Do you apologize to your kids? Did your parents apologize to you?

[Anonymous]

I always try to apologize when I'm wrong, and if possible, try to do it when my other children are in the vicinity so they can hear it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I already replied in this thread that yes, I do apologize and I find myself doing so more frequently now that my oldest is a teen. My screw ups feel heavier all of a sudden.

But I’m also thinking a lot about how my own mom used to come knocking on my bedroom door to apologize occasionally, and how it weirdly exposed some weaknesses/vulnerabilities in her that I didn’t necessarily want to see as a kid/teen. My sense was that she was coming to me out of guilt, not respect. It was more about making herself feel better than anything. I don’t know, just a thought. I guess maybe there’s a right way and a wrong way to handle apologies, and it’s all very dependent on the existing dynamic in the relationship.

I'd like to hear more about your thoughts on this, as someone trying to make sure how i relate to my kids is based on their feelings and needs more than my own.

Not the PP, but I think it's about whether you are apologizing because you want your kid to absolve you or tell you what you did/said was okay or reassure you that you're a good mom or whatever. That's apologizing to satisfy your own needs and desires. You apologize because you did something wrong, and you want your kid to know that it was wrong and that they didn't deserve to be treated that way.

Another DP here and I love this whole line of thinking because it's so true, and it's something I see in adults too -- the need for absolution is more important than the needs of the harmed party.

I like what another PP said about apologizing from a place of strength. As in "I know I'm a loving parent, and it's not hard for me to admit I messed up because I have self-worth and admitting to this failure doesn't undermine that self-worth." I think when people apologize out of overwhelming guilt or because they need their kid to say "I forgive you, you're a good mom/dad" they are forcing their kids to prop up their sense of self. And yeah, that is an uncomfortable thing to see in a parent because that's way too much responsibility for a kid.

And I feel like I see parallels to some interactions I've had with adults around apologies. One that jumps to mind is a person who absolutely refused to apologize to me for a really long time (like years) and when they finally did, they were really angry with me when my reaction was just "Ok" instead of instantly forgiving them. It was so hard for them to admit they'd done something wrong and then when they finally did, they wanted their reward right away. I think many people just struggle with failure as a concept and worry that if they admit they failed at anything, then it's like admitting they are a terrible person. So people who resist apologizing are not that different than people who apologize solely to get forgiveness and not as a form of accountability.

[Anonymous]

I definitely apologize to my kids when I have done something wrong (generally raising my voice). I'm human, they're human, I think it's important to acknowledge when I have made a mistake.

My parents apologized to me, but in my-laws will not do so. To the point that we are no longer speaking to them because my FIL said some horrible things and both he and my MIL refuse to acknowledge that what he said was wrong. My husband is sick of it and has cut them off. I never want to be like that with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely, children need to not only learn to apologize, they need to see me model that and learn to accept and forgive.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely, I apologize to my kids (4 and 7) whenever needed, sometimes frequently. I think not doing so is pretty much gaslighting kids into thinking they are the issue in all the situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I do. I’m very open with them that everyone makes mistakes, even grownups. Even parents. Even me. No, my parents never apologized to me and it’s part of why I want to show them that.

+1. My parents never apologized or admitted when they did something wrong (though they often did do things wrong—yelled at us, cursed at us, called us names…never physically abused us but plenty of verbal and emotional abuse). I try really hard not to yell at my kids and I never ever curse at them or call them names. But I do apologize to my own kids anytime I raise my voice or act in any way they could possibly perceive as unkind or insensitive. I’m quick to admit when I make mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Yes I do.

[Anonymous]

My mom never apologized for anything. Just the opposite - if she ever made a mistake, she'd find a way to make it my fault and then she'd yell at me. For example, one time she rear-ended another car and later berated me for "distracting" her. Another time, I broke a bone in my foot and I was limping around for days before she decided to take me to the hospital. She yelled at me for being careless, and said it was my fault she didn't take me to the hospital promptly "because you are such a habitual liar I thought you were just faking it." She also frequently yelled at us and hit us. Maybe that was considered "good parenting" back then, and to this day she thinks she was a great mom.

Needless to say, I don't yell at my kids or hit them, and when I'm wrong, I apologize.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I apologize. No, my parents did not. My mother still does not; she says that if you emotionally hold onto things other people did to you, it’s your own fault and apologies don’t change anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I apologize. No, my parents did not. My mother still does not; she says that if you emotionally hold onto things other people did to you, it’s your own fault and apologies don’t change anything.

Same. In fact if I am upset and want an apology, my mom’s reaction is “how dare you expect me to lower myself this way, you want me to beg?”

[Anonymous]

Yes, I apologize to my kids. No, my parents didn’t apologize to me.

[Anonymous]

I do apologize to my kids. My parents didn't apologize to me, ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I apologize. No, my parents did not. My mother still does not; she says that if you emotionally hold onto things other people did to you, it’s your own fault and apologies don’t change anything.

Same. In fact if I am upset and want an apology, my mom’s reaction is “how dare you expect me to lower myself this way, you want me to beg?”

This makes me angry on your behalf, PP. I'm sorry.

I often just get exhausted thinking about how all my parents' terrible parenting is largely the byproduct of my grandparents' terrible parenting, and how even now as an adult who is working to break the chain of violence and abuse, I still have to deal with a lot of abusive and offensive behavior from my parents even now. And because I went through therapy and a lot of work on myself to understand what causes this behavior, I even understand that so much of it is just a maladaptive response to their own traumas. But I RESENT this knowledge sometimes. Like it makes me mad sometimes when my mom is being manipulative and passive aggressive and disrespecting ever boundary any of her children sets, and I have to acknowledge in my own head that the major reason she is like this is because her alcoholic parents beat her and neglected her and taught her nothing but shame, so now she acts out like you'd expect a child in an abusive home to act out. But she's not a child, she's my mom.

It just makes me very, very tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do, when warranted. I feel like it’s important to model the ability to assess my own behavior, recognize where I’ve failed my own or others’ expectations, and then course-correct. Those are all important life skills.

+1 Well said!

[Anonymous]

Not the PP, but I think it's about whether you are apologizing because you want your kid to absolve you or tell you what you did/said was okay or reassure you that you're a good mom or whatever. That's apologizing to satisfy your own needs and desires. You apologize because you did something wrong, and you want your kid to know that it was wrong and that they didn't deserve to be treated that way.

This is exactly the kind of "apology" my mom has offered to me a couple of times - "if there was anything bad I did when you were a kid, I'm sorry." It is totally obvious that she just wants to satisfy her own need for reassurance, and has no intention of thinking about anything specific she did that might have been bad. If I gave her any examples of such things, she would not show any contrition, she'd start defending and rationalizing her behavior. As that would only annoy me, I don't even want to go down that road. What's frustrating is she's such a narcissist she cannot even give a moment of careful thought to how her behavior hurt me.