Childhood Friend Has Recently Contacted Me After 35+ Years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a fifty-two yr. old F.

I had a friend as a young girl, from about 2nd grade > 8th.
In a nutshell - she was a bully the entire time. Especially during our later yrs. as friends.
She was very popular with our peers and could get people to turn on me in a heartbeat. Which she did quite often.
She used this to her advantage time and time again. She used me to shoplift items for her for example, claiming that if I didn’t then she would spread rumors about me around school.
She used to steal my lunch every day at school and would use me to carry her (heavy!) textbooks home all the time, etc.

Of course, now at my age I can see how I could have….should have told her no. But at the ages especially of 12-13 I was afraid of her power over excluding me like a pariah with my peers.
Anyhow she contacted me last wknd and seemed delighted to finally reunite. She said she had horrible parents and that her home life was very abusive. She apologized briefly to me for anything bad she must have done as kids and said she wished she could take it all back.
She seemed very mature, kind and we laughed at a lot of the crazy kid things that we both used to do.

I know she is not the same person she used to be and that over time, she has matured and mellowed out.

However to be truthful the hurt still remains.
She is suggesting we meet up so we can reminisce about our “precious” childhood memories some more, but in all honesty I would rather not.
A lot of my memories with her are very painful and she hurt me a lot.

->> Am I bring unreasonable??

I'm middle aged, nice, had friends who took advantage of me and tend to ruminate on the past too, so trust me, this is coming from a good place. You are 52. How many more years on earth do you think you have? You have no room for this person who was not good to you. I would jettison this person as part of my past and not give her or the part she played in your childhood another thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody made you steal. And she didn’t steal your lunch every day. You gave it. You owe her nothing, but deal with your issues. She had issues. You did, too, clearly.

OP Here,
Yes I clearly had my own issues at the time.

At that age, it was just tough for me to stand up to a bully. I was sooo afraid of people not liking/accepting me especially in Jr. High that I felt like I needed to do anything so that people would like me.
My greatest fear during my adolescence was being left out and/or completely ostracized from my peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody made you steal. And she didn’t steal your lunch every day. You gave it. You owe her nothing, but deal with your issues. She had issues. You did, too, clearly.

Good point. Now on Phase II of the bullying she’d want to conscript OP to engage in some kind of fraud for her and be the fall guy. Seeing as they’re friends and all. It worked before, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for contacting me! That was such an interesting conversation; it brought back a lot of memories. Unfortunately, my life is very full right now with [job, kids, other responsibilities] that I really don’t think it’s feasible to try to get together. I wish you well. Take care of yourself.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody made you steal. And she didn’t steal your lunch every day. You gave it. You owe her nothing, but deal with your issues. She had issues. You did, too, clearly.

Good point. Now on Phase II of the bullying she’d want to conscript OP to engage in some kind of fraud for her and be the fall guy. Seeing as they’re friends and all. It worked before, right?

Only if OP continues to get something from the relationship and comes back for more.

Hint: being a doormat isn’t the same as being “nice.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfectly fair to be "very busy with life" for a bit and feel her out over time, if you want. Sometimes people who are, hmm, very volatile (I am trying to avoiding specific diagnoses here) are very charming and convincing early on, but can't maintain it. That volatility and push-me-pull-you interaction often comes with a history of child abuse.

Why not see how it goes, if you have any tug to get reacquainted? Take it slow. Note whether she seems to respect boundaries or push them. Pay attention to whether she seems to pick up on any discomfort if you are feeling pushed and backs away, or if she makes you more uncomfortable.

Let it develop, if you go this route. Think old-fashioned train ride back to friendship, not jetspeed.

C’mon, She wasn’t OPs friend, she was OPs bully. OP does not owe this person anything,

Uh ... never said she did? But you apparently read that into it.

I said it's fine to just be too busy to engage. Nothing wrong with that. BUT OP is asking about what to do, and she said they were laughing together, and that the person seemed "mature" now. That's wavering. That's a bit wishy-washy. My point was NOT to say she owed anything to this person (reread what you responded to, PP, instead of responding to something that isn't there), but to say that if she was pulled in that direction, to be careful. I was warning her, not encouraging her.

especially after having stolen her lunch, forced her to carry her books and threatened to have her socially ostracized. It doesn’t matter that it happened when she was a kid. A leopard doesn’t change its spots, especially when it comes to falling back into old patterns with old acquaintances. OP, if you have a husband, children, friends, pets or assets you might want to lock them up. Anything is fair game for a “friend” like this.

And if OP decides to disregard this advice, I think she should at minimum take it very, very slow. People like that can't maintain a façade forever. The spots do come back out.

