Should Mother-in-Law Have Asked for Ticket?

[Anonymous]

It's not about the money since they're well off.

YOU need the help. YOU can get the ticket and pay for it.

She's already giving you 4 days of babysitting. I bet she's older and enjoying her retirement. After all you could have hired a babysitter ...

[Anonymous]

How do you know she didn’t ask the other siblings for a free ticket?

[Anonymous]

This was over ten years ago, so I know that I am being ridiculous to be still thinking about it. No, there was no unusual hit to the finances and she has continued with their current lifestyle over the intervening years, although advancing age has slowed down the vacationing a bit. And yes, they have expected us to pick up the check for dinners, even ones that they initiated. The worst part is that she has paid for college for two of the grandchildren (the ones with the worst grades and forays into drugs and huge, expensive tattoos) and not helped at all with the other four grandchildren's education. My husband has said that he doesn't want her money, since we can pay for college ourselves. However, for his brother, it was a different situation. Their son had to go to an in-state college rather than his dream school because his parents couldn't cover that tuition. And the grandparents didn't offer any sort of help in that situation when they certainly could have helped. I know I sound bitter. I have seen tears in my husband's eyes after some of the things they do, and he is a pretty stoic person. We have paid for nearly all the meals when we go out as a family. However, once at the Nordstrom's Cafe, his mother got to the head of the line first at the checkout. He saw her paying and started to walk away, assuming that she had included the entire family, as we do. Nope. She paid for herself and her husband, as well as the favored daughter and her kids. She left out my husband, myself, and our kids. I felt so badly for him. My parents never did anything like that to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was over ten years ago, so I know that I am being ridiculous to be still thinking about it. No, there was no unusual hit to the finances and she has continued with their current lifestyle over the intervening years, although advancing age has slowed down the vacationing a bit. And yes, they have expected us to pick up the check for dinners, even ones that they initiated. The worst part is that she has paid for college for two of the grandchildren (the ones with the worst grades and forays into drugs and huge, expensive tattoos) and not helped at all with the other four grandchildren's education. My husband has said that he doesn't want her money, since we can pay for college ourselves. However, for his brother, it was a different situation. Their son had to go to an in-state college rather than his dream school because his parents couldn't cover that tuition. And the grandparents didn't offer any sort of help in that situation when they certainly could have helped. I know I sound bitter. I have seen tears in my husband's eyes after some of the things they do, and he is a pretty stoic person. We have paid for nearly all the meals when we go out as a family. However, once at the Nordstrom's Cafe, his mother got to the head of the line first at the checkout. He saw her paying and started to walk away, assuming that she had included the entire family, as we do. Nope. She paid for herself and her husband, as well as the favored daughter and her kids. She left out my husband, myself, and our kids. I felt so badly for him. My parents never did anything like that to him.

OP, this sort of thing always stings and the DCUM crowd will come out in droves to tell you it isn't your money so not your business to have an opinion or feeling about how it is spent. After years of watching threads devolve in this way, I am convinced that these are either the siblings/grandkids who are getting the preferential treatment, or the kind of people for whom always paying their own way is a point of pride and they look down upon those who are on the receiving end of gifts.

Favoritism stings and creates rifts and hurt within families that never ends. I am sure when these grandparents pass, they will leave unequal amounts to those favored children and grands and the resentment will surface again. All you can do is show your own children a different way and spend less time and energy on the people who will continue to shortchange your side of the family. Your kids will eventually feel it too and you want to protect them from that hurt your husband is feeling.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP here. I forgot to answer a few questions. No, we didn't ask her for a lot of help. In fact, it was the only time that we have ever asked her for help because we didn't have any other options at the time. And yes, we do know that she didn't ask her other children to buy her a ticket. It makes me so angry and sad when I see how much she hurts my husband and the kids...buying presents for two of the grandchildren and presenting it to them in front of the four other grandchildren. My brother-in-law's children, who were younger at the time, would run off crying whenever she did that. My kids would just stand there almost in shock, which in some ways was worse. Yes, you are correct to assume that I don't have a good relationship with my in-laws. I tried at first since I had always gotten along with my ex-boyfriends' parents and assumed things would work out well. But I just can't fake liking them after they have done so many thoughtless things to my husband and children. I don't say anything, but I can imagine that they can read the look on my face.

[Anonymous]

You asked her to do a favor for you. You need to pay her way.

[Anonymous]

You asked her to come, you pay the ticket. Manners before finances.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of how long ago this was or your/their financial status yes, you asked him to come watch your children you at least offer to pay for the ticket.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I guess perhaps it was reasonable to pay for her ticket? I just can't imagine asking my children (when they are older) to do that, particularly if I am very well-off and they are young and just starting out. I would also be thrilled to see the grandchildren and would likely go to visit as soon as they would have me! I guess it may depend on how you were raised. My parents always tried to help me out as much as they could, even though they were solidly middle-class. We always have tried to do the same for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Oh my God,, just stop. She probably see you with your little calculator and notebook.tllying up all he sending an gifting. It's h money he can do whatever she wants with it. And if you don't want to pay for her stuff, don't. You seem to be forgetting you and your husband are grown adults and sham on you both for not protecting your children from her toxic behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess perhaps it was reasonable to pay for her ticket? I just can't imagine asking my children (when they are older) to do that, particularly if I am very well-off and they are young and just starting out. I would also be thrilled to see the grandchildren and would likely go to visit as soon as they would have me! I guess it may depend on how you were raised. My parents always tried to help me out as much as they could, even though they were solidly middle-class. We always have tried to do the same for our kids.

