I Don’t Even Know How to Answer This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I believe you. My ex is also NPD.

The thing is, you can’t reason with them. They aren’t capable of it. The more you try to call them out, argue your point of view, explain things, etc, the more entrenched they become and often the angrier they get. And, they thrive off of getting a reaction from you.

The only thing you can do is keep things brief and breezy. Ignore anything that isn’t directly related to the kids’ needs right there and then. For example, Coordinating pickups is fine, discussing custody schedules or agreeing to “be nice” is not. Everything else can be discussed via email, or ideally, your attorneys. If you get an email asking for something like being nice or a birthday party, ignore ignore ignore. She’ll escalate things, just continue to ignore.

Boundaries are about actions. Speak with your actions, not your words. Saying “I won’t communicate with you if you use that tone” is not effective. Ignoring ALL communication (unless time-sensitive) is. Talking about hiring a divorce attorney just stirs her up because she knows you’re upset. Keep quiet and just hire the attorney.

It helps me to think of mental illness as a physical illness like uncontrollable diarrhea. Arguing with someone that they’re getting sh!t all over me, they need to control their sphincter better, now I’m going to have to clean it up, why should I clean up their mess, etc doesn’t actually do anything. If someone’s crapping all over me, I need to stop talking about how they should stop crapping on me and just leave the freaking room instead.

Yes.

Also look into Gray Rock.

Yes.

Good stuff.

While divorcing my ASd/bipolar spouse, my therapist told me similar things: you wouldn’t walk into an Insane Asylum and start trying to convince the guy who thought he was Jesus that he wasn’t. Waste of energy! Time! Mind!

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Save your energy for your kids and yourself.

[Anonymous]

She didn't ask you a question. Therefore, you don't need to respond.

[Anonymous]

As a rule, I don't believe any posters on this site, male or female, who lead off with "he's a jerk"/"she has a bad temper" and then upgrade to "diagnosed NPD/BDP" in the second or third post. Just feels like trying to pull the crowd back to your side with an escalation of the "facts."

That said, if your biggest problem with your STBX is that they say things you don't know how to respond to like "we should be civil" then you're doing fine. Agree and move on. Stop trying to win arguments, stop trying to have her agree with your assessment of her character. Keep it short, keep it civil, and keep it moving. And keep your kids in the front of your mind, because eventually she will be in the rearview mirror but they should always be in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I believe you. My ex is also NPD.

The thing is, you can’t reason with them. They aren’t capable of it. The more you try to call them out, argue your point of view, explain things, etc, the more entrenched they become and often the angrier they get. And, they thrive off of getting a reaction from you.

The only thing you can do is keep things brief and breezy. Ignore anything that isn’t directly related to the kids’ needs right there and then. For example, Coordinating pickups is fine, discussing custody schedules or agreeing to “be nice” is not. Everything else can be discussed via email, or ideally, your attorneys. If you get an email asking for something like being nice or a birthday party, ignore ignore ignore. She’ll escalate things, just continue to ignore.

Boundaries are about actions. Speak with your actions, not your words. Saying “I won’t communicate with you if you use that tone” is not effective. Ignoring ALL communication (unless time-sensitive) is. Talking about hiring a divorce attorney just stirs her up because she knows you’re upset. Keep quiet and just hire the attorney.

It helps me to think of mental illness as a physical illness like uncontrollable diarrhea. Arguing with someone that they’re getting sh!t all over me, they need to control their sphincter better, now I’m going to have to clean it up, why should I clean up their mess, etc doesn’t actually do anything. If someone’s crapping all over me, I need to stop talking about how they should stop crapping on me and just leave the freaking room instead.

Also look into Gray Rock.

What I tend to do, PP, is as you suggest:

1. I will usually tell STBX I will only communicate via email if she is being nasty or insulting. I then cutoff all contact.
2. I've quietly hired an attorney and kept it on the down low.
3. I did tell her the other day when she started in on wanting a big 50th birthday party, why she wants that when she told me a month ago she wants a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a rule, I don't believe any posters on this site, male or female, who lead off with "he's a jerk"/"she has a bad temper" and then upgrade to "diagnosed NPD/BDP" in the second or third post. Just feels like trying to pull the crowd back to your side with an escalation of the "facts."

That said, if your biggest problem with your STBX is that they say things you don't know how to respond to like "we should be civil" then you're doing fine. Agree and move on. Stop trying to win arguments, stop trying to have her agree with your assessment of her character. Keep it short, keep it civil, and keep it moving. And keep your kids in the front of your mind, because eventually she will be in the rearview mirror but they should always be in your life.

hard
1+. OP, I think PPs are jumping on you because you seem to be working so hard to right wrongs, or somehow come out of this as the "good guy." But put aside who is wrong or right, or whether someone is being civil or not, WHY DO YOU CARE? You are (hopefully) ending this relationship. Your partner's tone or comments are irrelevant. Just say "yes" or "nope" or "I'll need to talk to my lawyer." If you are over this you are over this. But you don't sound over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I believe you. My ex is also NPD.

The thing is, you can’t reason with them. They aren’t capable of it. The more you try to call them out, argue your point of view, explain things, etc, the more entrenched they become and often the angrier they get. And, they thrive off of getting a reaction from you.

The only thing you can do is keep things brief and breezy. Ignore anything that isn’t directly related to the kids’ needs right there and then. For example, Coordinating pickups is fine, discussing custody schedules or agreeing to “be nice” is not. Everything else can be discussed via email, or ideally, your attorneys. If you get an email asking for something like being nice or a birthday party, ignore ignore ignore. She’ll escalate things, just continue to ignore.

Boundaries are about actions. Speak with your actions, not your words. Saying “I won’t communicate with you if you use that tone” is not effective. Ignoring ALL communication (unless time-sensitive) is. Talking about hiring a divorce attorney just stirs her up because she knows you’re upset. Keep quiet and just hire the attorney.

It helps me to think of mental illness as a physical illness like uncontrollable diarrhea. Arguing with someone that they’re getting sh!t all over me, they need to control their sphincter better, now I’m going to have to clean it up, why should I clean up their mess, etc doesn’t actually do anything. If someone’s crapping all over me, I need to stop talking about how they should stop crapping on me and just leave the freaking room instead.

Also look into Gray Rock.

What I tend to do, PP, is as you suggest:

1. I will usually tell STBX I will only communicate via email if she is being nasty or insulting. I then cutoff all contact.
2. I've quietly hired an attorney and kept it on the down low.
3. I did tell her the other day when she started in on wanting a big 50th birthday party, why she wants that when she told me a month ago she wants a divorce.

Stop with the saying "I will only communicate via email if you are rude" and just communicate via email. Don't explain it, she literally can't understand. If she texts, just respond "can you send this to me via email? thanks".

Don't ask why she wants a party if she's asking for a divorce. She probably can't even give you an answer. Ignore the requests.

Are you still living together? You need to move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem comes in with me asserting myself and setting boundaries that STBX doesn’t honor. So, for example, is she is being condescending or mean in either words or tone and I call her on it, I’m not bring nice.

Make sure she's not sending you those so she has proof to pull out in court that SHE'S the one that has to tip toe around YOUR anger issues and SHE'S the mature one who's really trying by initiating that text.

[Anonymous]

If I shared the texts it would clearly be evident who has to walk on eggshells.