My free sitting is getting to be too much

[Anonymous]

Ok so here's my complicated story. My mother in law, who I love so much, got breast cancer. It was devastating for our family but she has had surgery and is currently undergoing chemo. My sister in law used my mil for childcare 3 full days a week. Obviously when we got the news she had to stop taking care of the kids and focus on her own health. Out of the 5 sibs my husband is the only one with a stay at home spouse and long story short I felt obligated to take the kids until they found other arrangements. We are now 4 months into me having 2 extra kids 3 days a week and its starting to be too much. I've gone from hinting to straight up asking and my sil had an emotional breakdow and said her hiring a sitter is just not a financial option and how she is really embarrassed but it's true. I know better than to count other people's pennies but since both my bil and sil work for thr gov I know for a fact their HHI is much higher than ours, but I'm torn bc they do indeed have much bigger car payments and a bigger mortgage and obv those bills don't go away. I guess my resentment is festering bc I feel like you should be able to pay for childcare before you start to accumulate other bills, but they counted on free childcare indefinitely apparently. My husband agrees with me and is pissed they don't have a plan B but he is really concerned about his mom and doesn't want to rock the boat right now, as treatment is going well but there have been some bumps along the way and the future is still unknown. He basically wants me to suck it up in the name of his mom. In theory I know that's what I should do but my day to day life is getting crazy. Going from 3 kids (mine) to 5 is really quite honestly above my ability. I am still nursing my third and now potty training one of mine and one of hers. My oldest now has to get a ride back from preschool on the days I have everyone and it just makes me feel shitty. I quit my job bc I couldn't handle it all, I was finally starting to handle my life, and now I have 2 more kids majority of the time. I know I'm going to come off as a complete bitch but maybe someone out there has some advice? I do love my nephews and I want to be a good aunt and I want the cousins to all be great friends it's just hard on a day to day basis. Also with my kids I could get out of the house when my older one was in preschool and see the world, with 4 or 5 kids that's impossible (for me, god bless those who do it) so I also feel house trapped and it's making me depressed.

[Anonymous]

No advice OP, but my thoughts are with you. It sounds like a sticky situation but you and your DH are doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh, OP. I'm sorry. You are obviously being taken advantage of and I know this is family but it is affecting you emotionally and you are also not being able to give YOUR children the full attention the need. But while you continue with this arrangement, for however long, try your very best to focuson the positive...how wonderful that your children will have this close bond their their cousins. I would ask this about the other family's financial situation...do they have cable television? If they do, they need to get rid of it and pay for childcare. Do they contribute to savings and college funds? If so, they need to put that on hold for a while until they get this handled. How dare they assume that MIL would have been their lon-term babysitter with no back-up plan that didn't involve imposing on another family member. I think you need to give them a deadline...May 1, June 1, whatever you think you can handle and tell them that that's it.

[Anonymous]

Can you afford to hire a mother's helper to help out with the kids? Even someone to come in and play with the older kids for a few hours in the afternoon would probably go a long way towards making you more sane. Is that something that your SIL and BIL could afford to chip in for? What about your church community? Are there any mother's day out programs near you. GL!

[Anonymous]

Where are those children on the other two work days? And remind yourself and your SIL that for the last four months you have done them a huge service out of love of family, so when this turns sour and she decides to somehow be angry at YOU for wanting to end this unfair arrangement don't take it. Gratitude is absolutely required here no matter how or when this ends.

[Anonymous]

I think the mother's helper option is a great idea but SIL and BIL must pay for it. And really, it should be far less than what they'd pay for regular day care. If you weren't around to solve this problem for them they'd have to find a way to pay and this is not fair to you. Hang in there. A parental illness really rocks everyone in the family and stuff like this makes is even harder.

[Anonymous]

Give them a deadline, a few months out, and tell them that it's too much for you to take care of so many kids so often, and they need to find other arrangements. *If* a mother's helper or a part-time babysitter would be enough to make it manageable for you, you could suggest that they pay for that as a condition of your continuing to babysit.

[Anonymous]

Holy cow, OP, if I were you I'd be freaking out too. You are so nice to be doing this.

