DS14 arranging his own social life - how much do I need to be involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids did their own socializing too, except, I make it a point to know the parents and have everyone's contact info. I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc.

We have a large friends network and we socialize a lot. My kids have grown up knowing how to host parties, make plans and be inclusive. This is very cultural for us.

So, in short, great that kids are socializing. However, you need to know who they are hanging out with and they need to know what is unacceptable.

No.

I’m happy to exchange info and be in friendly contact related to my kids but I don’t need to get to know you just because our teenage kids hang out. Too much. I have friends and my time is limited and valuable. No drinks or tea.

You have friends and your time is limited and valuable. Why on earth did you have kids? That's really sad. You probably have no clue how your kids behave, but the rest of us do.

It is not required to socialize with parents of your children’s friends to know how your children behave.

I have middle schoolers and the behavior of some of the friends is shocking on discord and other places. These are nice kids when they are with me but its not surprising as I see how they behave toward their parents and at other times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust but verify.

This. I’ll know the close friends parents just because we’ll interact or talk over time. The rest, I learn about those kids through my open conversation w/ my kid or through interactions w/those kids themselves(ie sports practice/ games, outings, etc).

I’m not hosting a tea/dinner/party/conference call with everyone my kid decides to becomes acquaintances with during MS/HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust but verify.

This. I'd go introduce myself to the other parents and exchange numbers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids did their own socializing too, except, I make it a point to know the parents and have everyone's contact info. I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc.

We have a large friends network and we socialize a lot. My kids have grown up knowing how to host parties, make plans and be inclusive. This is very cultural for us.

So, in short, great that kids are socializing. However, you need to know who they are hanging out with and they need to know what is unacceptable.

No.

I’m happy to exchange info and be in friendly contact related to my kids but I don’t need to get to know you just because our teenage kids hang out. Too much. I have friends and my time is limited and valuable. No drinks or tea.

You have friends and your time is limited and valuable. Why on earth did you have kids? That's really sad. You probably have no clue how your kids behave, but the rest of us do.

It is not required to socialize with parents of your children’s friends to know how your children behave.

I have middle schoolers and the behavior of some of the friends is shocking on discord and other places. These are nice kids when they are with me but its not surprising as I see how they behave toward their parents and at other times.

Okay. What does that have to do with socializing with the parents exactly?

I know where my kids are at all times and have open dialogues with them about everything. I have their phones locked down. I have a middle school kid and they're not on discord. I wouldn't let my middle school kid be on discord or social media. Why would you? I randomly review texts and photos at any time and my kids know it. I also regularly get unsolicited compliments from people about what good manners my kids have.

And by the way, I'm perfectly friendly to any and all. Happy to coordinate, happy to chat at a pick up or drop off. I just don't need to "get to know" or have drinks/tea with every parent of every kid my kids interact with.

There are other ways of parenting kids than what you seem to think is required.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust but verify.

This. I’ll know the close friends parents just because we’ll interact or talk over time. The rest, I learn about those kids through my open conversation w/ my kid or through interactions w/those kids themselves(ie sports practice/ games, outings, etc).

I’m not hosting a tea/dinner/party/conference call with everyone my kid decides to becomes acquaintances with during MS/HS.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids did their own socializing too, except, I make it a point to know the parents and have everyone's contact info. I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc.

We have a large friends network and we socialize a lot. My kids have grown up knowing how to host parties, make plans and be inclusive. This is very cultural for us.

So, in short, great that kids are socializing. However, you need to know who they are hanging out with and they need to know what is unacceptable.

No.

I’m happy to exchange info and be in friendly contact related to my kids but I don’t need to get to know you just because our teenage kids hang out. Too much. I have friends and my time is limited and valuable. No drinks or tea.

You have friends and your time is limited and valuable. Why on earth did you have kids? That's really sad. You probably have no clue how your kids behave, but the rest of us do.

Not dp, but harsh response. My kid had friends in HS that I knew the parents in general, some I didn't, some parents I'd never met. We built trust and tracker on the phone. There were some parents of his closest friend who were lovely, but we just didn't bond with. So no, I don't have time for tea and cookies either, and that's ok.

Its not a harsh response. You need to be involved with your kids. And, that means knowing where they are and what's going on there. Its not about being friends but communication. A tracker on the phone is good but that doesn't say what they are actually doing, just they are where they say they are.

