Boyfriend walked out - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Get on Tinder and start swiping.

[Anonymous]

What were you arguing about that got everyone so worked up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get on Tinder and start swiping.

There’s a solution!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Better than him staying and escalating and both of you saying things you’ll later regret.

That's the excuse of the silent treatment types.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse.

The real solution is for him to be able to stay and *not* say things he will regret. To control himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a heated exchange. We both got quiet sitting in silence then he tells me he needs to be alone. I said okay. He kissed me and left my house. It’s been over 12 hours and I’ve heard nothing nor reached out to him. Feeling conflicted about reaching out. WWYD?

Nothing. If this happened at night for sure I’d do nothing.

Hopefully the following evening or day or two he approaches you to talk about the issue.

Then you’ll know what kind of person you’re dealing with. Mature or immature. Reasonable or angry. Can resolve a conflict, cannot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get on Tinder and start swiping.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did he say?!

Super dry, hope-you’re-having-good-day type message. Most of my anxiety diminished and I know we’ll have a longer conversation later.

Hope so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Better than him staying and escalating and both of you saying things you’ll later regret.

That's the excuse of the silent treatment types.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse.

The real solution is for him to be able to stay and *not* say things he will regret. To control himself.

DP. Oh for petesake. He talked to OP about whatever the issue was and then they both were quiet, not just him. He told her he was going to go out for a bit to cool off, he didn’t just leave without saying a word, and he gave her a kiss in his way out so she would know this wasn’t him just leaving her. He cooled off overnight and then reached out by text to check in.

None of that is the silent treatment. He didn’t ignore texts from OP while he was out, and he didn’t refuse to talk to her about the issue at all, he just took a little time to himself *after* they talked.

[Anonymous]

Walking away is a healthy coping strategy.

The whole sitting in a house and not talking is abuse.

Let him work it out in his head and come back when he feels like talking.

Your need to "talk" before he is ready is not healthy. Go for a walk, meditate, do some yoga.

Also, stop getting in "heated" conversations. When a discussion is getting hot, stop, take a break, step back, reengage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Better than him staying and escalating and both of you saying things you’ll later regret.

That's the excuse of the silent treatment types.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse.

The real solution is for him to be able to stay and *not* say things he will regret. To control himself.

That is NOT what the silent treatment is. He verbally communicated a desire to be alone. He was not silent about that. The silent treatment is when something happens, and the person literally stops talking and engaging. They never ask for the space to process or be alone. They just stop talking. When asked, "Hey, what's wrong?" they don't respond. They sit at a meal and say nothing. This boyfriend did none of those things.

It is healthy for adults to say that they need some space. It may not be how you process information and/or emotions, but it is necessary for some.

[Anonymous]

When he returns for god sake don't get right back into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When he returns for god sake don't get right back into it.

We’ve exchanged a few pleasantries by text. We will have further discussions and I have enough EQ to know better than to get right back in to it. As PP stated, I/we need to get better at recognizing the need to take a break when things get heated. Hard to always have presence of mind in the moment but I’m working on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Better than him staying and escalating and both of you saying things you’ll later regret.

He’s told me that’s what he used to do (stay and blow up). I appreciated the request for time alone and the kiss.

NP - he may want to explore that in therapy, so that he can address it in a healthy way. It's perfectly fine for him to do what he did today, especially because he communicated his need for some time alone, gave you a kiss so you knew it wasn't forever - but he's a boyfriend now. If you marry this man it won't be OK anymore for him to leave for 12 hours especially if you have kids. There needs to be some work done so that he can find other ways to cope that don't leave family members in the lurch.

If this is a first fight, then you have a ways to go to figure out where this relationship is going - take your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When he returns for god sake don't get right back into it.

We’ve exchanged a few pleasantries by text. We will have further discussions and I have enough EQ to know better than to get right back in to it. As PP stated, I/we need to get better at recognizing the need to take a break when things get heated. Hard to always have presence of mind in the moment but I’m working on it.

A therapist friend told me to pick a code word. It's like a safe word, you say it and then you have to stop and wait 20 minutes to pick up the conversation again.

Physiologically that is how long it takes your body to reset. It works with teens too, if you are driving them crazy they have a code word to say and you have to stop talking.

Our code word is Oak Tree. I'll be driving down the road talking about grades or some other vapid worry and my teen says "oak tree" then we get 20 minutes of music, it's genius.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Better than him staying and escalating and both of you saying things you’ll later regret.

He’s told me that’s what he used to do (stay and blow up). I appreciated the request for time alone and the kiss.

NP - he may want to explore that in therapy, so that he can address it in a healthy way. It's perfectly fine for him to do what he did today, especially because he communicated his need for some time alone, gave you a kiss so you knew it wasn't forever - but he's a boyfriend now. If you marry this man it won't be OK anymore for him to leave for 12 hours especially if you have kids. There needs to be some work done so that he can find other ways to cope that don't leave family members in the lurch.

If this is a first fight, then you have a ways to go to figure out where this relationship is going - take your time.

This is a little melodramatic. He didn’t leave anyone in he lurch, he took some quiet time because he had the luxury to do so.