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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I already replied in this thread that yes, I do apologize and I find myself doing so more frequently now that my oldest is a teen. My screw ups feel heavier all of a sudden.

But I’m also thinking a lot about how my own mom used to come knocking on my bedroom door to apologize occasionally, and how it weirdly exposed some weaknesses/vulnerabilities in her that I didn’t necessarily want to see as a kid/teen. My sense was that she was coming to me out of guilt, not respect. It was more about making herself feel better than anything. I don’t know, just a thought. I guess maybe there’s a right way and a wrong way to handle apologies, and it’s all very dependent on the existing dynamic in the relationship.[/quote]

I'd like to hear more about your thoughts on this, as someone trying to make sure how i relate to my kids is based on their feelings and needs more than my own. [/quote]

Not the PP, but I think it's about whether you are apologizing because you want your kid to absolve you or tell you what you did/said was okay or reassure you that you're a good mom or whatever.  That's apologizing to satisfy your own needs and desires.  You apologize because you did something wrong, and you want your kid to know that it was wrong and that they didn't deserve to be treated that way.  [/quote]

Another DP here and I love this whole line of thinking because it's so true, and it's something I see in adults too -- the need for absolution is more important than the needs of the harmed party.

I like what another PP said about apologizing from a place of strength. As in "I know I'm a loving parent, and it's not hard for me to admit I messed up because I have self-worth and admitting to this failure doesn't undermine that self-worth." I think when people apologize out of overwhelming guilt or because they need their kid to say "I forgive you, you're a good mom/dad" they are forcing their kids to prop up their sense of self. And yeah, that is an uncomfortable thing to see in a parent because that's way too much responsibility for a kid.

And I feel like I see parallels to some interactions I've had with adults around apologies. One that jumps to mind is a person who absolutely refused to apologize to me for a really long time (like years) and when they finally did, they were really angry with me when my reaction was just "Ok" instead of instantly forgiving them. It was so hard for them to admit they'd done something wrong and then when they finally did, they wanted their reward right away. I think many people just struggle with failure as a concept and worry that if they admit they failed at anything, then it's like admitting they are a terrible person. So people who resist apologizing are not that different than people who apologize solely to get forgiveness and not as a form of accountability.[/quote]

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