[Anonymous]

OP: did you both grow up to be lesbians?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah no. I’d tell her that actions have consequences and that to be honest you really don’t have fond memories of her. I’d wish her well but be clear you have no interest in getting to know her as an adult. If she is sincere she will completely understand and let you go on your way. If she is a narcissist or bipolar she will get angry, upset, try to argue or manipulate you.

+1. And that’s why when you let people like this down you have to do it gently. Become a person who is of no use to them. Act like you don’t have any money, you work long hours in a very low paying job and your hobbies are watching tv, reading about invasive vegetation and treating a chronic, contagious skin condition. Be a person who has nothing to offer her and she will go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: did you both grow up to be lesbians?

OP Here,
Random question (), but no.
Well at least for me, I am not sure for her.
We did not discuss sexuality when we spoke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfectly fair to be "very busy with life" for a bit and feel her out over time, if you want. Sometimes people who are, hmm, very volatile (I am trying to avoiding specific diagnoses here) are very charming and convincing early on, but can't maintain it. That volatility and push-me-pull-you interaction often comes with a history of child abuse.

Why not see how it goes, if you have any tug to get reacquainted? Take it slow. Note whether she seems to respect boundaries or push them. Pay attention to whether she seems to pick up on any discomfort if you are feeling pushed and backs away, or if she makes you more uncomfortable.

Let it develop, if you go this route. Think old-fashioned train ride back to friendship,not jetspeed.

C’mon, She wasn’t OPs friend, she was OPs bully. OP does not owe this person anything,

Uh ... never said she did? But you apparently read that into it.

I said it's fine to just be too busy to engage. Nothing wrong with that. BUT OP is asking about what to do, and she said they were laughing together, and that the person seemed "mature" now. That's wavering. That's a bit wishy-washy. My point was NOT to say she owed anything to this person (reread what you responded to, PP, instead of responding to something that isn't there), but to say that if she was pulled in that direction, to be careful. I was warning her, not encouraging her.

The bolded is what I replied to. Old fashioned train ride back to friendship. More like a one way ticket back to Hades in OP’s case.

[Anonymous]

When I was a child there was a peer who was a social pariah. She was being abused at home which all the girls knew but no one told an adult until 6th grade. She later found me on FB and I immediately apologized for how cruel we had been to her. She accepted and said I specifically had been nice and not really a perpetrator which was not my recollection. Anyway we still did not become friends and I was sad to see her adult life looks kinda isolated.

[Anonymous]

I had someone similar, not same story but left me hurt, contact me a few years ago. I left the ball in her court to set it up, I cancelled and never heard from her again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: did you both grow up to be lesbians?

OP Here,
Random question (), but no.
Well at least for me, I am not sure for her.
We did not discuss sexuality when we spoke.

Ugh, OP, that poster was being sarcastic. You seem very nice and like you would be a good friend. Protect yourself out there. You already know this old acquaintance is no good for you. Only share your precious time with those you trust and treat you well.

[Anonymous]

I think the major thing she needed to do was apologize- which she did, it her own way. She also provided some context, of her home life which was helpful, I hope for you understanding. I don’t see any reason to get together with her however. She needs to do her work to resolve her issues, but that is between her and her counselor. She doesn’t know who you are now, so agree with others, no reason to get together with her in person unless you would gain from telling her what you experienced based on her actions. That sometimes an be freeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfectly fair to be "very busy with life" for a bit and feel her out over time, if you want. Sometimes people who are, hmm, very volatile (I am trying to avoiding specific diagnoses here) are very charming and convincing early on, but can't maintain it. That volatility and push-me-pull-you interaction often comes with a history of child abuse.

Why not see how it goes, if you have any tug to get reacquainted? Take it slow. Note whether she seems to respect boundaries or push them. Pay attention to whether she seems to pick up on any discomfort if you are feeling pushed and backs away, or if she makes you more uncomfortable.

Let it develop, if you go this route. Think old-fashioned train ride back to friendship,not jetspeed.

C’mon, She wasn’t OPs friend, she was OPs bully. OP does not owe this person anything,

Uh ... never said she did? But you apparently read that into it.

I said it's fine to just be too busy to engage. Nothing wrong with that. BUT OP is asking about what to do, and she said they were laughing together, and that the person seemed "mature" now. That's wavering. That's a bit wishy-washy. My point was NOT to say she owed anything to this person (reread what you responded to, PP, instead of responding to something that isn't there), but to say that if she was pulled in that direction, to be careful. I was warning her, not encouraging her.

The bolded is what I replied to. Old fashioned train ride back to friendship. More like a one way ticket back to Hades in OP’s case.

There's always the option of taking it in context (see underlined), rather than fixating on something and giving it your own spin. Or not -- I'm not your mother. Do as you please.