DS14 arranging his own social life - how much do I need to be involved?

[Anonymous]

I haven't been very involved since my kids hit middle school except to give/deny permission for major stuff (including asking questions as needed in order to decide). A little bit of driving & hosting in the middle school years, but they were figuring out even the transportation bit themselves by high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't been very involved since my kids hit middle school except to give/deny permission for major stuff (including asking questions as needed in order to decide). A little bit of driving & hosting in the middle school years, but they were figuring out even the transportation bit themselves by high school.

Wow, just wow. So, you refuse to drive and make other parents do all the work. There is probably a reason your kids needed to escape your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Explain to him what you expect him to do if there is drinking, vaping or pot.

Or discuss with him what he would do.

At 14 you tell him what to do. At 16 he should be able to tell you.

At 16, you still tell them what to do.

[Anonymous]

At 14, I wouldn’t exchange phone numbers with the parents for something like this if I didn’t have them already. It’s great he organized and leave it up to them. My son is the same age and I would tell him to call/text when he wants to be picked up but it has to be no later than a certain time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Explain to him what you expect him to do if there is drinking, vaping or pot.

Or discuss with him what he would do.

At 14 you tell him what to do. At 16 he should be able to tell you.

At 16, you still tell them what to do.

And neither will necessarily listen to you so you want to hear how they'd handle situations that will arise and hopefully give them some ways of handling them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids did their own socializing too, except, I make it a point to know the parents and have everyone's contact info. I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc.

We have a large friends network and we socialize a lot. My kids have grown up knowing how to host parties, make plans and be inclusive. This is very cultural for us.

So, in short, great that kids are socializing. However, you need to know who they are hanging out with and they need to know what is unacceptable.

No.

I’m happy to exchange info and be in friendly contact related to my kids but I don’t need to get to know you just because our teenage kids hang out. Too much. I have friends and my time is limited and valuable. No drinks or tea.

Whoa! What triggered you about my post? The bit about being hospitable and being able to provide tea to the parents of children your kid wants to hang out with? Really?

Well, I have a functional household and family. I am able to entertain guests and offer them tea or coffee without being hugely inconvenienced. Also, my kids are very important to me and I will do my due diligence as a parent even if requires some effort on my part.

Often I can spend some time with the parents and I can figure out who they are and what kind of kids they will have. Just by your post I have understood that you are the kind of parent who will be derelict in your parental duties in the guise of delegating responsibilities.

You say you want to be in "friendly contact" with the parents, but how can you do that if you are incapable of offering even a hot beverage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids did their own socializing too, except, I make it a point to know the parents and have everyone's contact info. I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc.

We have a large friends network and we socialize a lot. My kids have grown up knowing how to host parties, make plans and be inclusive. This is very cultural for us.

So, in short, great that kids are socializing. However, you need to know who they are hanging out with and they need to know what is unacceptable.

No.

I’m happy to exchange info and be in friendly contact related to my kids but I don’t need to get to know you just because our teenage kids hang out. Too much. I have friends and my time is limited and valuable. No drinks or tea.

You have friends and your time is limited and valuable. Why on earth did you have kids? That's really sad. You probably have no clue how your kids behave, but the rest of us do.

Not dp, but harsh response. My kid had friends in HS that I knew the parents in general, some I didn't, some parents I'd never met. We built trust and tracker on the phone. There were some parents of his closest friend who were lovely, but we just didn't bond with. So no, I don't have time for tea and cookies either, and that's ok.

Its not a harsh response. You need to be involved with your kids. And, that means knowing where they are and what's going on there. Its not about being friends but communication. A tracker on the phone is good but that doesn't say what they are actually doing, just they are where they say they are.

But, this is why I used to have everyone at our house. I'd rather spend a fortune on pizza and feeding everyone and they be safe with us vs. at a home with checked out parents who don't care or monitor things.

But that's not what you said. You said.

"I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc."

People can communicate without the above.

Also, just because parents don't want to hang out with you does not mean they are checked out or don't monitor things. Just a ridiculous premise.

My experience has been that involved parents welcome the chance to get to know us too. I invite people in my home and they will come inside and chat for some time and stay for tea, coffee, wine etc. Would I want my kid to hang out in a house where the parents don't have basic manners? No. I chalk them as selfish and self-centered people. I also feel that there is some kind of dysfunction in their family. If parents are able to talk to me and are welcoming, I am assured that they are functional, normal and they have nothing to hide. My kids have a thriving social life and I have always noted that the parents who are involved will model the correct behavior for socialization to their children.

I don't expect the parents to become my bosom buddies, but, we are cordial, warm and welcoming to each other. We are allies in looking out for all of our children. I find that it makes parenting easier especially in teen years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't been very involved since my kids hit middle school except to give/deny permission for major stuff (including asking questions as needed in order to decide). A little bit of driving & hosting in the middle school years, but they were figuring out even the transportation bit themselves by high school.

Wow, just wow. So, you refuse to drive and make other parents do all the work. There is probably a reason your kids needed to escape your home.

+1
I was thinking the same thing. Who do you think providing the said "transportation"? Some parent like me. My son will often ask me to give a ride to his friends and I am always happy to comply because it is reciprocal with at least some parents. But then there are many whose parents are checked out, and sooner or later, my son will tell me how these kids dislike their parents or have major problems with them.

