How would you approach - Grandparent providing childcare

[Anonymous]

Situation:
My FIL provides childcare for my SIL's children. He has done this for her since the oldest was born 7 years ago - the youngest is almost 3 and a new baby is due early this summer. My SIL is a consultant and works significant hours, her husband has more stable hours - but leaves the house early and arrives home by late afternoon - but he does not send my FIL home - so he takes advanage of having a baby sitter and will work out or do other errands. My FIL generally arrives before 7AM and it is not uncommon for him to make dinner and give baths.

My FIL is not in the greatest health - but my SIL appears oblivious to how his taking care of the kids may be impacting this. For example, last year he was admitted to the hospital for some pressure in his heart. (He claims it was not a heart attack) Coming out of this, my SIL put the baby in daycare 2 days a week so my FIL only has the oldest after school and the middle child for 1/2 days 2 days a week - but my SIL constantly complains about how costly daycare for 2 days a week is. (note - hey have money for new cars, a new house, a 3K swingset etc.)

It has gotten to the break point for the rest of the family - from a concern about the safety of the children. Just last week, my FIL was watching my 5 YO nephew (different family in same city) on the weekend, SIL #2 came home and my FIL was asleep. This was not the 1st time my FIL was found asleep while watching the kids, the SIL who he provides care for has commented on it before.

Any tips on how to have an intervention on this? As with many families there is history and specific dynamics which need to be navigated - and we are about 8 hours away - so we just hear the stories 2nd hand.

Note - I changed some of the details as I do not want to out myself on DCUM. Thanks for understanding.

[Anonymous]

I would have my husband start by gently suggesting to FIL that he significantly cut back his babysitting hours. If FIL is reluctant to do that your husband should approach his sister (and any other siblings using FIL's services) about cutting dad loose. She's got a very sweet deal; what she chooses to do will say loads about her character.

[Anonymous]

The two SIL's are your husband's sisters?

[Anonymous]

Your husband should have a conversation with his sibling about their father's health, and ways that they can support him. Discussion about child care can be one of those things -- but it should be part of a larger discussion.

[Anonymous]

What's the plan with a new baby?

I think a gentle suggestion will fall on deaf ears. Ideally your husband should have a family meeting via Skype with the two sisters. Say there's concern about the children and your FIL, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have my husband start by gently suggesting to FIL that he significantly cut back his babysitting hours. If FIL is reluctant to do that your husband should approach his sister (and any other siblings using FIL's services) about cutting dad loose. She's got a very sweet deal; what she chooses to do will say loads about her character.

we have been through step 1 - gently suggesting that he cuts back on hours - there are some co-dependencies here. My FIL feels needed (loved) - my SIL has done this for so long that she does not know how to do things w/o his help any more. For example, we were on the phone w my FIL a few weeks ago on a Saturday. My FIL needed to cut it short b/c my SIL needed to go grocery shopping and he was going over there to watch the kids while she went to the store.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have my husband start by gently suggesting to FIL that he significantly cut back his babysitting hours. If FIL is reluctant to do that your husband should approach his sister (and any other siblings using FIL's services) about cutting dad loose. She's got a very sweet deal; what she chooses to do will say loads about her character.

we have been through step 1 - gently suggesting that he cuts back on hours - there are some co-dependencies here. My FIL feels needed (loved) - my SIL has done this for so long that she does not know how to do things w/o his help any more. For example, we were on the phone w my FIL a few weeks ago on a Saturday. My FIL needed to cut it short b/c my SIL needed to go grocery shopping and he was going over there to watch the kids while she went to the store.

I hate to say it, but unless you have some concerns about your FIL's mental capacity, you have to accept that he's an adult and this is his decision. If this is what makes him feel loved, then for him the positives outweigh the negatives. It's not really up to you. You seem to be really invested in nitpicking every little detail of a situation that doesn't actually involve you at all. It sounds like you have some resentments toward your SIL/BIL, which may be valid but it also may be getting in the way of your judgment. You sound determined to "teach them a lesson," but you haven't actually described a situation where anyone is unhappy other than YOU.

[Anonymous]

Call CPS.

[Anonymous]

Why isn't your FIL handling this himself ? I assume he is a grown adult with decades of experience under his belt. Is he being held hostage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't your FIL handling this himself ? I assume he is a grown adult with decades of experience under his belt. Is he being held hostage?

I have seen many times within my own family (my father, mother, grandmother, my husband's grandmother) and as a health care professional that elderly people are the last to acknowledge their declining abilities. Frequently other family members are reluctant to see it as well. It's sad to come to the realization that grandma and grandma are no longer appropriate babysitters, drivers, etc. My 85 year old grandmother, with very limited upper body strength and mobility, wanted to babysit our 6 month old in the worst way. But she couldn't pick him up. How would that play out in an emergency? She was of sound mind, but had blinders on when it came to her physical abilities. Gotta protect the kids. But delicately.

[Anonymous]

It is clearly not a breaking point for the rest of the family or SIL would be putting a stop to it. Besides reminding her of the safety concerns and letting her make the decision to have him stop providing care, there isn't much recourse you have. All you can do is say your piece. FIL likely feels pressured to continue (hard to say no) compounded by the fact that he feels needed which is very important to an aging person.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP - my MIL (in-laws divorced) called this afternoon to talk about the situation including my FIL's health as he was sick late last week with bronchitis.

I posted some of my "nit-picking" details to try and give a sense of the situation for people who may have been in similar situations to share how they unraveled the environment. There is lots of history - way too much for DCUM.

I am posting b/c my husband asked me if I had any ideas. I did not. I thought there was some magic item - a resource, a book, an experience that we were not thinking about.

[Anonymous]

you sound jealous
stay out of it

[Anonymous]

Honestly, as I see this situation the positives outweighs the negatives. Feeling loved, NEEDED, productive, etc is important to everyone, specially the elderly! How old is FIL?

And I say all that as someone who does NOT have family support (at all).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP - my MIL (in-laws divorced) called this afternoon to talk about the situation including my FIL's health as he was sick late last week with bronchitis.

I posted some of my "nit-picking" details to try and give a sense of the situation for people who may have been in similar situations to share how they unraveled the environment. There is lots of history - way too much for DCUM.

I am posting b/c my husband asked me if I had any ideas. I did not. I thought there was some magic item - a resource, a book, an experience that we were not thinking about.

Iam sure your MIL can say something to her daughter if she chooses. Otherwise, if FIL is happy, SIL is happy, kids are happy - it is no one's business.