Men staying in marriage “for the childcare”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I know a man kind of in this situation. He was a complete a$$ to his wife. I witnessed it many times.

They have an older teen, but the dad now has to figure out carpooling, cooking, grocery store shopping etc...

He used to complain that his wife did nothing at home, but now I think he's seeing just how much she did cause he's having to do it all by himself now and finding it a challenge.

So men like him would stay for the childcare. She filed and left now he has to do some actual parenting some times.

Most guys like this get remarried super fast. The new wife usually wants kids of her own so she’s eager to take on childcare for his kids and “prove” herself as maternal and easygoing. Of course, all that goes out the window after she has her first baby and the reality of parenthood sets in. Then the cycle begins all over again. H

My dad’s pattern. Of course, he tells the same story about each woman and how she turned out to be cold and selfish because she expected him to come home at night to parent his own kids instead of hanging out at bars and buying women drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just posted. Men stay because they are lazy and deal with the status quo easier. Women file for about 70% of divorces. Women get more fed up with lack of any emotion than men.

Yes all men are lazy.

No, only lazy at home. Not at the office or kissing @$$ at a BBQ.

So insulting living with the split personality selective lazy and speechless ManChild.

[Anonymous]

Lots of clearly undesirable women, as they picked schlubs for husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of clearly undesirable women, as they picked schlubs for husbands.

The problem isn’t the desirability of the wife. The problem is letting them get away with small stuff so as to not be a nag. Then next you know, he’s getting away with big stuff. I’ve watched this in my friends’ marriages. My friend is gorgeous, but her DH hasn’t had a job since 8 months before the pandemic. He still goes out once a week though. Not just to the gym, but to hang with his boys. Meanwhile, she’s working and then home with three under 11.

[Anonymous]

Was the comment about staying specifically for child care used? I think people stay in shitty marriages for convenience of the family and to be less disruptive. But not just for child care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your boyfriend is not leaving his wife.

LOL, that's what I thought too. I've never heard anyone say they were staying with their wife and kids "for the childcare." It seems like such an odd way to single out one small part of not wanting to break up the family that isn't tied to any emotions or relationships. Like OP could just hire a babysitter and then there's no negative side to her and her AP being homewreckers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just posted. Men stay because they are lazy and deal with the status quo easier. Women file for about 70% of divorces. Women get more fed up with lack of any emotion than men.

Women file because divorce = cash and prizes for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was the comment about staying specifically for child care used? I think people stay in shitty marriages for convenience of the family and to be less disruptive. But not just for child care.

Yes it was used.

It’s a direct and selfish statement. He stays because he has excellent free labor at home that allows him to work all the time and keep a portrayed image of a successful married man with well taken care of children and house.

[Anonymous]

I could see an emotionless Spock-like man saying and thinking this. Those are indeed lonely and neglectful marriages.

[Anonymous]

As a man who agonized about the effect of divorce on his kids, I am disappointed (but not surprised) to see the view here that men are completely selfish and only care about getting "free child care".

I doubt I am the only man ever who hesitated to get divorced and seriously considered staying in a loveless, sexless marriage for years in order to avoid hurting his kids.

[Anonymous]

How noble of you.

Did you dig in to the underlying issues of your marital problems? Are they fixable? Can you both change to make it work or is the underlying issue too strong and pervasive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man who agonized about the effect of divorce on his kids, I am disappointed (but not surprised) to see the view here that men are completely selfish and only care about getting "free child care".

I doubt I am the only man ever who hesitated to get divorced and seriously considered staying in a loveless, sexless marriage for years in order to avoid hurting his kids.

50/50 custody with two healthy, caring, and communicable co-parents is fine.

It’s not fine with one or both are unhealthy.

Not clear what bucket you and your wife are in.
Many many spouses would leave tomorrow if they felt their children would be well cared for and emotional and all needs (not McDs and clothes) would be taken care of consistently by the other parent. But they don’t see that happening, and it’s not happening now, so they stay. To protect the kids. It’s a terrible situation with terrible options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man who agonized about the effect of divorce on his kids, I am disappointed (but not surprised) to see the view here that men are completely selfish and only care about getting "free child care".

I doubt I am the only man ever who hesitated to get divorced and seriously considered staying in a loveless, sexless marriage for years in order to avoid hurting his kids.

No one said that this was all men.

I will say that just about every man that I know who really seems to love his children also loves his wife (if she is a good mother). Most men I know really love their wives and love their kids as an extension of her. I think that your situation (loving your kids but not your wife) is pretty rare.

[Anonymous]

I think conflating loving your kids and caring for your kids needs is not rare. There’s actually a big difference.

Hence Op’s question: do men subconsciously stay in an bad marriage because they the mom’s care is best for their children and they can’t replicate that.
Plus for bonus points, being married w kids props up their Family Guy / Livable Guy image.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just posted. Men stay because they are lazy and deal with the status quo easier. Women file for about 70% of divorces. Women get more fed up with lack of any emotion than men.

Women file because divorce = cash and prizes for them.

Keep telling yourself that. I worked my entire marriage. I did not get anything. We were equals.