It sounds like there are a few grand children, so where would she draw the line. How many places does she need to visit to see all of her grandkids and how frequently is she expected to visit? It adds up. You need to pay her way because she is helping you out not the other way around. When you are a grandmother, your children will greatly appreciate it if you are in a situation to pay for your travel. But it should be expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess perhaps it was reasonable to pay for her ticket? I just can't imagine asking my children (when they are older) to do that, particularly if I am very well-off and they are young and just starting out. I would also be thrilled to see the grandchildren and would likely go to visit as soon as they would have me! I guess it may depend on how you were raised. My parents always tried to help me out as much as they could, even though they were solidly middle-class. We always have tried to do the same for our kids.

Your family is great, your rich in-laws are horrid. We get it. You are awesome and will be super star grandma and mother in law. 👏🏼👏🏼

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was over ten years ago, so I know that I am being ridiculous to be still thinking about it. No, there was no unusual hit to the finances and she has continued with their current lifestyle over the intervening years, although advancing age has slowed down the vacationing a bit. And yes, they have expected us to pick up the check for dinners, even ones that they initiated. The worst part is that she has paid for college for two of the grandchildren (the ones with the worst grades and forays into drugs and huge, expensive tattoos) and not helped at all with the other four grandchildren's education. My husband has said that he doesn't want her money, since we can pay for college ourselves. However, for his brother, it was a different situation. Their son had to go to an in-state college rather than his dream school because his parents couldn't cover that tuition. And the grandparents didn't offer any sort of help in that situation when they certainly could have helped. I know I sound bitter. I have seen tears in my husband's eyes after some of the things they do, and he is a pretty stoic person. We have paid for nearly all the meals when we go out as a family. However, once at the Nordstrom's Cafe, his mother got to the head of the line first at the checkout. He saw her paying and started to walk away, assuming that she had included the entire family, as we do. Nope. She paid for herself and her husband, as well as the favored daughter and her kids. She left out my husband, myself, and our kids. I felt so badly for him. My parents never did anything like that to him.

OP, this sort of thing always stings and the DCUM crowd will come out in droves to tell you it isn't your money so not your business to have an opinion or feeling about how it is spent. After years of watching threads devolve in this way, I am convinced that these are either the siblings/grandkids who are getting the preferential treatment, or the kind of people for whom always paying their own way is a point of pride and they look down upon those who are on the receiving end of gifts.

Favoritism stings and creates rifts and hurt within families that never ends. I am sure when these grandparents pass, they will leave unequal amounts to those favored children and grands and the resentment will surface again. All you can do is show your own children a different way and spend less time and energy on the people who will continue to shortchange your side of the family. Your kids will eventually feel it too and you want to protect them from that hurt your husband is feeling.

PP, you forgot about people who prefer to not give other people negative real estate in their heads and lives, and have learned that expecting things of people, like their money and time, only leads to your own anger and disappointment.

OP has spent TEN YEARS (10!) stewing about an airplane ticket. Yes, it’s the symbol of what sounds like a whole dysfunctional relationship, but imagine the negative energy it’s sucked into of her life in that time. The amount of time of looking over SILs shoulders, worried that they got free childcare vs. appreciating the fact that MIL came at all. Comparing notes on gifts and money, instead of DOING something about it.

Yes it hurts, but there’s a point where you have to stop putting your hand to the fire and feeling hurt that the fire is hot. Trust me, MIL aren’t the SIL aren’t losing a wink of sleep over any of this, much less 10 minutes time so it could be typed out 10 years later on DCUM.

So, OP can be hurt, but it’s not serving her any purpose other than taking time away from what could be a happier life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess perhaps it was reasonable to pay for her ticket? I just can't imagine asking my children (when they are older) to do that, particularly if I am very well-off and they are young and just starting out. I would also be thrilled to see the grandchildren and would likely go to visit as soon as they would have me! I guess it may depend on how you were raised. My parents always tried to help me out as much as they could, even though they were solidly middle-class. We always have tried to do the same for our kids.

There is no way on earth it was reasonable for your wealthy inlaws to ask you to pay for the ticket. I have been asked and offered to travel to help a relative and friends in times of need (birth, death, illness) and it has never once crossed my mind to ask the recipient of my help and support to pay for my travel.

Also, if I were you/your DH, I would never again pay a dime of my own money for a meal or outing for her. Ever.

DCUM groupthink on these subjects represents the worst of people, IMO.

[Anonymous]

We have taken steps to protect our children from her behavior, as has my husband's brother. My husband has asked her to give any gifts to the other grandchildren to them in private so that the other four grandkids wouldn't have to see it. When she wouldn't stop, we began limiting our interactions with them.