Childhood Friend Has Recently Contacted Me After 35+ Years

[Anonymous]

OP, embrace your preference. No need not give this further thought.

If you do (give this further thought), it's your fault for any pain this causes you.

[Anonymous]

I had a bully who still occupies some headspace. If she were ever to call and apologize I would probably say thank you and tell her to never contact me again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not being unreasonable. Just tell her you are unable to meet up. Say no and stick to it.

This is a perfectly ok thing to do.

+1. You don't owe her an explanation. "I'm too busy." If you already said yes, then say you can't meet, "something came up".

[Anonymous]

Ghost.

[Anonymous]

People don’t really change that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a fifty-two yr. old F.

I had a friend as a young girl, from about 2nd grade > 8th.
In a nutshell - she was a bully the entire time. Especially during our later yrs. as friends.
She was very popular with our peers and could get people to turn on me in a heartbeat. Which she did quite often.
She used this to her advantage time and time again. She used me to shoplift items for her for example, claiming that if I didn’t then she would spread rumors about me around school.
She used to steal my lunch every day at school and would use me to carry her (heavy!) textbooks home all the time, etc.

Of course, now at my age I can see how I could have….should have told her no. But at the ages especially of 12-13 I was afraid of her power over excluding me like a pariah with my peers.
Anyhow she contacted me last wknd and seemed delighted to finally reunite. She said she had horrible parents and that her home life was very abusive. She apologized briefly to me for anything bad she must have done as kids and said she wished she could take it all back.
She seemed very mature, kind and we laughed at a lot of the crazy kid things that we both used to do.

I know she is not the same person she used to be and that over time, she has matured and mellowed out.

However to be truthful the hurt still remains.
She is suggesting we meet up so we can reminisce about our “precious” childhood memories some more, but in all honesty I would rather not.
A lot of my memories with her are very painful and she hurt me a lot.

->> Am I bring unreasonable??

The bolded shows that you have not changed much

You don't know that she has changed. I bet you that she has not.

I would not go. Make up an excuse. Be polite and gracious. Accept her apology and truly forgive her. But I tell you, most people don't change much after 12. They really don't. The core of a person is usually already formed by this age. There are exceptions of course. But you don't owe this person a second chance. You are hesitating; don't go!

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t sound like a “friend”

[Anonymous]

That's tough OP--I'm sorry you had that experience with her and didn't have the tools you needed to extricate yourself from her orbit for so long.

My two cents is if it's super painful, then don't meet up, but if you think there's a chance of it providing healing (and it might) then do. You guys can talk about what happened, and it's possible it could be a really good and helpful experience for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People don’t really change that much.

uh, mature people do in fact change and grow over time. Perhaps that's something you should work on if you're still the same as you were when you were 12.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate your apology, which means you know that you hurt me. For that reason, I have absolutely no desire to reminisce with you. All of my memories associated with you are painful. There is no enjoyment for me in recalling them. I wish you well but have no interest in hearing from you again. Assuming you have changed enough to be aware of your hurtful behavior, Kindly respect my wishes to have no further contact.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate your apology, which means you know that you hurt me. For that reason, I have absolutely no desire to reminisce with you. All of my memories associated with you are painful. There is no enjoyment for me in recalling them. I wish you well but have no interest in hearing from you again. Assuming you have changed enough to be aware of your hurtful behavior, Kindly respect my wishes to have no further contact.”

Ouch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate your apology, which means you know that you hurt me. For that reason, I have absolutely no desire to reminisce with you. All of my memories associated with you are painful. There is no enjoyment for me in recalling them. I wish you well but have no interest in hearing from you again. Assuming you have changed enough to be aware of your hurtful behavior, Kindly respect my wishes to have no further contact.”

Ouch!

Childhood bullies seldom change. They just grow up and become adult bullies. It is in your best interest to cease any form of communication with this person and instead leave the past where it is best suited, in the past.
This person should have learned by now that what comes around definitely goes around. Sounds like this could be a full circle moment for you. A long time coming but better late than never.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a twelve stepper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody made you steal. And she didn’t steal your lunch every day. You gave it. You owe her nothing, but deal with your issues. She had issues. You did, too, clearly.

Good point. Now on Phase II of the bullying she’d want to conscript OP to engage in some kind of fraud for her and be the fall guy. Seeing as they’re friends and all. It worked before, right?

Every time someone I wasn’t really friends with from school contacts me out of nowhere, they end up trying to rope me into their MLM.

OP, please listen to the PP who asked “how many more years do you think you have?” She gave really good advice. Fill your limited time with things that matter. Don’t waste a moment on childhood bullies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perfectly fair to be "very busy with life" for a bit and feel her out over time, if you want. Sometimes people who are, hmm, very volatile (I am trying to avoiding specific diagnoses here) are very charming and convincing early on, but can't maintain it. That volatility and push-me-pull-you interaction often comes with a history of child abuse.

Why not see how it goes, if you have any tug to get reacquainted? Take it slow. Note whether she seems to respect boundaries or push them. Pay attention to whether she seems to pick up on any discomfort if you are feeling pushed and backs away, or if she makes you more uncomfortable.

Let it develop, if you go this route. Think old-fashioned train ride back to friendship, not jetspeed.

This is excellent advice for a relationship you care about continuing. For the person you describe, OP, this would be too much work for me. Do whatever will make you feel best and be good for your health.