My free sitting is getting to be too much

[Anonymous]

Your SIL and BIL should also be setting their work schedules so one can drop off late and the other can pick up early. Do you have family that lives out of the area? I would plan a week long trip out of town for May 1st so no one can guilt you into continuing.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'll. Join the angry mob en route to your SILs house. I work and have 2 kids and never could imagine expecting anyone to take care of my kids for free. Please make your husband be the bad guy here. I know how crazy and helpless adult children can feel when their own parents are sick, but your husband needs to appreciate that the current situation is not healthy for anyone.

[Anonymous]

30 day notice with a helper for those days and offer her suggestions for care. You are a great aunt but enoug is enough. Occasionally sure but daily no. Oh. Drop off your kids for a date night and let them see how five kids are.

[Anonymous]

Saw your update OP, and you are doing the right thing. They are SO FAR out of line it's insane. If they give you any blow-back, tell them you think you've done more than your share to support THEIR family, and their finances are their own business. They should honestly be ashamed of themselves. Stick to your guns!

[Anonymous]

Any chance SIL reads this board? She should!!

[Anonymous]

OP, since there is obviously consensus here on what needs to happen, the point for discussion should be who/when/how to approach your SIL.

Since it's been discussed already, SIL is resistant, and you know they aren't going to take your message well, you need to think out how to approach this. Email first to give them time to digest/get over their anger, then discuss in person? Discuss in person right away? DH and SIL only? You present, but DH still leads the conversation?

When did you quit your job - before or after the cancer diagnosis?

[Anonymous]

OP, change your routine. On monday when they drop off, don't be home. Repeat. Poof!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: So thoughts - could you send two of your three kids to her house on the other two days of the week (assume she works part time?), so you only keep the baby? At least you'd get a break?

This is a great idea.

[Anonymous]

Oh my OP! You don't come across as bitchy at all, you are going way above and beyond. No advice, just sympathy. I would never expect someone to watch my kids for free for two hours let alone three days a week indefinitely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op back! Wow I can't believe how this thread has grown! Thank you for taking the time to share your insight. I really appreciate the pp who said stop being a doormat, it struck me. I am not a doormat on a day to day basis what so ever but with the shock and emotion of this cancer I became a doormat, but I'm going to put an end to it. Just to correct another pp I did not quit my job to stay home bc of this situation. I have a 7 month old and after she was born I decided to stay at home, we found out about MIL's cancer about 2 months later. My kids are 4 yrs, 20 months and 7 months and my nephews are 28 months and 11 months. My dc is the only one in preschool. I think my best action plan is to get all the sibs together this weekend and tell them I can not physically and emotionally handle it anymore and it ends May 1st. I think I'm going to make a clean break instead of asking for 1 or 2 days or a mothers helper (although that was a great idea) bc I really need my sanity back. Thanks for really helping me realize it's ok to say no! Worst comes to worst if my sil and bil truly can't come up with childcare cash we will take a collection or something but as far as donating my time it's up.

Jesus - you had a 2 mo, an 15 mo old, and a 4 yo, and they foisted a 6 mo and a 2 yo on you? Your inlaws suck beyond words, OP, and you're a saint for agreeing at all, much less for MONTHS. Please come back and update us.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, sending love your way. The PPs are all exactly right and you should make sure your DH reads this thread. I took my nephew for the summer while his parents were getting settled in their divorce and it was so hard with 2 of my own. I cannot imagine how difficult your life is right now - surely you deserve to be heard.

[Anonymous]

Is there an update on this thread somewhere? If so, I would love to read it...
Reading the ages of the kids kind of did me in honestly. You couldnt have had those children biologically they are so close together and on top of one another. No wonder you are tired.
I can see how you start doing something for all the right reasons and then with the stress of MIL and the illness and the family dealing with all that goes into treatments etc you dont want to complain but 4 months is too long and especially if you have made it clear this is too much for you. It would be too much for 99% of the people I know. And the fact that she cant take your kids or chip in to give YOU some time or a break is ridiculous. I dont see why she cant help out on Sat or Sun for example for some hours to give you some sanity. Money is one thing but time is another.
Also, if you werent a SAHM I suppose they would have had to scramble and rearrange their bills, right? Like most people IMO they should have downgraded their cars, sold some stuff, cut all cable, eating out, cell, whatever they had to to arrange proper child care. The gravy train was nice while it lasted sure but there is an END clearly.
I also agree that your husband should have put his foot down on this one after 6-8 weeks. He should see this is too much on you AND certainly taking away from your own children and the attention they should be getting. You are practically running a day care all by yourself. And FWIW I am sure she is doing it this way because she is cheap and selfish but think about your own kids - would you drop them off at a daycare where the owner was all alone with 5 kids with those ages AND looked overstressed and worn out? I wouldn't. I am not saying you arent doing a stellar job given the circumstances but it IS a lot to handle and there are rules about how many kids can be watched by one person.
I dont know whether this would help your argument but I pulled this up on google:
VIRGINIA DEPARTMENT OF SOCIAL SERVICES Page 6 of 32 MINIMUM STANDARDS FOR LICENSED FAMILY DAY HOMES 22VAC 40-110-10 et seq. 11/93
1. 1:4 children from birth through 15 months of age;
2. 1:5 children from 16 months through 23 months of age;
3. 1:8 children from two years through four years of age;

[Anonymous]

tl;dr

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op back! Wow I can't believe how this thread has grown! Thank you for taking the time to share your insight. I really appreciate the pp who said stop being a doormat, it struck me. I am not a doormat on a day to day basis what so ever but with the shock and emotion of this cancer I became a doormat, but I'm going to put an end to it. Just to correct another pp I did not quit my job to stay home bc of this situation. I have a 7 month old and after she was born I decided to stay at home, we found out about MIL's cancer about 2 months later. My kids are 4 yrs, 20 months and 7 months and my nephews are 28 months and 11 months. My dc is the only one in preschool. I think my best action plan is to get all the sibs together this weekend and tell them I can not physically and emotionally handle it anymore and it ends May 1st. I think I'm going to make a clean break instead of asking for 1 or 2 days or a mothers helper (although that was a great idea) bc I really need my sanity back. Thanks for really helping me realize it's ok to say no! Worst comes to worst if my sil and bil truly can't come up with childcare cash we will take a collection or something but as far as donating my time it's up.

Jesus - you had a 2 mo, an 15 mo old, and a 4 yo, and they foisted a 6 mo and a 2 yo on you? Your inlaws suck beyond words, OP, and you're a saint for agreeing at all, much less for MONTHS. Please come back and update us.

+1

Another +1. Reading the ages of the children just BLEW MY MIND. Where's the angry mob convening? I've got my pitchfork!

[Anonymous]

OP, you must come back and report how the conversation goes. I think you should print this thread out to your DH. You and he need to be a united front in telling SIL this has got to stop. I would either send an email (and say you want to discuss in person) or do it this weekend while you have the momentum.
Give her 3 weeks, mid-April.
In the meantime, ask her to watch the kids some Saturday (just make up some need you and DH have). If she balks, then i would cut her off even sooner.