But, this is why I used to have everyone at our house. I'd rather spend a fortune on pizza and feeding everyone and they be safe with us vs. at a home with checked out parents who don't care or monitor things.

But that's not what you said. You said.

"I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc."

People can communicate without the above.

Also, just because parents don't want to hang out with you does not mean they are checked out or don't monitor things. Just a ridiculous premise.

[Anonymous]

That's how it is with my teens. If I don't already know the parents (from when they were younger), it seems like the parents aren't really interested in meeting or getting to know each other once the kids are teens.

They make their own plans and coordinate with parents for permission and rides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust but verify.

This. I'd go introduce myself to the other parents and exchange numbers.

Back to the OP's post...

If these are kids your kid knows through swim team, you will organically meet them at a swim meet or other even. Make a point to introduce yourself. If kids become regular friends, the opportunities will present themselves without you forcing it awkwardly. They'll want a ride. Your kid will get invited to their home. Something.

[Anonymous]

OMG THERE IS NOT JUST ONE WAY TO PARENT

[Anonymous]

Yes, that’s very normal OP. That starts happening around 6th grade. Were you making plans for your son up until now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, that’s very normal OP. That starts happening around 6th grade. Were you making plans for your son up until now?

Covid hit when he was in 6th grade, and at the time he was attending an elementary school outside our neighborhood, all of his friends lived in places that were not at all pedestrian bike friendly. When things opened up again he was in a new school in our neighborhood. Caught me a little off guard with his independence, but he’s always been extroverted and loves “the group” so maybe not really that surprising.

[Anonymous]

Any other night of the year I'd be patting the OP on the back. But...Halloween? Unless you live in an area in which the night before or the night after is "Mischief Night" I'd be a little stricter. At least check that he's not bringing eggs, toilet paper, spray paint, etc. with him.

Maybe drive by about half an hour after you drop him off to make sure the group hasn't hit a few homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids did their own socializing too, except, I make it a point to know the parents and have everyone's contact info. I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc.

We have a large friends network and we socialize a lot. My kids have grown up knowing how to host parties, make plans and be inclusive. This is very cultural for us.

So, in short, great that kids are socializing. However, you need to know who they are hanging out with and they need to know what is unacceptable.

No.

I’m happy to exchange info and be in friendly contact related to my kids but I don’t need to get to know you just because our teenage kids hang out. Too much. I have friends and my time is limited and valuable. No drinks or tea.

You have friends and your time is limited and valuable. Why on earth did you have kids? That's really sad. You probably have no clue how your kids behave, but the rest of us do.

It is not required to socialize with parents of your children’s friends to know how your children behave.

I have middle schoolers and the behavior of some of the friends is shocking on discord and other places. These are nice kids when they are with me but its not surprising as I see how they behave toward their parents and at other times.

Okay. What does that have to do with socializing with the parents exactly?

I know where my kids are at all times and have open dialogues with them about everything. I have their phones locked down. I have a middle school kid and they're not on discord. I wouldn't let my middle school kid be on discord or social media. Why would you? I randomly review texts and photos at any time and my kids know it. I also regularly get unsolicited compliments from people about what good manners my kids have.

And by the way, I'm perfectly friendly to any and all. Happy to coordinate, happy to chat at a pick up or drop off. I just don't need to "get to know" or have drinks/tea with every parent of every kid my kids interact with.

There are other ways of parenting kids than what you seem to think is required.

No one is saying you need to socialize with parents but at least chat with them for a few minutes at pick up/drop off and engage.

My kids are on discord as that is how they socialize. They don't have any other social media. But, watching them chat on discord is no different than your kids texting. And, you kids are probably doing more than you think. I would never say anything to another parent about their child's behavior and say everything is fine as I know those parents don't care so don't kid yourself to think your child's behavior is perfect. None are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, that’s very normal OP. That starts happening around 6th grade. Were you making plans for your son up until now?

Covid hit when he was in 6th grade, and at the time he was attending an elementary school outside our neighborhood, all of his friends lived in places that were not at all pedestrian bike friendly. When things opened up again he was in a new school in our neighborhood. Caught me a little off guard with his independence, but he’s always been extroverted and loves “the group” so maybe not really that surprising.

Maybe he's being like that as you are hands off. Or, he's up to something that he doesn't want you to know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Explain to him what you expect him to do if there is drinking, vaping or pot.

Or discuss with him what he would do.

At 14 you tell him what to do. At 16 he should be able to tell you.