My free sitting is getting to be too much

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs, you need to set a deadline and let them know they have to find their own childcare by that time. I would want to have this conversation with all four adults so that everyone is on the same page. Also, I don't think anyone would fault you for saying you can't do this indefinitely, especially your MIL. I'm sure she'd be on your side if she knew how it was affecting you. You may have to "rock the boat" a little bit but it will be much more healthy for everyone involved.

Good luck, you're very sweet and have taken on an incredible burden for your family.

[Anonymous]

Op here! Wow thanks for all of the responses. To answer some questions my sil's mother watches the kids the other two days a week and she can't offer more help than that bc she actually works part time the other 3 days. I really like the idea of hiring a mothers helper, I think they would chip in for it. I do think this is going to come to me saying as of June 1st I can't offer childcare anymore. I am afraid they will pressure mil into taking a day or two or all 3 back but I hope they don't bc that will really stress the family dynamics. I did write an email to another sib of my husbands kind of confiding that this situation is putting me in a bad emotional state and she graciously offered to take off every other Friday and help me, just that act alone brought me to tears! It will be a much needed helping hand! As far as the state of sil and bil finances it's really hard to say...I don't feel comfortable to tell them to cut cable/ eating out though...just feel like it will make the situation more awkward.

[Anonymous]

This should be a conversation between your DH and his sister. Your life sounds like a Tolstoy novel except that this isn't the 19th century and this isn't Russia.

[Anonymous]

Be sure not to vacation with SIL and her family, otherwise you'll get stuck doing this in a lovlier location. Wait, maybe you should vacation together and have her watch your children every day/night. Kidding. I'm sorry, OP. Terrible situation. I get where your husband is coming from but perhaps he doesn't understand how this is truly starting to effect you...you need to make him understand. You've done this for 4 months already? Come on! That's an eternity with FIVE children. You've done your duty. It is mind bogglingly crazy that they had you begin with arrangement without talking about next steps. They should have been making alternative arrangment plans from the very first day...they should have been saving and cutting bills for the last 4 months. Have they? Are they assuming that when MIL is a bit better she resume babysittting full days? If that's what they're thinking, shame on them.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP this is stressful! I would say that you agreed to a temporary situation. It is really too much for them to ask you to take on 5 small children. Their lack of planning isn't really your problem. They should look into trading in one of their cars or something to reduce their bills. If you had not have helped out when your MIL got sick, I am sure they would have somehow found another solution. Situations change constantly, this is what happens when we hit adulthood, no? Yes, it may be tense for a time why they struggle but that would be their fault, not yours.

[Anonymous]

I think them paying for a mother's helper is a good idea and you are perfectly wiyhin your rights to give them an end-date a few month out.

Another idea: if you have her kids 3 days a week, is she home with them the other two days? Could she take your kids, or 2 of your kids for those days or part of those days. Sometimes youcould use that time for a break, to get housework and errands done, or to do something special with one of yours. If she can't do the two weekdays, would it help if she did a weekend day?

Also, I think this is not just your and your SIL's problem. Get the dads involved. BIL needs to be part of the end plan and he can help SIL care for all 5 on Sunday afternoons. If your DH wants you to continue doubling your workload, he needs to step up in the cooking, cleaning, and evening/weekend childcare, if hexhasn't already.

[Anonymous]

This is tough.
Perhaps they can extend a stipend to cover the kids' food and extra groceries or perhaps an activity or two for your sanity? (I didn't read all of this, so if this is happening please forgive the redundancy).

[Anonymous]

I would tell her you will be happy to keep doing it as long as she reciprocates so you will be dropping your three off with her from 8am to 5pm Saturday and Sunday. Watch how fast she finds childcare.

Barring that, they pay for an extra pair of hands for you for all three days from drop off to pick up.

