I Don’t Even Know How to Answer This

[Anonymous]

She is under no obligation to act in your, the kids', or even her own best interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, op, I’ve noticed that many men regard women as “lashing out” when they express any form of anger.
Just recently we had a bad experience with a Lowes subcontractor. I wanted to sort it out that day and my husband wanted to “give them time”. He wasn’t at the house to talk to the vendor and see just how bad the subcontractor was (it was a consult so no physical damage for him to see), and I wanted to let Lowes know how terrible their sub was, and that if Lowes would like to keep our business, I needed another contractor.

He and I argued some, and I do remember me saying “If you don’t want to get this done, let’s sell the f**cking house”.
That woke him up and we went to Lowes.

I became concerned when the guy at Lowes tried to tell me I couldn’t write a bad review because if I did, it would trickle down to him. The guy was great, switched us to another sub, but I wanted Lowes management to know what was going on. Its not 1980, writing gets more attention, and well, it was my right to write about an experience I had with one of their subs.

On the way home, my husband said I was being b**chy for threatening to write a bad review.
I thought about that some, and the next day I told him that I’ve discovered writing publicly about an experence gets a lot of positive attention, note, I wasn’t asking for free anything. I also didn’t think it was appropriate for a business to try and silence me. I told him that if the guy got fired because of a bad review (a review where I also praised him for assigning us to another sub), that was a screwed up culture, but that it wasn’t my problem. I told my husband thad that this was all in the context of business, it wasn’t like I was mad at my kid’s boyfriend who just happened to work at Lowes, or that a friend in his off time had suggested a contractor and the friend just happned to work at Lowes, this was all in the context of business I was trying to do with Lowes. I explained to my husband that I wouldnt be silenced nor would I do business with a company that thought silencing me (I was the only woman around) was appropriate.

All this got him to see my point.

I strongly believe that had my husband and his brother gone to Lowes, he’d not have said a word if his brother had said “you know, I need to publicly review this place”. Men don’t usually do that to each other.

All this to say, Im not convinced your wife can’t control her emotions, you simply don’t like it when she speaks loudly or says anything you don’t want to hear or that may make your life difficult.

I see that she’s an ex, or almost one, and either way, you’ve ended the relationship. So long as she isn’t destroying your property or witholding the kids, you don’t get to tell her to only use nice words. This isn’t third grade.
If you need to, get a very rigid custody plan and maybe even a paretning cordinator involved. You’re allowed to do that.

She cannot control her emotions. Her temper gets to the point that she loses all capability of rational thought and is caught up in her "feelings." It has led her into conflicts with my family and friends, neighbors, law enforcement and finally got her fired from a very lucrative job. When boundaries are set, she tries to push through them. She has the nerve to say she can "nice" if she chooses, so I and everyone are put on notice we need to manage how she feels. I'm through with that. I told her yesterday why does she expect me to throw some lavish party for her 50th birthday when she clearly asked me for a divorce about two months ago, tells me I am worthless and "no one" to her." I told I've gone out and hire a lawyer. It was not all my original plan, but she pushed me to the wall and I responded by telling her my plans. I will now see her come around in the next 24 hours and try to be all miss "sweetness and light" because she is afraid to be 'alone" and will have to give up "half of her stuff." Mental illness cannot be rationally argued with.

[Anonymous]

Get divorced already and you both need therapy.

You two clearly cannot communicate well or resolve anything together - whether that’s because you aggravate and escalate things via passive aggressiveness leading to her to repeat things, get louder and finally upset with you, or she really goes around to everyone on earth yelling and screaming as you purport.

In the former case she should divorce your @$$, and in the latter case you should already be divorced.

I see you have your Evil Wife story all set as well. No mention of your childrens needs and concerns though…. Interesting.

[Anonymous]

My sister dated someone who blamed everything on her even though it was clearly due to him. He also had a twisted laundry list of fake examples how anything that happened - which was usually her sticking up for what was right - was due to her “anger.”

