How to deal with braggy/materialistic moms?

[Anonymous]

I recently took my 4 yr old daughter to a playdate at her new friend's house. They met at school and really like each other. The problem was mine, and it was with the new friend's mother. The family lives on a large estate complete with pool, pool house, huge brand spanking new 5 stall barn, horse jumping rink (I don't know what you really call those - I'm not horsey - oops!), pond, many cats, many dogs, bunnies, and all sorts of amenitites, plus acres and acres.

So far so good, except that, during this whole playdate, the new friend's mom kept going on and on about how great it is that her daughter never has to spend time in the house/watch TV/play with normal toys because she gets to be outside riding horses all the time, doing horse shows (in horsey-type places of course), and playing with all the animals on the farm. She marveled at how I could have possibly missed the different school parties she had held there at her house, complete with open bar, tents, blah blah blah. She kept saying how her daughter, my daughter's new friend, spends hours in that barn playing and helping with the horses. I, during this whole time, felt annoyed beyond measure. I wanted to tell this woman: "look lady! it's not because you're a genius that you have all these things (and that's it - it's just THINGS). It's because you lucked out (her husband is a businessman), and good for you. BUT, please don't rub my nose in it, and especially not in front of my 4 year old daughter, who may wonder then if something is wrong that she doesn't have all of the things you are bragging about.

So I'm annoyed at this rather clueless mother, yet, my daughter keeps wanting to play with this new friend. The new friend is super sweet and very nice, so no issues there (so far, that is), but only my issues with the friend's mother.

Continue playdates? If so, how to handle this mom?

[Anonymous]

First, at 4, your child is old en ough for a drop-off playdate. And it does sound like a fun place for a 4-yo to visit. Second, the mom is either materialistic or clueless - probably not both.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think you sound a bit insecure. I wasn't there. Maybe this mom really was trying to "rub your nose in it". but I kind of doubt it.

Having had the benefit of growing up around horses (and no, we WEREN'T rich -- I rode other peoples horses, groomed, mucked stall, etc.), I feel I got SO MUCH out of that experience, that I'd LOVE to share it with my kids. If they take an interest in horses, I'd love to get them somewhere where they can also grow up (at least partially) with a farm environment. Talk about a (mostly) healthy life style... fresh air, no TV, lots of work to be done... She's probably just excited that her daughter has this opportunity, and maybe she's trying to share it with you and your child?

I'd try to step back and relax. Clearly her wealth makes you uncomfortable, but that's YOUR hang up... not her problem. She invited you and your daughter to come over -- that's nice of her. It would be a shame if you let your insecurities dictate what you think of this woman.

[Anonymous]

I think you're overreacting. The woman was making conversation. There's no evidence in what you said that she intended to make you feel bad. In fact, she may assume you have all the things she has. Assume the best about her motivations--that she was just talking about things that make her happy (it IS nice that her daughter--and now yours--gets to play outside with all these animals)--and see if you have sufficient grounds for friendship. If not, let it go, and just say hello when you drop your daughter off.

[Anonymous]

eh, i think that woman was a hag. horses aren't that great. remember what happened to bonnie butler in "gone with the wind"? HA!

just smile and nod. there isn't much to say to rich windbags. the woman sounds insecure and boorish.

[Anonymous]

I'm with the PP here, do drop-off playdates as much as possible. Make sure you invite your daughter's friend to your home for playdates as well. If someone really bothers me I try not to spend too much time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In fact, she may assume you have all the things she has.

Which, okay, might make her thoughtless but would not support the interpretation that she thinks she has these things because she's special/better than youl.

[Anonymous]

Original poster here. OK. I love this site. This is great information from you all. So it sounds like the issue may be mostly mine, in which case, given that I'm an adult, I can deal with it, and have my daughter continue playdates with her new friend, possibly even through drop-offs.

One question remains though: would being exposed to ALL of that not taint my daughter's expectations of me/my husband/the world? How would you suggest dealing with possible questions from my daughter like: "how come we don't have ....?" The simple answer is: "because we don't have as much money." Maybe that's how I should deal with it, and allow my daughter the opportunity to deal with these kinds of issues early on.

Your thoughts?

[Anonymous]

First, have more playdates at your house! That alleviates the mcmansion envy....secondly, your 4 year old isn't going to act insecurely to this stuff unless you do...NEVER mention money. When my older DD notices people have more or less, I simply say, 'yes, everyone lives differently and I love our life' and then I smile and hug her. Don't introduce your DD to money in this way...a lifetime of worry. Besides, if you had the money, would you live that way anyway? It is natural for your DD to get jealous of others as she gets older (who doesn't?) but you have to play it cool and just listen...

[Anonymous]

I feel for OP. Though it may be her own insecurity, it's hard not to be put off by people who go on and on about their material trappings. I'm sure it's our own jealousy, but it's still unsettling.
It especially pisses me off when it's not the bragging woman who made the money, but her husband! Perhaps she herself is insecure for that reason. Who knows.

Anyway, to answer OP's second question. I don't think it's a problem for your daughter to hang out with someone wealthy like that. It's a good lesson on life. You can tell her that yes, it's nice Suzy has horses, etc. but our life is great too. And then perhaps discuss all the people in the world who are less fortunate that your family.

[Anonymous]

i grew up poor among very wealthy friends. and, yes, i was very jealous of all their "things". it made me grow up wanting to provide for myself. i'm extremely independent and my husband and i have carved out a nice life for ourselves and our son. you can't protect your daughter from people who have more. as someone else said, it's just another life lesson. there will always be those who have more, and those who have less. it's not a bad thing!

[Anonymous]

Like the PP I also grew up relatively poor in comparison to many of my super wealthy friends. My family was upper middle class, but most of the others lived on estates with names. I was aware of it as I got older, but my parents never made it an issue and never acted jealous of what the others had. Having all that wealth did not always equate to happiness. I found that many of my friends liked hanging out at my house because my parents were around and involved. They liked the things I had that they didn't have and vice versa. If you are happy with what you have that is all that really matters. Someone will always have a bigger house/car/barn/airplane/boat.

[Anonymous]

Lots of wise advice on here already, but I would say that kids will notice on their own as they get older that people have more (and less) than they do. It sounds like your daughter's playmate is very nice and sweet, and so I would keep your focus and your daughter's focus on choosing friends who are kind and fun, and good to be around and let your daughter know you like her friend because of her personality. If being around the mother bothers you, do drop offs, playdates at your house, or just go and enjoy what sounds like a beautiful surrounding and just laugh inwardly if she is annoying you!

[Anonymous]

I think it says a lot too that the daughter of this family is very nice and sweet. A 4-year old with that much stuff could be a total nightmare. The parents are obviously doing a lot right. I'd take this is a good opportunity to explain some people have more than others -- that's the way life is. The important thing here is not stuff but that you're kind, considerate, etc. -- you get the gist.

[Anonymous]

I would try and think of it from your daughter's perspective - its great that she is able to go to her friend's house and play with horses. Its like being able to go over to a friend's house that has a Wii or a trampoline - how great that she gets access to this fun stuff on occasion, but you don't have to buy it, take care of it or have the temptation of this extreme toy all the time.