Some of these children are so checked out that they are acting out at school or home. The mode they function on at all times is "defiance". Even when defiance is not required. Strangely enough, many of these kids have been coming to my house since ES, MS days. Their defiance is never towards me and they have always been respectful towards me. I think even teens understand which parents are checked out and which parents are not. They are teenagers. They are not idiots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently moved to a new town and my son has made friends with a few kids who are on his swim team who also go to his school.
It sounds like they are all planning on hanging out on Sunday (Halloween) in the neighborhood near us where a few of the boys live.
He has a cell phone and I have made it clear that I will drop him off/pick him up as needed.
He’s basically been making plans like this and going out with friends since last year when they started going back to school in person, sometimes without me being involved at all (he rides his bike)
I have not really gotten to know the other parents yet. I never once met the parents of the kids he was hanging out with last spring before we moved.
Am I ok just dropping him off?

NY 11yr old is like this. I have no problem with this. I'm very glad he is socially capable of making friends and planning things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't been very involved since my kids hit middle school except to give/deny permission for major stuff (including asking questions as needed in order to decide). A little bit of driving & hosting in the middle school years, but they were figuring out even the transportation bit themselves by high school.

Wow, just wow. So, you refuse to drive and make other parents do all the work. There is probably a reason your kids needed to escape your home.

+1
I was thinking the same thing. Who do you think providing the said "transportation"? Some parent like me. My son will often ask me to give a ride to his friends and I am always happy to comply because it is reciprocal with at least some parents. But then there are many whose parents are checked out, and sooner or later, my son will tell me how these kids dislike their parents or have major problems with them.

Some of these children are so checked out that they are acting out at school or home. The mode they function on at all times is "defiance". Even when defiance is not required. Strangely enough, many of these kids have been coming to my house since ES, MS days. Their defiance is never towards me and they have always been respectful towards me. I think even teens understand which parents are checked out and which parents are not. They are teenagers. They are not idiots.

You do realize some of us live in walkable communities and even have access to metro (gasp!!). My kids have been taking metro for years to school and know how to navigate the city quite well. Cars are for losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't been very involved since my kids hit middle school except to give/deny permission for major stuff (including asking questions as needed in order to decide). A little bit of driving & hosting in the middle school years, but they were figuring out even the transportation bit themselves by high school.

Wow, just wow. So, you refuse to drive and make other parents do all the work. There is probably a reason your kids needed to escape your home.

+1
I was thinking the same thing. Who do you think providing the said "transportation"? Some parent like me. My son will often ask me to give a ride to his friends and I am always happy to comply because it is reciprocal with at least some parents. But then there are many whose parents are checked out, and sooner or later, my son will tell me how these kids dislike their parents or have major problems with them.

Some of these children are so checked out that they are acting out at school or home. The mode they function on at all times is "defiance". Even when defiance is not required. Strangely enough, many of these kids have been coming to my house since ES, MS days. Their defiance is never towards me and they have always been respectful towards me. I think even teens understand which parents are checked out and which parents are not. They are teenagers. They are not idiots.

You do realize some of us live in walkable communities and even have access to metro (gasp!!). My kids have been taking metro for years to school and know how to navigate the city quite well. Cars are for losers.

Good for you. We don’t have sidewalks nor that close and with Covid public transportation is a no. We are driving your kids. Be real. We feel bad they have crappy parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't been very involved since my kids hit middle school except to give/deny permission for major stuff (including asking questions as needed in order to decide). A little bit of driving & hosting in the middle school years, but they were figuring out even the transportation bit themselves by high school.

Wow, just wow. So, you refuse to drive and make other parents do all the work. There is probably a reason your kids needed to escape your home.

+1
I was thinking the same thing. Who do you think providing the said "transportation"? Some parent like me. My son will often ask me to give a ride to his friends and I am always happy to comply because it is reciprocal with at least some parents. But then there are many whose parents are checked out, and sooner or later, my son will tell me how these kids dislike their parents or have major problems with them.

Some of these children are so checked out that they are acting out at school or home. The mode they function on at all times is "defiance". Even when defiance is not required. Strangely enough, many of these kids have been coming to my house since ES, MS days. Their defiance is never towards me and they have always been respectful towards me. I think even teens understand which parents are checked out and which parents are not. They are teenagers. They are not idiots.

My son’s group always want to hang out and have sleepovers at divorced dad’s house when it’s his visitation night because he has no rules and is a “yes” man. There is little to no supervision over there. They want to go over there because they know they can do whatever the hell they want, go out late at night, etc. It’s a group of kids with little parental rules or regulations.

Sometimes the house they go to is exactly the one they know they can get away with anything.

Needless to say, we watch the interactions with group very closely.

With my other son, his group has parents with the same level of supervision at home and friends that aren’t risk-takers. We have less qualms about staying or going to any of those friends’ homes.

We do host and the kids enjoy it here—but divorced dad allows a group sleepover with lots of kids literally every weekend and last minute and the few times we allowed kid came home wrecked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, that’s very normal OP. That starts happening around 6th grade. Were you making plans for your son up until now?

Covid hit when he was in 6th grade, and at the time he was attending an elementary school outside our neighborhood, all of his friends lived in places that were not at all pedestrian bike friendly. When things opened up again he was in a new school in our neighborhood. Caught me a little off guard with his independence, but he’s always been extroverted and loves “the group” so maybe not really that surprising.

Sounds great!! Seems like he is adjusting well! ☺️

[Anonymous]

My 14 yo is so excited to be doing this for Halloween. Party w friends/classmates. He asked me to pick up a friend so they can go together. I texted parents about pick up and drop off (they will pick up and bring them home.) Texted party kids mom to ask what time the party ends.