I totally understand doing your part to help out family in this tough situation, and you have gone above and beyond, but the fact of the matter is that this free childcare can't go on and can't last forever.

I would want to know what SIL and BIL are doing to change the situation. Have they started looking for inhome daycares? Maybe they need to sell their expensive cars to reduce monthly expenses. Whatever it is they need to be doing, it needs to happen soon.

However, for the sake of family harmony, this is a conversation that DH needs to have with his sister. I would start by setting a deadline -- three more months maybe. And getting them to pay for a mothers helper for the days their kids are at your house is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Give your SIL a final date and stop answering the door in the mornings after that. Your SIL may have financial troubles but that is not your problem nor should you make it.

Is it fair that you have an emotional breakdown? It sounds like that is where you are headed and are clearly overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her that you love her family and her boys but that this simply is not going to work as a longterm solution with no end date. It is wearing on you severely at this point, and if she were to imagine taking care of 5 young children for entire days, she would likely feel the same. Tell her that she must have a new arrangement in place by May 1 and in the meantime, on the two days she has her own children you would like her to take your two for perhaps one of those days in order to allow you to regain a bit of sanity and do errands unencumbered.

[Anonymous]

This is so tough - I want to say - tell her to put her kids in childcare by X date and sayonnara - but obviously with family it's way trickier than that. So thoughts - could you send two of your three kids to her house on the other two days of the week (assume she works part time?), so you only keep the baby? At least you'd get a break? Another crazy thought - and I know this might be slightly dishonest, but could you tell her that you've decided to return to work full time, so are actively looking for jobs, so she needs to start finding childcare? I mean it's not ideal, but might light a fire under her if she thinks she has a deadline. Finally, tell her that it's just way too much for you and you need to hire help and she's going to have to split the cost with you - maybe you could find a high school kid who comes after school and helps for hours or even a college kid who's coming home for the summer in a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

You are not being a bitch at all. You've been a life-saver for them and are stuck in a rotten rotten spot.

I agree w/ the pp's about giving them a deadline of a couple of months out so they have time to plan, and in the meantime seeing about a "mother's helper" type (that THEY PAY FOR) so you have some support.

It is certainly possible for people w/ higher incomes to feel just as stressed about money as people who make less. The same instinct/tendency to live at or beyond our means can affect people at all levels. But you cannot be their permanent solution. If they had come to you at the start of this tough time and asked you to provide permanent childcare 3 days a week for the next year or two would the answer (for you AND your husband) have been an easy "I'm really sorry but we just can't"? If so - then try to get both you and your husband's head into that kind of space to think about how to handle this going forward.

I'm sorry. You are doing a wonderful thing for your family (several branches of it at the same time!) and paying a rotten price.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give them a deadline, a few months out, and tell them that it's too much for you to take care of so many kids so often, and they need to find other arrangements. *If* a mother's helper or a part-time babysitter would be enough to make it manageable for you, you could suggest that they pay for that as a condition of your continuing to babysit.

Yes, these are both good suggestions.

Also, at the end of that deadline, plan a trip for you and your kids to visit your parents out of town for a few weeks. This will force them to get new caregiver arrangements in place by then, since you'll be out of town.

[Anonymous]

Snarky, I know, but with this sort of piss poor planning for their children my guess is their college savings plan is based on MIL's will...am I right? Has SIL always been the babied sibling?

[Anonymous]

I would sit down and talk out options with them. Just be clear, both of your families are going to be in a world of hurt if you have a nervous breakdown and can't take care of the kids. And you've done your best for awhile, but you're getting to your breaking point.

You could suggest a mother's helper or babysitter (on their dime); if it would work you could suggest their older one go to preschool with your older one, and then at least you'd only be dealing with 3 kids; maybe another relative or a friend could take the kids 1 or 2 of the days, and doing it fewer days would be easier for you.

Don't take on her stress. I'm sure it's stressful for them to have to find the money or a solution to this problem. But you can't help them if you are drowning yourself. You stepped up in an emergency, but it's time to figure out the next steps. And if BIL and SIL want to be pissed about that, that's their problem and their immaturity. You aren't the cause of this problem. Cancer and a lack of a realistic back up plan are the causes. Good luck.