would have made me late - I detest being late. I detest whining. Perhaps my kids were never the whining sort, or I nipped it in the bud ferociously enough, but it was never a problem. My kids know they can ask for many favors, and that I'll bend over backwards to make their lives pleasant. However when I say NO, it means no. There's no pushback when they see I'm in *that* mood. So far we haven't had a problem with this dynamic, and my kids are 11 and 16

Why is it more important that “no means no” instead of forgetting to provide something you said you would? To me you’re not reliable unless it’s both. Everyone forget and makes mistakes, but a trustworthy person would try to make up for forgetting a promise.

PP you replied to. I don't see it that way. I will provide the dessert, I will apologize (wasn't that obvious in my response?), but what's more important is that my children understand life gets in the way, and that their needs don't trump other people's. If we need to get somewhere, we will drop everything to get there. Dessert comes afterward.

And there is absolutely no whining in my house, otherwise all bets are off (but that was never an issue).

I have a great relationship of trust with my now tween and teen, so apparently my method has worked all these years.

DP. I’m ok with your approach, it’s actually good, but it’s the type of thing you need to be careful to not abuse. I see parents who use “parents are human” and “life gets in the way” as excuses to suck(not talking about you nor the OP), and this is what will trigger some posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I told my kids they could have a dessert I made after lunch today.
Lunch happened, I got distracted and now we need to leave the house for an afternoon engagement, and older DD (5) started whining because she remembered that we didn't have it, and I said after lunch! Whining, of course.
I told her, no, after dinner. She started saying "but you said, and now we won't it!" I started getting angry but she's right - I told her they could have it, and didn't give it to them - it's entirely on me.
I gave in, and angrily gave them the dessert. Now we're running late and I feel like a terrible mom for 1) forgetting my promise, 2) getting angry about it, 3) caving in to disgusting level of whining, 4) getting angry while doing that. And my husband heard all this, since he's WFH upstairs.

A part of it is they've been kind of whiny all day and won't leave me alone for more than a few minutes, and I can't get myself together and everything's a literal and figurative mess.
Sorry, not looking for advice, just a rant.

If they don't remember, then they can wait until later. Whining does *not* get a reward, ever.

[Anonymous]

Whining earned my kids nothing.

Op, you were frazzled and in a hurry. Aim to handle things differently next time. "Ask without whining" was heard often in this house.

[Anonymous]

In these situations I acknowledge that I made a mistake and I will fix it, but we need to go now. I wouldn’t give in to the dessert.

At age 5 they’re old enough to understand that it’s time to go or you’re going to be late. I don’t know about you guys but my kids LOVE telling me when I did something wrong so I would validate their feelings A LOT and use it as a teaching moment.

Kid: “How could you forget your PROMISE?? That’s so unfair!”

Me: “You’re right. I did forget. I am very sorry. That was wrong.”

Kid: Whine, whine

Me: “How do you think I can fix this mistake?”

Kid: “Let me have dessert now!”

Me: “That doesn’t work because we need to be at soccer on time. One thing we can do is eat dessert right when we get home from soccer practice OR after dinner. Which one would you like better?”

We would be getting buckled up and out the door as usual but whenever they complained about it, I would calmly agree that yes, I had made a mistake and it didn’t feel good that I had forgotten a promise. It really takes the steam out of the whining when you acknowledge that their feelings are valid.. Ask for help fixing it. Ask them for ideas. Reiterate that it’s important to remember to do something when you say you’re going to do it. And say that when you make a mistake it’s important to try to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whining earned my kids nothing.

Op, you were frazzled and in a hurry. Aim to handle things differently next time. "Ask without whining" was heard often in this house.

This is stupid. They didn’t have enough to eat dessert so asking without whining would get them nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I told my kids they could have a dessert I made after lunch today.
Lunch happened, I got distracted and now we need to leave the house for an afternoon engagement, and older DD (5) started whining because she remembered that we didn't have it, and I said after lunch! Whining, of course.
I told her, no, after dinner. She started saying "but you said, and now we won't it!" I started getting angry but she's right - I told her they could have it, and didn't give it to them - it's entirely on me.
I gave in, and angrily gave them the dessert. Now we're running late and I feel like a terrible mom for 1) forgetting my promise, 2) getting angry about it, 3) caving in to disgusting level of whining, 4) getting angry while doing that. And my husband heard all this, since he's WFH upstairs.

A part of it is they've been kind of whiny all day and won't leave me alone for more than a few minutes, and I can't get myself together and everything's a literal and figurative mess.
Sorry, not looking for advice, just a rant.

If they don't remember, then they can wait until later. Whining does *not* get a reward, ever.

Except they did remember….

Do people really have such a hard time saying they were wrong and a quick “I’m sorry”??? I can see why your kids are stressed snd whining all the time.