DH's intimacy issues - need perspective

[Anonymous]

Let me start by saying that in all other ways my DH is awesome – he is smart, attractive, and overwhelming giving. Whenever I read a DCUM thread about slacking husbands, my immediate though is that I am so so lucky I married the man that I did. But…

DH has some major intimacy issues. He is overwhelming uncomfortable talking about sex, expressing desire, or communicating affection other than with the standard kiss-goodbye or hello. In general, he’s a pretty introverted guy, so being-closed off isn’t totally out of character for him, but when it comes to sex, his inability to communicate seems extreme and really gets me down. I can recall exactly two times when he actually verbally volunteered information on what he was thinking regarding anything sexual, one of those was just to tell me he was really turned on, both times he had been drinking. He readily admits that intimacy is something he has always struggled with, but can’t or won’t elaborate. I’ve tried to be understanding but it’s really impacting my relationship with him. I crave feeling loved in a way that he just seems unable to make me feel. I hate pressing him on it, as he’s obviously uncomfortable and feels bad that he is this way, but we’ve been together almost 10 years now and I can’t imagine going on this way for the rest of our lives. For what it’s worth, he does seem to enjoy sex when we have it –which is currently about once a week, although I’d prefer more. Sometimes he initiates, sometimes I do.

So, my question to the DCUM world, has anyone had a partner with similar issues? How abnormal is this? And where do I go from here? He’d likely agree to see a therapist if I really pushed it, although given his aversion to discussing these things, doing so probably would be torturous for him and I’m hesitant to ask for that (not to mention that we don’t really have time or money for that right now). I go through periods of thinking this is perfectly normal and nothing to worry about, but other times I feel like there must have been something in his past to make him act this way and we'd both be better off if it was addressed, or I start doubting myself and whether he is attracted to me. I only had one other partner prior to him, so don’t have a great frame of reference for these things. Any perspective from others would be appreciated!

[Anonymous]

I have this problem, but have yet to find a solution to it. If there's something I want or don't want, it could take me months to actually be able to verbalize it. It's incredibly frustrating.

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

First look at his parents. Are they the affectionate type? Or are they a bit cold and aloof in regard to their emotions especially toward each other and their children.

Second watch his reactions with your children, is he affectionate toward them?

Then look at him with his friends (if he even has any REAL friends, which I doubt)

He he is the same with them as it is with you then really it's not you at all. There is something either in his personality or his past that makes him limit how he expresses his love for others. He could have a touch of a social disorder - painful shyness, or even something like Aspbergers (sp?)

The fact that he can express himself when he has been drinking indicates that it is something like extreme shyness since a bit of "social lubricant" allows him to say what he feels.

[Anonymous]

My dh exhibits some of this type behavior. I once tried sending a suggestive email to him but he didn't reciprocate in the same way - maybe something like that could work for u.

[Anonymous]

I am a man and first impression is that in the past he has been rejected by women and might feel that expressing these thoughts makes him more vulnerable than he is willing to bear. Or does he watch porn? He may equate sex with doing something dirty and does not know how to express himself in the context of a loving marriage.

I would recommend what one poster said about suggestive emails. When my wife does that, I am like an animal by the time I walk in the front door.

[Anonymous]

Is it just sex, or does he have difficulty expressing his emotions in other areas? I would think that therapy might be a good idea--you are otherwise happy with your marriage and you guys do have a sex life, so there is definitely a lot to work with. Might he be willing to try a few individual sessions, so he could talk about this issue in private, and then perhaps open up to couples therapy?

[Anonymous]

I am like your DH for a variety of reasons, mostly having to do with my family of origin. My parents were very limited people, emotionally speaking, and I never really learned to "speak," emotionally. Also, I am generally very guarded, including with my DH. Intimacy is, in general, very uncomfortable for me.

I am 52yo and have been married for 20 years. I've had lots of therapy around this, both individual and marital/with my DH. There have been modest improvements, very tiny ones. On the whole, it is what it is.

