Should Mother-in-Law Have Asked for Ticket?

[Anonymous]

It’s been ten years and you’re still impacted by this? I’m not normally one to suggest therapy but I strongly suggest therapy. People have different relationships with different people. You need to stop comparing the relationship your immediate family has to the relationship tour MIL has with your husbands siblings and their families. And you need to stop spending other people’s money in your head. People are allowed to spend their money however they choose to. You absolutely should have paid for her ticket for her to come help you. She may not have that in her budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was over ten years ago, so I know that I am being ridiculous to be still thinking about it. No, there was no unusual hit to the finances and she has continued with their current lifestyle over the intervening years, although advancing age has slowed down the vacationing a bit. And yes, they have expected us to pick up the check for dinners, even ones that they initiated. The worst part is that she has paid for college for two of the grandchildren (the ones with the worst grades and forays into drugs and huge, expensive tattoos) and not helped at all with the other four grandchildren's education. My husband has said that he doesn't want her money, since we can pay for college ourselves. However, for his brother, it was a different situation. Their son had to go to an in-state college rather than his dream school because his parents couldn't cover that tuition. And the grandparents didn't offer any sort of help in that situation when they certainly could have helped. I know I sound bitter. I have seen tears in my husband's eyes after some of the things they do, and he is a pretty stoic person. We have paid for nearly all the meals when we go out as a family. However, once at the Nordstrom's Cafe, his mother got to the head of the line first at the checkout. He saw her paying and started to walk away, assuming that she had included the entire family, as we do. Nope. She paid for herself and her husband, as well as the favored daughter and her kids. She left out my husband, myself, and our kids. I felt so badly for him. My parents never did anything like that to him.

OP, this sort of thing always stings and the DCUM crowd will come out in droves to tell you it isn't your money so not your business to have an opinion or feeling about how it is spent. After years of watching threads devolve in this way, I am convinced that these are either the siblings/grandkids who are getting the preferential treatment, or the kind of people for whom always paying their own way is a point of pride and they look down upon those who are on the receiving end of gifts.

Favoritism stings and creates rifts and hurt within families that never ends. I am sure when these grandparents pass, they will leave unequal amounts to those favored children and grands and the resentment will surface again. All you can do is show your own children a different way and spend less time and energy on the people who will continue to shortchange your side of the family. Your kids will eventually feel it too and you want to protect them from that hurt your husband is feeling.

PP, you forgot about people who prefer to not give other people negative real estate in their heads and lives, and have learned that expecting things of people, like their money and time, only leads to your own anger and disappointment.

OP has spent TEN YEARS (10!) stewing about an airplane ticket. Yes, it’s the symbol of what sounds like a whole dysfunctional relationship, but imagine the negative energy it’s sucked into of her life in that time. The amount of time of looking over SILs shoulders, worried that they got free childcare vs. appreciating the fact that MIL came at all. Comparing notes on gifts and money, instead of DOING something about it.

Yes it hurts, but there’s a point where you have to stop putting your hand to the fire and feeling hurt that the fire is hot. Trust me, MIL aren’t the SIL aren’t losing a wink of sleep over any of this, much less 10 minutes time so it could be typed out 10 years later on DCUM.

So, OP can be hurt, but it’s not serving her any purpose other than taking time away from what could be a happier life.

Of course the favored child who is getting all attention and support isn't losing sleep over it. It sounds like the other family (the brother who could have used the help with college tuition) likely feels as slighted, so OP is probably not alone in her feelings on the subject. She's also given us three examples here - the plane ticket, the college paid for on the druggie grandkids and the meal where granny paid for one family and not the other. There are likely decades worth of the same sorts of things happening with this grandparent, so it isn't unreasonable for OP to feel hurt by it. I think folks are gaslighting OP here by trying to act as if she is the one with the problem. The grandmother is the problem. OP, all you can do is protect yourself and your kids from further harm by this dynamic by reducing interactions. This grandmother won't ever stop what she is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s been ten years and you’re still impacted by this? I’m not normally one to suggest therapy but I strongly suggest therapy. People have different relationships with different people. You need to stop comparing the relationship your immediate family has to the relationship tour MIL has with your husbands siblings and their families. And you need to stop spending other people’s money in your head. People are allowed to spend their money however they choose to. You absolutely should have paid for her ticket for her to come help you. She may not have that in her budget.