[Anonymous]

So wait, this family has ALWAYS counted on having 100% of their childcare from family? Another family member takes the boys the two other days? Wow. They should be absolutely ashamed for taking advantage of their families they way they have and continue to. I understand you really can't talk to them about their finances and make suggestions on how they could cut costs because it would make things more awkward, but why aren't they doing these things?! It's maddening. How are they changing their lifestyle to adjust for this? Are they at all? They seem to default to the "it takes a village" mantra making their responsibilties everyone else's. And if you hire a mother's helper, they need to pay for it, not split it with you. Are you feedinyour nephews? Do they give you money for food, any sort of payment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So wait, this family has ALWAYS counted on having 100% of their childcare from family? Another family member takes the boys the two other days? Wow. They should be absolutely ashamed for taking advantage of their families they way they have and continue to. I understand you really can't talk to them about their finances and make suggestions on how they could cut costs because it would make things more awkward, but why aren't they doing these things?! It's maddening. How are they changing their lifestyle to adjust for this? Are they at all? They seem to default to the "it takes a village" mantra making their responsibilties everyone else's. And if you hire a mother's helper, they need to pay for it, not split it with you. Are you feedinyour nephews? Do they give you money for food, any sort of payment?

OP here....these are alot of my thoughts as well. It seems like a bad move to count on two 60 some year old women for 100 percent of your childcare needs and then have no back up plan when one gets ill. They have given me 3 giftcards for groceries over 4 months, 50 bucks each. It's nice but it's kind of a joke to me bc obv my grocery costs have gone up more than 150 bucks over 4 months. Sil is def of the "it takes a village" but let's just say my kids are never invited to her hut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So wait, this family has ALWAYS counted on having 100% of their childcare from family? Another family member takes the boys the two other days? Wow. They should be absolutely ashamed for taking advantage of their families they way they have and continue to. I understand you really can't talk to them about their finances and make suggestions on how they could cut costs because it would make things more awkward, but why aren't they doing these things?! It's maddening. How are they changing their lifestyle to adjust for this? Are they at all? They seem to default to the "it takes a village" mantra making their responsibilties everyone else's. And if you hire a mother's helper, they need to pay for it, not split it with you. Are you feedinyour nephews? Do they give you money for food, any sort of payment?

OP here....these are alot of my thoughts as well. It seems like a bad move to count on two 60 some year old women for 100 percent of your childcare needs and then have no back up plan when one gets ill. They have given me 3 giftcards for groceries over 4 months, 50 bucks each. It's nice but it's kind of a joke to me bc obv my grocery costs have gone up more than 150 bucks over 4 months. Sil is def of the "it takes a village" but let's just say my kids are never invited to her hut.

My SIL does this as well for her kids from birth to 18 months. Grandparents take the baby on alternating weeks. It burns me up a bit because occasionally when we ask if they can help out with our two, my MIL never can if its her week with the SIL's baby. We've shelled out for 100% of our child care since birth, and it would be nice if we could use the grandparents as back up. But nope, not on the weeks they are caring fot the baby.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you propose three of one for two of another... Sure, you'll take the 5 kids (including your own) on three work days but they get all 5 on Saturdays and Sundays.

[Anonymous]

OP - you need to lay down the law. You are overwhelmed and its just not fair. Why can't they ever take your kids?
And you can bet that your SIL will try and foist the kids back on the MIL as soon as they are able to - chemo or no chemo.

My brother did something similar (but with only one kid) when my mom was undergoing chemo and she could not even lift his one yr old son. I had a massive fight with him and told him straight up, he or his wife needed to cut back on the babysitting duties since our mother could not cope with a one year old and take care of her health at the same time.

Good luck - this can cause a huge family rift, if it has not already.

[Anonymous]

I think your husband needs to stand up for you and his mom in this scenario. It will still be ugly, but much better coming from him.

[Anonymous]

Stop being a doormat. It is all right to ask family to help out for a SHORT time (two weeks maximum) so they can find other childcare. No way in hell for four months. If you don't get the balls to tell her April 12 is the last day for her to drop off her kids, then this will continue.

She has had more than enough time to find other childcare and tough if she hasn't. Yes, she will probably be angry but you stand your ground. FWIW, your DH is a dick for allowing his family to use you.