But we went on a week trip with them. And by day 4 his mask fell off. He started blaming my mom for idiotic stuff he had done. And arguing with me when told how to use an appliance he was breaking.

And now he thinks everyone is crazy yet won’t stop harassing my sister who broke up with him months ago.

You have to wonder about people who cherry pick moments out of context to repaint their own demented narrative.

[Anonymous]

Her “feelings”.

Gasp. Feelings are for wusses. I hate talking about feelings. Only transactions for me. Feelings are really just angry people.

[Anonymous]

OK? She probably is trying, but yeah, some cracks are showing.

You’re probably trying, but yeah, some cracks are showing.

Do your best. Think of your kids. It honestly doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong about every little thing—your KIDS MATTER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through a divorce. STBX says she’s “trying to be nice” for the children and that I should “make the effort too.” I don’t even know how to respond to that since she’s the one who cannot control her emotions and lashes out constantly and burns everything down around her. Her temper is just one of the many reasons I filed for divorce.

What do you mean you don’t know what to say to this?

If you’re truly getting a divorce and now have temporary custody plans, separation started, lawyers talking you just get civil and simple. Did your lawyer send her a divorce letter yet or is this all a game still?

No need to dissect anything. Absolutely act nice and distant, despite whatever happened before. Both of you.
If things were horrible you should be silently happy and relieved to be taking there steps back to health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are smart, you'll be running a recorder every time she is in the same room as you. Years later, if you ever doubt why you got a divorce, you can listen to those recordings.

Yeahhhh, that’s healthy!

[Anonymous]

I’d be thrilled to be separated and soon divorced from either of you. Whatever the f is actually going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem comes in with me asserting myself and setting boundaries that STBX doesn’t honor. So, for example, is she is being condescending or mean in either words or tone and I call her on it, I’m not bring nice.

+1 to the eye roll. OP, you filed for divorce. Stop trying to tone police or expect her to make any changes to suit you. You ended the relationship, so stop trying to force her to change to be the person you wished she was. You don't get to demand she changes her behavior now. You also don't get to deny her the ability to process this and it's not always going to be on your terms.

Grow up and put your children ahead of your petty desires to right whatever wrongs you feel were done to you. Too late to fix those. It would be best for your children if you have a cordial relationship with their mom, so stop trying to make demands for specifically how your STBX speaks to you. You don't get to make all the rules. You're a piece of work.

Holy projection, Batman!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, op, I’ve noticed that many men regard women as “lashing out” when they express any form of anger.
Just recently we had a bad experience with a Lowes subcontractor. I wanted to sort it out that day and my husband wanted to “give them time”. He wasn’t at the house to talk to the vendor and see just how bad the subcontractor was (it was a consult so no physical damage for him to see), and I wanted to let Lowes know how terrible their sub was, and that if Lowes would like to keep our business, I needed another contractor.

He and I argued some, and I do remember me saying “If you don’t want to get this done, let’s sell the f**cking house”.
That woke him up and we went to Lowes.

I became concerned when the guy at Lowes tried to tell me I couldn’t write a bad review because if I did, it would trickle down to him. The guy was great, switched us to another sub, but I wanted Lowes management to know what was going on. Its not 1980, writing gets more attention, and well, it was my right to write about an experience I had with one of their subs.

On the way home, my husband said I was being b**chy for threatening to write a bad review.
I thought about that some, and the next day I told him that I’ve discovered writing publicly about an experence gets a lot of positive attention, note, I wasn’t asking for free anything. I also didn’t think it was appropriate for a business to try and silence me. I told him that if the guy got fired because of a bad review (a review where I also praised him for assigning us to another sub), that was a screwed up culture, but that it wasn’t my problem. I told my husband thad that this was all in the context of business, it wasn’t like I was mad at my kid’s boyfriend who just happened to work at Lowes, or that a friend in his off time had suggested a contractor and the friend just happned to work at Lowes, this was all in the context of business I was trying to do with Lowes. I explained to my husband that I wouldnt be silenced nor would I do business with a company that thought silencing me (I was the only woman around) was appropriate.