OP has told us that the MIL has lots of money and spends extravagantly otherwise. So, sure, the MIL can spend her money how she chooses, but OP is not a fool for noticing that MIL is never willing to spend her money on one son (her DH) but is willing to spend her money on other siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was over ten years ago, so I know that I am being ridiculous to be still thinking about it. No, there was no unusual hit to the finances and she has continued with their current lifestyle over the intervening years, although advancing age has slowed down the vacationing a bit. And yes, they have expected us to pick up the check for dinners, even ones that they initiated. The worst part is that she has paid for college for two of the grandchildren (the ones with the worst grades and forays into drugs and huge, expensive tattoos) and not helped at all with the other four grandchildren's education. My husband has said that he doesn't want her money, since we can pay for college ourselves. However, for his brother, it was a different situation. Their son had to go to an in-state college rather than his dream school because his parents couldn't cover that tuition. And the grandparents didn't offer any sort of help in that situation when they certainly could have helped. I know I sound bitter. I have seen tears in my husband's eyes after some of the things they do, and he is a pretty stoic person. We have paid for nearly all the meals when we go out as a family. However, once at the Nordstrom's Cafe, his mother got to the head of the line first at the checkout. He saw her paying and started to walk away, assuming that she had included the entire family, as we do. Nope. She paid for herself and her husband, as well as the favored daughter and her kids. She left out my husband, myself, and our kids. I felt so badly for him. My parents never did anything like that to him.

OP, this sort of thing always stings and the DCUM crowd will come out in droves to tell you it isn't your money so not your business to have an opinion or feeling about how it is spent. After years of watching threads devolve in this way, I am convinced that these are either the siblings/grandkids who are getting the preferential treatment, or the kind of people for whom always paying their own way is a point of pride and they look down upon those who are on the receiving end of gifts.

Favoritism stings and creates rifts and hurt within families that never ends. I am sure when these grandparents pass, they will leave unequal amounts to those favored children and grands and the resentment will surface again. All you can do is show your own children a different way and spend less time and energy on the people who will continue to shortchange your side of the family. Your kids will eventually feel it too and you want to protect them from that hurt your husband is feeling.

PP, you forgot about people who prefer to not give other people negative real estate in their heads and lives, and have learned that expecting things of people, like their money and time, only leads to your own anger and disappointment.

OP has spent TEN YEARS (10!) stewing about an airplane ticket. Yes, it’s the symbol of what sounds like a whole dysfunctional relationship, but imagine the negative energy it’s sucked into of her life in that time. The amount of time of looking over SILs shoulders, worried that they got free childcare vs. appreciating the fact that MIL came at all. Comparing notes on gifts and money, instead of DOING something about it.

Yes it hurts, but there’s a point where you have to stop putting your hand to the fire and feeling hurt that the fire is hot. Trust me, MIL aren’t the SIL aren’t losing a wink of sleep over any of this, much less 10 minutes time so it could be typed out 10 years later on DCUM.

So, OP can be hurt, but it’s not serving her any purpose other than taking time away from what could be a happier life.

Of course the favored child who is getting all attention and support isn't losing sleep over it. It sounds like the other family (the brother who could have used the help with college tuition) likely feels as slighted, so OP is probably not alone in her feelings on the subject. She's also given us three examples here - the plane ticket, the college paid for on the druggie grandkids and the meal where granny paid for one family and not the other. There are likely decades worth of the same sorts of things happening with this grandparent, so it isn't unreasonable for OP to feel hurt by it. I think folks are gaslighting OP here by trying to act as if she is the one with the problem. The grandmother is the problem. OP, all you can do is protect yourself and your kids from further harm by this dynamic by reducing interactions. This grandmother won't ever stop what she is doing.