Frankly, I don't think there is much you can do about this. It sounds like you know your DH loves you, but that he is not as expressive as you would like. Is that accurate? Was he not like this before you married?

[Anonymous]

You want him to love you the way you want to be loved - which includes verbal discussions of feelings. Most likely he would like you to love him the way he wants to be loved - which would mean graciously accepting what he is able to offer of himself without pressuring him for more. You know he loves you and you are both reasonably happy with your physical relationship. So I would encourage you to show your love by accepting him on his terms.

My grown son had a long-term live-in girlfriend who always wanted more from him than he could give, including more verbal and written expressions of intimacy. She would be so upset that he would plan a birthday party and give her gifts but would not do the one thing she explicitly asked for, which was to write her a long love letter. He told me that the moment she would make such a request, he would freeze up inside. He simply could not and would not accommodate such a request even though he knew she wanted it desperately. But he didn't want to feel as if he were being trained to jump through the hoops she created for him. He just wanted to love her in his own way.

I really do understand both perspectives, and it's hard when needs don't align. But surely you knew this about him ten years ago, and you chose to marry him. Why should you expect him to go outside his comfort zone now to humor you so that you don't have to face your own insecurities? Why would you doubt yourself and his attraction to you? To take a page from your book: surely something in your past must make you act this way and you'd both be better off if it were addressed....

So instead of prescribing therapy for him, why not seek it for yourself and see if that might help?

[Anonymous]

I don't have this problem with my DH but please don't discount the fact that your husband could've been sexually abused at some point in his life. I had a very good male friend growing up and we knew each other since childhood as we were next door neighbors. He was very good looking, smart, came from a great family, etc. He is currently on marriage # 2 in his late 20's. He finally revealed the family's absolute favorite uncle had been abusing him sexually for years. Most victims don't come forward and thankfully he did, but he still struggles in his personal relationships.
I'm not saying your DH has been abused, but it's a possibility.

[Anonymous]

I am probably somewhat like the DH at issue. For me, I simply am not that way, and I do not plan to change. Part of the way I am is no doubt family heritage/tradition/etc. I think I am a good husband and father, and I was raised by very supportive parents. I simply that this forum attracts a group of folks, frequently women, who want their husbands and marriages to fit some ideal that never existed in the past and does not exist now for the vast majority of marriages. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

I also thought that perhaps he had some sexual abuse in the past. Can you ask him about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am probably somewhat like the DH at issue. For me, I simply am not that way, and I do not plan to change. Part of the way I am is no doubt family heritage/tradition/etc. I think I am a good husband and father, and I was raised by very supportive parents. I simply that this forum attracts a group of folks, frequently women, who want their husbands and marriages to fit some ideal that never existed in the past and does not exist now for the vast majority of marriages. Sorry.

+1

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your struggles, OP. I feel you here. My husband is the same way. Well, except he can talk about sex a little, but usually only if I ask him...like "what felt better, when I did this or that?" But he has trouble doing eye contact, connections made with affection, affectionate touch, expressing anything in words other than cursory "love you". I almost always initiate sex and affection. I have found out he wants to have sex other times but has a hard time initiating. He won't even initiate cuddling, though he very much likes cuddling (he has said so). I can ask "Do you want to cuddle?" and he says "Alright, if you want to".....He cannot say "Yes" Get the difference? I know it sounds nitpicky, but when you are with someone who is so closed down, you notice that they can't even say "Yes" to that question, they have to make it more like they are simply willing to cuddle if that is what you want. It is like they can't even be vulnerable enough to admit they actually want to cuddle.

Sigh. We've been together 20 years.

[Anonymous]

what a drag (man here) ... I feel for you if you're dealing with a cold fish like that, it has to be frustrating and difficult.

[Anonymous]

You have described my wife perfectly. It has caused great stress in our relationship and we actually seperated once over it. After she swore it would change, we reconciled. It went to crap after that. Am in the process of leaving.