I Don’t Even Know How to Answer This

[Anonymous]

Going through a divorce. STBX says she’s “trying to be nice” for the children and that I should “make the effort too.” I don’t even know how to respond to that since she’s the one who cannot control her emotions and lashes out constantly and burns everything down around her. Her temper is just one of the many reasons I filed for divorce.

[Anonymous]

You need to do what’s best for the children, not for her. If being nice is best for the children make the effort and try to compartmentalize your feelings.

[Anonymous]

You answer it by saying, ok, you’re right. This is a really stressful time and we can try to make it less so by working together. To clarify expectations so we don’t have any miscommunications — ie you’re trying and I’m missing it — do you want to tell me what you’re putting effort into specifically and what you would like, and I’ll do the same?

On your list of what you’re putting effort into put “being patient, not losing my temper or lashing out — speaking in a low voice when upset” or whatever it is.

[Anonymous]

The problem comes in with me asserting myself and setting boundaries that STBX doesn’t honor. So, for example, is she is being condescending or mean in either words or tone and I call her on it, I’m not bring nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through a divorce. STBX says she’s “trying to be nice” for the children and that I should “make the effort too.” I don’t even know how to respond to that since she’s the one who cannot control her emotions and lashes out constantly and burns everything down around her. Her temper is just one of the many reasons I filed for divorce.

Just say, great, yes, everyone should be kind.

So she said this during or right after lashing out?

Or are you refusing to hit the reset button so every time you see her you bring up a lash out in the past?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem comes in with me asserting myself and setting boundaries that STBX doesn’t honor. So, for example, is she is being condescending or mean in either words or tone and I call her on it, I’m not bring nice.

Neither of you should be acting juvenile. That is never the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem comes in with me asserting myself and setting boundaries that STBX doesn’t honor. So, for example, is she is being condescending or mean in either words or tone and I call her on it, I’m not bring nice.

You filed for divorce and want to also police her tone? Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

I think your divorce is still to raw to play nice.

Give yourselves both time to heal, then move on.

In the meantime think of your kids and empathize with what they are going through right now.
Effectively coparent as best as you can under the circumstances.
It will seem next to impossible to accomplish and you will need to learn the art of a true compromise.

But you owe it to your children.
Wishing you all the best. 🌞

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem comes in with me asserting myself and setting boundaries that STBX doesn’t honor. So, for example, is she is being condescending or mean in either words or tone and I call her on it, I’m not bring nice.

I know the type, OP. Just ignore her. She's trying ( and succeeding in goading you into an argument or raising your temper). Ignore these attempts and just agree with her that yes we all should put our best forward for th e children and then change the subject or stop the call, text etc.

If that doesn't work only communicate during mediation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem comes in with me asserting myself and setting boundaries that STBX doesn’t honor. So, for example, is she is being condescending or mean in either words or tone and I call her on it, I’m not bring nice.

[Anonymous]

Based on your posts, OP, I’m pretty sure I know what she’s taking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem comes in with me asserting myself and setting boundaries that STBX doesn’t honor. So, for example, is she is being condescending or mean in either words or tone and I call her on it, I’m not bring nice.

+1 to the eye roll. OP, you filed for divorce. Stop trying to tone police or expect her to make any changes to suit you. You ended the relationship, so stop trying to force her to change to be the person you wished she was. You don't get to demand she changes her behavior now. You also don't get to deny her the ability to process this and it's not always going to be on your terms.

Grow up and put your children ahead of your petty desires to right whatever wrongs you feel were done to you. Too late to fix those. It would be best for your children if you have a cordial relationship with their mom, so stop trying to make demands for specifically how your STBX speaks to you. You don't get to make all the rules. You're a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem comes in with me asserting myself and setting boundaries that STBX doesn’t honor. So, for example, is she is being condescending or mean in either words or tone and I call her on it, I’m not bring nice.

Ignore when she is being condescending. Just don’t react.
—advice from the XW of a narcissist

[Anonymous]

You can't answer it. People who are overly emotional or overreact are not down to earth. They are not reasonable. Whatever is wrong is never on them, it's always someone else.

Tough situation to be in. But, there is no answer until they can look in the mirror and realize they are part of the issue.

[Anonymous]

If you are smart, you'll be running a recorder every time she is in the same room as you. Years later, if you ever doubt why you got a divorce, you can listen to those recordings.