Op needs to let her husband deal with this. None of this impacts her at all. If her husband is unhappy about the different way they are all treated then it’s his business to fix it or be done with it. I don’t see how this is OP’s business.

[Anonymous]

OP here, again. I guess it is more my husband's problem than mine, but it does impact my children as well. It's true that the "ticket incident" happened ten years ago, and I admit that I should just move on for my mental health. Mainly, I don't think about it. Until we see her again, and she engages yet again in the same behavior. And that is what made me think about this again. Unfortunately, we can't avoid them entirely. My husband still loves his parents and, I think, hopes that things will change. I know they won't, but it is hard to kind of give up on your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, again. I guess it is more my husband's problem than mine, but it does impact my children as well. It's true that the "ticket incident" happened ten years ago, and I admit that I should just move on for my mental health. Mainly, I don't think about it. Until we see her again, and she engages yet again in the same behavior. And that is what made me think about this again. Unfortunately, we can't avoid them entirely. My husband still loves his parents and, I think, hopes that things will change. I know they won't, but it is hard to kind of give up on your parents.

So why do you see her? I mean, she lives a plane ride away, so it’s not like she’s dropping in unexpectedly.

Set some boundaries for yourself and your children. It’s not “giving up” to set clear boundaries dairies when your mental health and safety is at stake. Your husband can fly out to see her, FaceTime, etc.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that she expects a son to pay for himself but not a daughter? She is from a different generation, is that it?

[Anonymous]

Hmmm, I never thought about that. But there are female grandchildren among the disfavored ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we had our second child, we asked my husband's mother if she could come for a few days to watch our four-year-old while we were at the hospital. She had gone to visit her other children when they had babies and done the same thing. She agreed, but then asked us to send her a plane ticket. She had not made that request of her other two children in similar situations. It was not a matter of finances because she and her husband are quite wealthy -- millions in savings, large, paid-for home, two months a year vacationing in the Caribbean, new cars every few years, large amounts spent on jewelry and gambling trips to Las Vegas. At that point, they were significantly better off than we were. We sent her the ticket, but we were a bit hurt. We couldn't imagine ourselves asking our children to do that and would most likely leap at the chance to see a new grandchild. Was it our responsibility to send her a ticket? Are we just jerks? It did hurt a bit from an emotional standpoint, but maybe it was our responsibility to pay for her trip and we are clueless?

Question is did your HUSBAND ask his mother? When you say "we" I cannot imagine your husband asking his mother to come help and her telling HIM to pay for her ticket.

[Anonymous]

My husband talked to her. She definitely asked him to buy the ticket. I didn’t understand why he had a hurt look on his face until he told me afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not about the money since they're well off.

YOU need the help. YOU can get the ticket and pay for it.

She's already giving you 4 days of babysitting. I bet she's older and enjoying her retirement. After all you could have hired a babysitter ...

Young parents don't seem to understand that GRANDPARENT already raised their kids. They're also OLD! It's hard to look after toddlers, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband talked to her. She definitely asked him to buy the ticket. I didn’t understand why he had a hurt look on his face until he told me afterwards.

If that's the case then you and your in-laws do not have a good relationship. Because it's not about the money. It's about the time, energy, and effort to take care of small children. I'm sure there are other things at play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband talked to her. She definitely asked him to buy the ticket. I didn’t understand why he had a hurt look on his face until he told me afterwards.

When’s the last time you guys just called to chat, without needing money or help?

[Anonymous]

Did the parents of the grandkids who got help or the grandkids themselves ask for the help? And the ones who didn't, didn't?

[Anonymous]

We have never asked his parents for anything during our marriage, except for babysitting our four-year-old for three days. She watched television and fed him cereal for meals. We were desperate at that moment, and that is why we asked. Yes, my husband’s brother did ask for some help with college since they could cover some, but not all, of the tuition. They refused and told them he could go in-state, which he did.