My free sitting is getting to be too much

[Anonymous]

Set a deadline before June 1st. They've had time to look. And as someone who has moved twice and had a daycare lined up fall through, it's really NOT that hard to find someone fast. Seriously, we've found multiple daycares (that we could afford even), in 1 week-1 month.

Hell, we even did have the benefit of my sister watching our unplanned 2nd child to help out with our finances, but even though we couldn't afford it, we were still paying her $180/week b/c we were so thankful and she could only do it a few months before watching an extra child was too much for her (and she had been a kindergarten teacher before!). Your SIL is spoiled.

You obviously don't know their whole finances, but they could very well be putting away some savings, 401K, vacation funds, etc. but feeling like those aren't things they can cut. They can.

Also, tell her to pack the kids lunches and snacks (most daycares do this) or pay $50/week until they find something new.

[Anonymous]

PPs have answered pretty thoroughly about the practical aspects.

Just wanted to add that you should not be afraid to come off as the bad guy, and you should not be afraid to cause a permanent rift in the family.

Because SIL/BIL seem like they are really unendurably selfish, will never fully appreciate what you have done, and that will never change.

HAVE YOUR HUSBAND READ THIS THREAD!

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a lovely person. Your SIL has put you in a huge bind, and should be ashamed of herself. Her money issues are simply not your concern. I'm 100% sure you will feel guilty for giving her an end-date, and I'm also 100% sure that it is NOT your problem. This is her problem and you have probably enabled her not dealing with her own issues. You are doing her a favor, teaching her to take care of her own life. I know family dynamics are going to take a hit when you do this. But it absolutely has to be done. What she's done is ridiculous, selfish, and moochy. You are a kind person who has done a nice thing. You need to hold your head up, define your boundaries, and take care of your own family. Sending you my best.

[Anonymous]

I agree -- give her an end date and stick to it. It will be hard, but be strong. You're not responsible for their financial situation, or their reaction to you putting up a very reasonable boundary. This arrangement is not fair to you.

[Anonymous]

Unheard of unanimity on DCUM. OP, this more than anything should give you an indication of how effed up this situation is, how much your SIL is taking advantage of you, and how little guilt should feel about politely terminating this relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP two points you made:

Anonymous wrote:Out of the 5 sibs my husband is the only one with a stay at home spouse and long story short I felt obligated to take the kids until they found other arrangements.... My husband agrees with me and is pissed they don't have a plan B but he is really concerned about his mom and doesn't want to rock the boat right now, as treatment is going well but there have been some bumps along the way and the future is still unknown. He basically wants me to suck it up in the name of his mom.

Your husband is one of 5 kids, but you are the only SAHM in the group, so that makes you point person when babysitting help of this type is needed. Or so you think. The other siblings could, however, be tapped to help in other ways -- such as helping this family afford to pay for childcare until they can afford it themselves.

Now, I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous... why would any siblings chip in for daycare for this family?? -- but it is exactly the same type of help as you are giving, and have been giving for 4 months. You need to stop, and let your SIL know that you can't help out with free childcare anymore, but that she could ask the other siblings for help.

It sounds like one sister has already offered to take 2 days a month off to help out, so let the other 3 siblings know that they are needed to help out as well. Your husband will very likely see that they are NOT willing to help out, and might come around to the fact that you have done FAR more than your share of helping in family times. His sister needs to figure something different out.

[Anonymous]

Also, how appalling that the SIL can sleep soundly that her children are left with family who truly live them. The peace of mind provided in that alone to me would be worth paying a far and reasonable price for getting to be with their aunt each week. I know the money really isn't the issue for you OP because what you need is for this to end. If you wanted to be a daycare provider my guess is you would be doing that professionally. Anyway, just wanted to point out how lucky SIL has been to have the opportunity to leave her children in the care of loving family. And I keep reflecting on the point that OP actually already told SIL this wasn't working and if im to understand SIL said "sorry, no, you can't quit" not in those words but by being manipulative via crying the I'm broke blues.