All this got him to see my point.

I strongly believe that had my husband and his brother gone to Lowes, he’d not have said a word if his brother had said “you know, I need to publicly review this place”. Men don’t usually do that to each other.

All this to say, Im not convinced your wife can’t control her emotions, you simply don’t like it when she speaks loudly or says anything you don’t want to hear or that may make your life difficult.

I see that she’s an ex, or almost one, and either way, you’ve ended the relationship. So long as she isn’t destroying your property or witholding the kids, you don’t get to tell her to only use nice words. This isn’t third grade.
If you need to, get a very rigid custody plan and maybe even a paretning cordinator involved. You’re allowed to do that.

Holy smokes. Way to make this all about you.

Also, you're not convinced based on what? Your own life? Stereotypes? Good lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through a divorce. STBX says she’s “trying to be nice” for the children and that I should “make the effort too.” I don’t even know how to respond to that since she’s the one who cannot control her emotions and lashes out constantly and burns everything down around her. Her temper is just one of the many reasons I filed for divorce.

You say or write back: absolutely.

Then get on with your day.

[Anonymous]

I would respond that my aim is to be fair and civil. That may or may not fit her definition of "nice", but I think it is what you owe each other and the children.

[Anonymous]

OP, I believe you. My ex is also NPD.

The thing is, you can’t reason with them. They aren’t capable of it. The more you try to call them out, argue your point of view, explain things, etc, the more entrenched they become and often the angrier they get. And, they thrive off of getting a reaction from you.

The only thing you can do is keep things brief and breezy. Ignore anything that isn’t directly related to the kids’ needs right there and then. For example, Coordinating pickups is fine, discussing custody schedules or agreeing to “be nice” is not. Everything else can be discussed via email, or ideally, your attorneys. If you get an email asking for something like being nice or a birthday party, ignore ignore ignore. She’ll escalate things, just continue to ignore.

Boundaries are about actions. Speak with your actions, not your words. Saying “I won’t communicate with you if you use that tone” is not effective. Ignoring ALL communication (unless time-sensitive) is. Talking about hiring a divorce attorney just stirs her up because she knows you’re upset. Keep quiet and just hire the attorney.

It helps me to think of mental illness as a physical illness like uncontrollable diarrhea. Arguing with someone that they’re getting sh!t all over me, they need to control their sphincter better, now I’m going to have to clean it up, why should I clean up their mess, etc doesn’t actually do anything. If someone’s crapping all over me, I need to stop talking about how they should stop crapping on me and just leave the freaking room instead.

Also look into Gray Rock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I believe you. My ex is also NPD.

The thing is, you can’t reason with them. They aren’t capable of it. The more you try to call them out, argue your point of view, explain things, etc, the more entrenched they become and often the angrier they get. And, they thrive off of getting a reaction from you.

The only thing you can do is keep things brief and breezy. Ignore anything that isn’t directly related to the kids’ needs right there and then. For example, Coordinating pickups is fine, discussing custody schedules or agreeing to “be nice” is not. Everything else can be discussed via email, or ideally, your attorneys. If you get an email asking for something like being nice or a birthday party, ignore ignore ignore. She’ll escalate things, just continue to ignore.

Boundaries are about actions. Speak with your actions, not your words. Saying “I won’t communicate with you if you use that tone” is not effective. Ignoring ALL communication (unless time-sensitive) is. Talking about hiring a divorce attorney just stirs her up because she knows you’re upset. Keep quiet and just hire the attorney.

It helps me to think of mental illness as a physical illness like uncontrollable diarrhea. Arguing with someone that they’re getting sh!t all over me, they need to control their sphincter better, now I’m going to have to clean it up, why should I clean up their mess, etc doesn’t actually do anything. If someone’s crapping all over me, I need to stop talking about how they should stop crapping on me and just leave the freaking room instead.

Yes.

Also look into Gray Rock.

Yes.