Childhood Friend Has Recently Contacted Me After 35+ Years

[Anonymous]

I am a fifty-two yr. old F.

I had a friend as a young girl, from about 2nd grade > 8th.
In a nutshell - she was a bully the entire time. Especially during our later yrs. as friends.
She was very popular with our peers and could get people to turn on me in a heartbeat. Which she did quite often.
She used this to her advantage time and time again. She used me to shoplift items for her for example, claiming that if I didn’t then she would spread rumors about me around school.
She used to steal my lunch every day at school and would use me to carry her (heavy!) textbooks home all the time, etc.

Of course, now at my age I can see how I could have….should have told her no. But at the ages especially of 12-13 I was afraid of her power over excluding me like a pariah with my peers.
Anyhow she contacted me last wknd and seemed delighted to finally reunite. She said she had horrible parents and that her home life was very abusive. She apologized briefly to me for anything bad she must have done as kids and said she wished she could take it all back.
She seemed very mature, kind and we laughed at a lot of the crazy kid things that we both used to do.

I know she is not the same person she used to be and that over time, she has matured and mellowed out.

However to be truthful the hurt still remains.
She is suggesting we meet up so we can reminisce about our “precious” childhood memories some more, but in all honesty I would rather not.
A lot of my memories with her are very painful and she hurt me a lot.

->> Am I bring unreasonable??

[Anonymous]

You aren’t being unreasonable. I think you should do whatever you are comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

Completely. Had the same scenario play out recently around a high school reunion date. How she got my number I’ll never know. Was shocked to hear her voice on the other end of the phone acting like my dearest long lost friend! Hung up promptly and blocked her number, and all the old feelings came back that day. Not that they ever really go away.

[Anonymous]

You are not being unreasonable. Just tell her you are unable to meet up. Say no and stick to it.

This is a perfectly ok thing to do.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her you are sorry her home life was so terrible, and you forgive her, but you aren't comfortable with anything more right now. Especially with all the pandemic stress. Hard to pile on more feelings now

[Anonymous]

Thanks for contacting me! That was such an interesting conversation; it brought back a lot of memories. Unfortunately, my life is very full right now with [job, kids, other responsibilities] that I really don’t think it’s feasible to try to get together. I wish you well. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Perfectly fair to be "very busy with life" for a bit and feel her out over time, if you want. Sometimes people who are, hmm, very volatile (I am trying to avoiding specific diagnoses here) are very charming and convincing early on, but can't maintain it. That volatility and push-me-pull-you interaction often comes with a history of child abuse.

Why not see how it goes, if you have any tug to get reacquainted? Take it slow. Note whether she seems to respect boundaries or push them. Pay attention to whether she seems to pick up on any discomfort if you are feeling pushed and backs away, or if she makes you more uncomfortable.

Let it develop, if you go this route. Think old-fashioned train ride back to friendship, not jetspeed.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it. Who knows why she is reaching out, but it is all about her and nothing to do with making amends with you. No good can come from this for you, and you know this. Reclaim your powers. You have your second chance now to Just Say No.

[Anonymous]

PS: Also perfectly fine just to be too busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for contacting me! That was such an interesting conversation; it brought back a lot of memories. Unfortunately, my life is very full right now with [job, kids, other responsibilities] that I really don’t think it’s feasible to try to get together. I wish you well. Take care of yourself.

+1

[Anonymous]

It's a scar, why reopen old wound?

Sound like it's best for you to stay away from her for your mental health wellbeing.

Just say NO.

[Anonymous]

She wants to get together only because you share childhood memories, but yours pertaining to her are mostly bad. I'd be honest--say you appreciate her reaching out and the apology but you have no desire to relive a period in your life that was abusive.

[Anonymous]

Nobody made you steal. And she didn’t steal your lunch every day. You gave it. You owe her nothing, but deal with your issues. She had issues. You did, too, clearly.

[Anonymous]

Yeah no. I’d tell her that actions have consequences and that to be honest you really don’t have fond memories of her. I’d wish her well but be clear you have no interest in getting to know her as an adult. If she is sincere she will completely understand and let you go on your way. If she is a narcissist or bipolar she will get angry, upset, try to argue or manipulate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perfectly fair to be "very busy with life" for a bit and feel her out over time, if you want. Sometimes people who are, hmm, very volatile (I am trying to avoiding specific diagnoses here) are very charming and convincing early on, but can't maintain it. That volatility and push-me-pull-you interaction often comes with a history of child abuse.

Why not see how it goes, if you have any tug to get reacquainted? Take it slow. Note whether she seems to respect boundaries or push them. Pay attention to whether she seems to pick up on any discomfort if you are feeling pushed and backs away, or if she makes you more uncomfortable.

Let it develop, if you go this route. Think old-fashioned train ride back to friendship, not jetspeed.

C’mon, She wasn’t OPs friend, she was OPs bully. OP does not owe this person anything, especially after having stolen her lunch, forced her to carry her books and threatened to have her socially ostracized. It doesn’t matter that it happened when she was a kid. A leopard doesn’t change its spots, especially when it comes to falling back into old patterns with old acquaintances. OP, if you have a husband, children, friends, pets or assets you might want to lock them up. Anything is fair game for a “friend” like this.