Should Mother-in-Law Have Asked for Ticket?

[Anonymous]

When we had our second child, we asked my husband's mother if she could come for a few days to watch our four-year-old while we were at the hospital. She had gone to visit her other children when they had babies and done the same thing. She agreed, but then asked us to send her a plane ticket. She had not made that request of her other two children in similar situations. It was not a matter of finances because she and her husband are quite wealthy -- millions in savings, large, paid-for home, two months a year vacationing in the Caribbean, new cars every few years, large amounts spent on jewelry and gambling trips to Las Vegas. At that point, they were significantly better off than we were. We sent her the ticket, but we were a bit hurt. We couldn't imagine ourselves asking our children to do that and would most likely leap at the chance to see a new grandchild. Was it our responsibility to send her a ticket? Are we just jerks? It did hurt a bit from an emotional standpoint, but maybe it was our responsibility to pay for her trip and we are clueless?

[Anonymous]

I would be annoyed. It reminds me of when my wealthy ILs wait for DH to pick up the check every single time we go to dinner. It feels like a test. A treat every once in a while, yes. My own parents would be appalled to think their children HAD to pay for their meal. They prefer the one to be treating.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a poor relationship with her? (You, as the DIL?)

[Anonymous]

Maybe their finances have taken a hit that you are unaware of.

[Anonymous]

Do you know for a fact she didn’t ask this of her other kids? Try to take a step back and think how you and DH come across- do you ask for her help a lot/more than the other siblings? Could she have other expenses you don’t know about? I’m not saying her asking you to pay is right or wrong. Just wondering if she might feel unappreciated (whether it’s warranted or not). FWIW, I would be taken aback, too.

[Anonymous]

Generally speaking you can't expect to have a say in the finances of your inlaws and you you are the ones asking for some help so on that level it doesn't seem egregious. However from any emotional standpoint it seems absurd. I can't imagine someone in my family doing that. Honestly I would have taken it as a not-subtle message that she didn't want to do it.

[Anonymous]

I would be taken aback by the different treatment among the siblings. Were the other siblings in driving distance though?

[Anonymous]

It is strange if they are wealthy but understandable if you don’t have a good relationship with her. My mother has flown in a couple of times to help us out and I always offer to pay for the ticket and she always refuses. They have plenty of money but as a common courtesy I always make the offer. You should try that next time.

[Anonymous]

We've always paid for the flight when Mom comes to babysit for us. I don't think she'd ask if we didn't offer, but she does always accept.

[Anonymous]

What makes it offensive IMO is that she paid her own way to see the other grandkids. Was there anything different with those visits? E.g., is this more of a "helping" visit vs a vacation? Did FIL accompany her on the other trips?

If it was all the same, and she asked you to pay but not the others, I would be pissed.

[Anonymous]

My MIL expects us to pay her way a lot, even though she is better off financially than we are. She is recently divorced from FIL and I think it's because she has just never paid for things like plane tickets, meals out, etc (she never worked outside the home, so FIL paid for everything for their whole marriage). However, she is the same with all her kids, so it doesn't offend me, although it sometimes irritates me.

It's the differential treatment among the kids that seems problematic here.

[Anonymous]

How long ago was this?

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s the process of buying a ticket and figuring out the schedule that she needed help with?

[Anonymous]

I would definitely offer to cover the ticket if it was explicitly a babysitting trip that you requested - I have done this in the past with my younger sister, for instance. I think if you requested it, it's reasonable that you would pay. However, it's surprising that she asked you for the ticket and not the other siblings. Why do you think that is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s the process of buying a ticket and figuring out the schedule that she needed help with?

This. Honestly, as my mom gets older she needs more help doing things that she was formerly capable of (buying things on line, travelling by herself, remembering shit).

Regardless, you don't know what is going on with her finances. Or if her other kids gave her money. I can't imagine asking my siblings if my parents asked them for money to buy a ticket. Hell to the no. You must be a troll.