Boyfriend walked out - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When he returns for god sake don't get right back into it.

We’ve exchanged a few pleasantries by text. We will have further discussions and I have enough EQ to know better than to get right back in to it. As PP stated, I/we need to get better at recognizing the need to take a break when things get heated. Hard to always have presence of mind in the moment but I’m working on it.

A therapist friend told me to pick a code word. It's like a safe word, you say it and then you have to stop and wait 20 minutes to pick up the conversation again.

Physiologically that is how long it takes your body to reset. It works with teens too, if you are driving them crazy they have a code word to say and you have to stop talking.

Our code word is Oak Tree. I'll be driving down the road talking about grades or some other vapid worry and my teen says "oak tree" then we get 20 minutes of music, it's genius.

Love this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Physiologically that is how long it takes your body to reset. It works with teens too, if you are driving them crazy they have a code word to say and you have to stop talking.

Our code word is Oak Tree. I'll be driving down the road talking about grades or some other vapid worry and my teen says "oak tree" then we get 20 minutes of music, it's genius.

The idea that, in effect, your teen can tell you to shut up and you have to obey is fascinatingly stupid, but no doubt it appeals to weak-minded parents.

[Anonymous]

OP if it takes him 12 hours to cool off then you have a giant red flag waving in your face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Better than him staying and escalating and both of you saying things you’ll later regret.

That's the excuse of the silent treatment types.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse.

The real solution is for him to be able to stay and *not* say things he will regret. To control himself.

DP. Oh for petesake. He talked to OP about whatever the issue was and then they both were quiet, not just him. He told her he was going to go out for a bit to cool off, he didn’t just leave without saying a word, and he gave her a kiss in his way out so she would know this wasn’t him just leaving her. He cooled off overnight and then reached out by text to check in.

None of that is the silent treatment. He didn’t ignore texts from OP while he was out, and he didn’t refuse to talk to her about the issue at all, he just took a little time to himself *after* they talked.

"For a bit"
"A little time"

Hi silent treatment apologist! It was 12 hours of silence because man-baby can't reign in his emotions enough to have a civilized conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Walking away is a healthy coping strategy.

The whole sitting in a house and not talking is abuse.

Let him work it out in his head and come back when he feels like talking.

Your need to "talk" before he is ready is not healthy. Go for a walk, meditate, do some yoga.

Also, stop getting in "heated" conversations. When a discussion is getting hot, stop, take a break, step back, reengage.

Walking away is a healthy coping strategy?

Lol. Uh, no it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Hell with him… See ya later sucka

[Anonymous]

As a person who has tremendous difficulty organizing their thought and emotions constructively this is relatable. I have gone silent for long periods when I get that everything I tried to say would make things worse, not help the other person, be regretted, and come out super confused. I try not to be self centered but sometimes it takes so much effort to get there that I cannot sustain seeing the other person’s perspective and I go quiet because I just can’t don’t the right words.

[Anonymous]

If he really loved you he'd stay and let you scream at him and just mumble apologies to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Physiologically that is how long it takes your body to reset. It works with teens too, if you are driving them crazy they have a code word to say and you have to stop talking.

Our code word is Oak Tree. I'll be driving down the road talking about grades or some other vapid worry and my teen says "oak tree" then we get 20 minutes of music, it's genius.

The idea that, in effect, your teen can tell you to shut up and you have to obey is fascinatingly stupid, but no doubt it appeals to weak-minded parents.

I know, it's crazy to think that naggy annoying moms sometime just need to shut.the.f.up.

Can't I nag and annoy and poke and prod without respecting my soon to be adult child. Jeez!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he really loved you he'd stay and let you scream at him and just mumble apologies to you.

This makes me want to pour a glass of wine and start the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walking away is a healthy coping strategy.

The whole sitting in a house and not talking is abuse.

Let him work it out in his head and come back when he feels like talking.

Your need to "talk" before he is ready is not healthy. Go for a walk, meditate, do some yoga.

Also, stop getting in "heated" conversations. When a discussion is getting hot, stop, take a break, step back, reengage.

Walking away is a healthy coping strategy?

Lol. Uh, no it isn't.

Not sure if you read the thread or original post but saying “I need space” before walking away is quite healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walking away is a healthy coping strategy.

The whole sitting in a house and not talking is abuse.

Let him work it out in his head and come back when he feels like talking.

Your need to "talk" before he is ready is not healthy. Go for a walk, meditate, do some yoga.

Also, stop getting in "heated" conversations. When a discussion is getting hot, stop, take a break, step back, reengage.

Walking away is a healthy coping strategy?

Lol. Uh, no it isn't.

UM! Yes it is. Nobody should be in a heated conversation to begin with. You are already in unhealthy zone. But stepping away, letting your emotions, blood pressure, anxiety levels lower and coming back with cooler heads is the most healthy response.

If you measure somebody's physiological response to a "heated argument" and test them on simple puzzles, their ability to think and reason is greatly compromised. Never talk when heated, stop, calm, regroup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Better than him staying and escalating and both of you saying things you’ll later regret.

That's the excuse of the silent treatment types.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse.

The real solution is for him to be able to stay and *not* say things he will regret. To control himself.

DP. Oh for petesake. He talked to OP about whatever the issue was and then they both were quiet, not just him. He told her he was going to go out for a bit to cool off, he didn’t just leave without saying a word, and he gave her a kiss in his way out so she would know this wasn’t him just leaving her. He cooled off overnight and then reached out by text to check in.

None of that is the silent treatment. He didn’t ignore texts from OP while he was out, and he didn’t refuse to talk to her about the issue at all, he just took a little time to himself *after* they talked.

"For a bit"
"A little time"

Hi silent treatment apologist! It was 12 hours of silence because man-baby can't reign in his emotions enough to have a civilized conversation.

Dang! The crazy nags are out in full force they need their sniveling pansy to just sit there and take it.

[Anonymous]

at 12:20 he left 12 hours ago, meaning he left at midnight?

So where did he sleep?

[Anonymous]

If you don’t live together 12 hours does not seem like very long.