DS14 arranging his own social life - how much do I need to be involved?

[Anonymous]

We recently moved to a new town and my son has made friends with a few kids who are on his swim team who also go to his school.
It sounds like they are all planning on hanging out on Sunday (Halloween) in the neighborhood near us where a few of the boys live.
He has a cell phone and I have made it clear that I will drop him off/pick him up as needed.
He’s basically been making plans like this and going out with friends since last year when they started going back to school in person, sometimes without me being involved at all (he rides his bike)
I have not really gotten to know the other parents yet. I never once met the parents of the kids he was hanging out with last spring before we moved.
Am I ok just dropping him off?

[Anonymous]

You should be proud of your son! I hope my son is as independent.

[Anonymous]

Of course.

You give him parameters. If you're leaving this area, text me and ask. If I reach out to you, respond right away. If we agree on a time to be home, be home at that time. And I assume you're having all the basic underlying convos so he can go out and figure out the world and (hopefully) make good decisions. Consent with girls/boys/whoever, vaping, drinking, drugs, how to handle himself in different situations with adults, treating people's property and space respectfully, etc.

Time for him to be figuring it all out if you've laid the ground work correctly. This is what he should be doing.

And by the way, this happens even if it's not a new town. They start middle school and it's a lot of kids you don't know from elementary. Very normal.

[Anonymous]

This is great! I wish my 14 year old DS was doing this!

[Anonymous]

Explain to him what you expect him to do if there is drinking, vaping or pot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Explain to him what you expect him to do if there is drinking, vaping or pot.

Or discuss with him what he would do.

[Anonymous]

My kids did their own socializing too, except, I make it a point to know the parents and have everyone's contact info. I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc.

We have a large friends network and we socialize a lot. My kids have grown up knowing how to host parties, make plans and be inclusive. This is very cultural for us.

So, in short, great that kids are socializing. However, you need to know who they are hanging out with and they need to know what is unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids did their own socializing too, except, I make it a point to know the parents and have everyone's contact info. I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc.

We have a large friends network and we socialize a lot. My kids have grown up knowing how to host parties, make plans and be inclusive. This is very cultural for us.

So, in short, great that kids are socializing. However, you need to know who they are hanging out with and they need to know what is unacceptable.

No.

I’m happy to exchange info and be in friendly contact related to my kids but I don’t need to get to know you just because our teenage kids hang out. Too much. I have friends and my time is limited and valuable. No drinks or tea.

[Anonymous]

Trust but verify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids did their own socializing too, except, I make it a point to know the parents and have everyone's contact info. I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc.

We have a large friends network and we socialize a lot. My kids have grown up knowing how to host parties, make plans and be inclusive. This is very cultural for us.

So, in short, great that kids are socializing. However, you need to know who they are hanging out with and they need to know what is unacceptable.

No.

I’m happy to exchange info and be in friendly contact related to my kids but I don’t need to get to know you just because our teenage kids hang out. Too much. I have friends and my time is limited and valuable. No drinks or tea.

You have friends and your time is limited and valuable. Why on earth did you have kids? That's really sad. You probably have no clue how your kids behave, but the rest of us do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids did their own socializing too, except, I make it a point to know the parents and have everyone's contact info. I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc.

We have a large friends network and we socialize a lot. My kids have grown up knowing how to host parties, make plans and be inclusive. This is very cultural for us.

So, in short, great that kids are socializing. However, you need to know who they are hanging out with and they need to know what is unacceptable.

I’m curious what culture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids did their own socializing too, except, I make it a point to know the parents and have everyone's contact info. I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc.

We have a large friends network and we socialize a lot. My kids have grown up knowing how to host parties, make plans and be inclusive. This is very cultural for us.

So, in short, great that kids are socializing. However, you need to know who they are hanging out with and they need to know what is unacceptable.

No.

I’m happy to exchange info and be in friendly contact related to my kids but I don’t need to get to know you just because our teenage kids hang out. Too much. I have friends and my time is limited and valuable. No drinks or tea.

You have friends and your time is limited and valuable. Why on earth did you have kids? That's really sad. You probably have no clue how your kids behave, but the rest of us do.

Is part of the reason you had kids to get to have drinks with their friends’ parents? Is that a thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids did their own socializing too, except, I make it a point to know the parents and have everyone's contact info. I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc.

We have a large friends network and we socialize a lot. My kids have grown up knowing how to host parties, make plans and be inclusive. This is very cultural for us.

So, in short, great that kids are socializing. However, you need to know who they are hanging out with and they need to know what is unacceptable.

No.

I’m happy to exchange info and be in friendly contact related to my kids but I don’t need to get to know you just because our teenage kids hang out. Too much. I have friends and my time is limited and valuable. No drinks or tea.

You have friends and your time is limited and valuable. Why on earth did you have kids? That's really sad. You probably have no clue how your kids behave, but the rest of us do.

Not dp, but harsh response. My kid had friends in HS that I knew the parents in general, some I didn't, some parents I'd never met. We built trust and tracker on the phone. There were some parents of his closest friend who were lovely, but we just didn't bond with. So no, I don't have time for tea and cookies either, and that's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids did their own socializing too, except, I make it a point to know the parents and have everyone's contact info. I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc.

We have a large friends network and we socialize a lot. My kids have grown up knowing how to host parties, make plans and be inclusive. This is very cultural for us.

So, in short, great that kids are socializing. However, you need to know who they are hanging out with and they need to know what is unacceptable.

No.

I’m happy to exchange info and be in friendly contact related to my kids but I don’t need to get to know you just because our teenage kids hang out. Too much. I have friends and my time is limited and valuable. No drinks or tea.

You have friends and your time is limited and valuable. Why on earth did you have kids? That's really sad. You probably have no clue how your kids behave, but the rest of us do.

It is not required to socialize with parents of your children’s friends to know how your children behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids did their own socializing too, except, I make it a point to know the parents and have everyone's contact info. I also invite parents to our home to get to know them for drinks or tea etc.

We have a large friends network and we socialize a lot. My kids have grown up knowing how to host parties, make plans and be inclusive. This is very cultural for us.

So, in short, great that kids are socializing. However, you need to know who they are hanging out with and they need to know what is unacceptable.

No.

I’m happy to exchange info and be in friendly contact related to my kids but I don’t need to get to know you just because our teenage kids hang out. Too much. I have friends and my time is limited and valuable. No drinks or tea.

You have friends and your time is limited and valuable. Why on earth did you have kids? That's really sad. You probably have no clue how your kids behave, but the rest of us do.

Not dp, but harsh response. My kid had friends in HS that I knew the parents in general, some I didn't, some parents I'd never met. We built trust and tracker on the phone. There were some parents of his closest friend who were lovely, but we just didn't bond with. So no, I don't have time for tea and cookies either, and that's ok.

Its not a harsh response. You need to be involved with your kids. And, that means knowing where they are and what's going on there. Its not about being friends but communication. A tracker on the phone is good but that doesn't say what they are actually doing, just they are where they say they are.

But, this is why I used to have everyone at our house. I'd rather spend a fortune on pizza and feeding everyone and they be safe with us vs. at a home with checked out parents who don't care or monitor things.