[Anonymous]

Op back! Wow I can't believe how this thread has grown! Thank you for taking the time to share your insight. I really appreciate the pp who said stop being a doormat, it struck me. I am not a doormat on a day to day basis what so ever but with the shock and emotion of this cancer I became a doormat, but I'm going to put an end to it. Just to correct another pp I did not quit my job to stay home bc of this situation. I have a 7 month old and after she was born I decided to stay at home, we found out about MIL's cancer about 2 months later. My kids are 4 yrs, 20 months and 7 months and my nephews are 28 months and 11 months. My dc is the only one in preschool. I think my best action plan is to get all the sibs together this weekend and tell them I can not physically and emotionally handle it anymore and it ends May 1st. I think I'm going to make a clean break instead of asking for 1 or 2 days or a mothers helper (although that was a great idea) bc I really need my sanity back. Thanks for really helping me realize it's ok to say no! Worst comes to worst if my sil and bil truly can't come up with childcare cash we will take a collection or something but as far as donating my time it's up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op back! Wow I can't believe how this thread has grown! Thank you for taking the time to share your insight. I really appreciate the pp who said stop being a doormat, it struck me. I am not a doormat on a day to day basis what so ever but with the shock and emotion of this cancer I became a doormat, but I'm going to put an end to it. Just to correct another pp I did not quit my job to stay home bc of this situation. I have a 7 month old and after she was born I decided to stay at home, we found out about MIL's cancer about 2 months later. My kids are 4 yrs, 20 months and 7 months and my nephews are 28 months and 11 months. My dc is the only one in preschool. I think my best action plan is to get all the sibs together this weekend and tell them I can not physically and emotionally handle it anymore and it ends May 1st. I think I'm going to make a clean break instead of asking for 1 or 2 days or a mothers helper (although that was a great idea) bc I really need my sanity back. Thanks for really helping me realize it's ok to say no! Worst comes to worst if my sil and bil truly can't come up with childcare cash we will take a collection or something but as far as donating my time it's up.

Jesus - you had a 2 mo, an 15 mo old, and a 4 yo, and they foisted a 6 mo and a 2 yo on you? Your inlaws suck beyond words, OP, and you're a saint for agreeing at all, much less for MONTHS. Please come back and update us.

[Anonymous]

Meanwhile have your ILs babysit for you on Saturdays so you can have a break and catch up on things.

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP. you deserve a serious vacation after this.
I hope at least they supplied you with diapers? If not, they must start packing them come Monday.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just wanted to chime in with everyone else who has read this thread and wants to march to your sister in law's house as an angry mob.

The way she is treating you is totally disrespectful. I cannot imagine the amount of work you must be doing on a daily basis with all of those little ones!

I just wanted to say that we grew up pretty poor-- living from paycheck to paycheck in a three-room house-- and yet when my mom had to ask one of my aunts to babysit us (giving THEM a grand total of five kids to care for), she always wrote them a check. (We were in home daycare, but on occasion couldn't go for one reason or another.) My mom appreciated that she wouldn't be able to go to work and make money if it weren't for the people caring for her kids, and so she paid them-- even, she told me as an adult, when she had to pay them exactly what she'd made for her day of work. Now, if you lived in a culture where there was a joint family and so your SIL and BIL's contributions were benefiting you (and MIL!) in some other way, she could do the whole "it takes a village" thing, but if you are each a separate household economy, this is not "it takes a village." This is "she gets to work and earn money to support her own family, and the village ain't gettin' a cent."

[Anonymous]

Have your husband tell his brother/SIL or sister/BIL that they need to take in a renter to help pay for a part time sitter for you.

[Anonymous]

If all the kids were elementary age and just coming over after school that would be one thing but to expect you to take care of five kids under the age of five is just insane! By any standards!

I would like to add, many are bla ing the sister in law. The sister in law also has a husband who is responsible for these kids. And the husband should be sticking up for the wife. So lets not just blame the women in this situation.

If your husband gives you any trouble over this, demand that he take a three days and take care of all these kids at the same time alone!

[Anonymous]

OP, please come back and update us! We are all on your side!!