Reply to DH's intimacy issues

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Reply to "DH's intimacy issues - need perspective"

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[quote=Anonymous]You want him to love you the way you want to be loved - which includes verbal discussions of feelings.  Most likely he would like you to love him the way he wants to be loved - which would mean graciously accepting what he is able to offer of himself without pressuring him for more.  You know he loves you and you are both reasonably happy with your physical relationship.  So I would encourage you to show your love by accepting him on his terms.

My grown son had a long-term live-in girlfriend who always wanted more from him than he could give, including more verbal and written expressions of intimacy.  She would be so upset that he would plan a birthday party and give her gifts but would not do the one thing she explicitly asked for, which was to write her a long love letter.  He told me that the moment she would make such a request, he would freeze up inside.  He simply could not and would not accommodate such a request even though he knew she wanted it desperately.  But he didn't want to feel as if he were being trained to jump through the hoops she created for him.  He just wanted to love her in his own way.

I really do understand both perspectives, and it's hard when needs don't align.  But surely you knew this about him ten years ago, and you chose to marry him.  Why should you expect him to go outside his comfort zone now to humor you so that you don't have to face your own insecurities?  Why would you doubt yourself and his attraction to you?  To take a page from your book:  surely something in your past must make you act this way and you'd both be better off if it were addressed....

So instead of prescribing therapy for him, why not seek it for yourself and see if that might help?[/quote]

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