Reply to Realistically, after 10+ years as a couple plus kids, what should a marriage be like?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Realistically, after 10+ years as a couple plus kids, what should a marriage be like?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would see a therapist. My therapist was really helpful in helping me see that a) all the complaints I had about my spouse were valid and b) my marriage was actually really good. I just learned a few techniques to improve things and it’s going really well. (This was actually relationship coaching which I never would have gone for but during our initial consultation that’s what she suggested, rather than psychotherapy.)[/quote]

Share the techniques you learned?[/quote]

Well, they might not be as useful for people who just happened to pick them up at some point in their lives, which it seems like a lot of people do. But it was really helpful for me, especially because my husband has a high need for control, is very pushy, has a strong personality, and has high expectations for himself and others. (But part of those high expectations for himself are being a good husband and person generally, so he can be self-reflective and work on himself.)

The most helpful thing I learned is a dialectical behavioral technique with the silliest acronym: Dear Man Give. Basically you describe the facts, you say how they made you feel, you describe what you want the other to do (or not do), and you reinforce your ask by telling it what's in it for them. You stick to facts and you give specifics. You don't attack, you don't make generalizations, you don't apologize for asking, you don't let the other sidetrack you, you give yourself permission to put the conversation on hold if one or both is getting overly emotional, etc. The idea is to give up the hope of showing the other person that you're right and focus on what you actually need and want, then go for that in an effective way.

There are lots of worksheets about this online with more specifics and troubleshooting ideas. But I have found doing it with a psychologist really helpful, because we can bounce around ideas. Sometimes it's hard to nail down exactly how you're feeling or exactly what you want.

Again maybe this is "duh" for some people, but for me it was a game-changer. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics