How would you approach - Grandparent providing childcare

[Anonymous]

I was just have a blunt conversation about it, bring up that kids require sacrifice and day care costs is one of then. They have money for xyz, but not day care? That's nuts. Fil should absolutely be involved with the kids but maybe two afternoons a week would be better than two full days. My grandma provided a ton of my care when I was small but I also went to day care some of the time too. I treasure the time I spent with her, but it's not a grandparents job to be a ft child care provider, esp when health issues are at stake. You just have to be blunt with them, blunt with fil, and let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just have a blunt conversation about it, bring up that kids require sacrifice and day care costs is one of then. They have money for xyz, but not day care? That's nuts. Fil should absolutely be involved with the kids but maybe two afternoons a week would be better than two full days. My grandma provided a ton of my care when I was small but I also went to day care some of the time too. I treasure the time I spent with her, but it's not a grandparents job to be a ft child care provider, esp when health issues are at stake. You just have to be blunt with them, blunt with fil, and let the chips fall where they may.

No she doesn't. It is not her father. *IF* anyone will be blunt, nosy, concerned, etc. It should bee his children.

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. These are not your kids and you FIL is not being held under duress. You live 8 hours away. This is not you business or the business of your husband.

Write back when your FIL starts complaining and feels too infirm to handle himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is clearly not a breaking point for the rest of the family or SIL would be putting a stop to it. Besides reminding her of the safety concerns and letting her make the decision to have him stop providing care, there isn't much recourse you have. All you can do is say your piece. FIL likely feels pressured to continue (hard to say no) compounded by the fact that he feels needed which is very important to an aging person.

of course the SIL is not putting a stop to it -- she has free child care for three kids and a fourth on the way!

[Anonymous]

it is OP and her husband's business if taking care of SIL's kids leads to FIL's poor health or worse and their kids don't get to have a relationship with her. some of you sound like it is fair for SIL to work him to death so she can have the life she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it is OP and her husband's business if taking care of SIL's kids leads to FIL's poor health or worse and their kids don't get to have a relationship with her. some of you sound like it is fair for SIL to work him to death so she can have the life she wants.

So he is a hostage? He is mentally retarded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should have a conversation with his sibling about their father's health, and ways that they can support him. Discussion about child care can be one of those things -- but it should be part of a larger discussion.

I agree with this. The fact that he falls asleep while watching young kids is concerning.

[Anonymous]

OP, my MIL did this and was oblivious. To the point of trying to complain about the DIL who did not! Desperate, yes. Funny, yes. Obvious, yes. Worth addressing, no. Everyone already knows. Every. Time. MIL. Opens. Her. Mouth.

Is FIL taken advantage of in most ways (like MIL here)?

[Anonymous]

Maybe providing childcare makes FIL's life meaningful. Maybe your SIL could hire a nanny in addition to FIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it is OP and her husband's business if taking care of SIL's kids leads to FIL's poor health or worse and their kids don't get to have a relationship with her. some of you sound like it is fair for SIL to work him to death so she can have the life she wants.

So he is a hostage? He is mentally retarded?

Does he have to be in order for someone to be looking out for his welfare? FIL is so tired that he is falling asleep while watching the children he is having symptoms of stress or heart disease. . There is also another baby on the way so there will be a temptation by SIL#1 to add to FIL's sitting duties when they should be reduced due to his increasing health issues and advancing age. I think OP and her husband are right to speak up. Compared to the SILs and FIL, they are the only ones who are independent enough to objectively evaluate the situation.

[barbarajones444]

Anonymous wrote:I would have my husband start by gently suggesting to FIL that he significantly cut back his babysitting hours. If FIL is reluctant to do that your husband should approach his sister (and any other siblings using FIL's services) about cutting dad loose. She's got a very sweet deal; what she chooses to do will say loads about her character.

I absolutely agree with you. As the son, your husband should take the initiative to solve this problem and talk to his sister about what is right and wrong. After all your FIL is his father and he must have to do something.

[Anonymous]

The siblings should talk it through. FIL can be helpful in many ways, still, without having to be so heavily responsible. First step would be for the SIL (and her spouse) to agree that his health and the safety of the kids are THE most important things. Convenience, savings, etc. are all secondary. A change will require adjustments by everyone involved, but it sounds like that's what's really needed. The Skype family meeting is a great idea.

I don't get the harsh comments about hostage, jealousy, etc. OP sounds nice and genuinely concerned. Sounds like SIL is turning a bit of a blind eye because she's got such a sweet deal (who the hell gets to have babysitting just for going to the grocery store?!). FIL may feel emotionally compelled, may love being needed, may love being able to help out his child, may be torn but on balance may feel he has to keep doing it. We all have situations of emotional ambivalence. It's not fair to expect FIL to either be a hostage or just pull the plug himself; situations are usually more complicated.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice, but God do I hate people who take advantage of their parents for free childcare. I have seen it happen so many times, and the thing is, the grandparents like to see their grandkids and feel TERRIBLE telling their children they can't watch their grandchildren/must watch them less. So they continue to do it long after they can really physically handle doing it, and the adult kids take full advantage because "She's grandma, she loves it!" Meanwhile, Grandma is being run ragged and her bitch daughter is getting free daycare for 50 hours a week. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP - my MIL (in-laws divorced) called this afternoon to talk about the situation including my FIL's health as he was sick late last week with bronchitis.

I posted some of my "nit-picking" details to try and give a sense of the situation for people who may have been in similar situations to share how they unraveled the environment. There is lots of history - way too much for DCUM.

I am posting b/c my husband asked me if I had any ideas. I did not. I thought there was some magic item - a resource, a book, an experience that we were not thinking about.

Your MIL might have some influence here, should she choose to use it. To SIL: "Look, DD, I couldn't stand to still be married to the man, but I am still concerned about his well-being, and as your father, you should be too. This is getting to be too much for him."

But, she's an adult and can already do this if she chooses, as can FIL decide to stop if he chooses, as can SIL wake up and realize she needs to pay for daycare.

It's really hard to be far away watching the train wreck waiting to happen, knowing you really can do nothing to stop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no advice, but God do I hate people who take advantage of their parents for free childcare. I have seen it happen so many times, and the thing is, the grandparents like to see their grandkids and feel TERRIBLE telling their children they can't watch their grandchildren/must watch them less. So they continue to do it long after they can really physically handle doing it, and the adult kids take full advantage because "She's grandma, she loves it!" Meanwhile, Grandma is being run ragged and her bitch daughter is getting free daycare for 50 hours a week. Ugh.

Couldn't agree more. It's entitlement.