How to deal with braggy/materialistic moms?

[Anonymous]

Not to mention, it can be a great way to teach kids about hard work...

If your daughter says, "why can't I have a pony?" Tell her, "sweetie, if you want a pony, you want to work really hard in school, because ponies are very expensive. Then when you're all grown up, you can have several ponies if you want to!"

[Anonymous]

OP - don't you think you included enough detail that the parent you are talking about will know you are referring to her or maybe the other parents in your daughter's class/school? When you include that much information you're not exactly anonymous.

[Anonymous]

But what if she turns around and says, "Why don't you have ponies--does that mean you didn't work hard?"

I hesitate to equate financial success and hard work, given the many other factors that come into play (not the least of which is being born into wealth).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Original poster here. OK. I love this site. This is great information from you all. So it sounds like the issue may be mostly mine, in which case, given that I'm an adult, I can deal with it, and have my daughter continue playdates with her new friend, possibly even through drop-offs.

OP, maybe this issue is mostly yours but my reaction to your original post was that the woman herself might be deeply insecure and feel she has to brag about these things. If that was the case, just try to visualize for yourself how it must feel to be her (not pleasant) and that will help cure you of any insecurity or jealousy.

Anyway, best to be open to varying explanations for now. Sounds like you'll get a chance to be around her again and then you can get a better handle on what's going on.

[Anonymous]

I didn't get anything from the original post that sounded like the 'rich mom' was bragging. Everthing quoted sounded quite normal to me; perhaps she is even a bit uncomfortable with all that she has. That said, I have some issues with my DC going to a 'rich' school (mcmansions, not horse estates) while we are living in a small house. I too think some of the parents are shocking in their exhibitions of shallowness and gluttony -- yes, gluttony is a sin, if not downright ugly -- and if I had that kind of money I hope I wouldn't spend it on things like massive houses or redecorating massive houses, or waste my time talking about my massive house, etc. At first I did get questions from DC like, why can't we move to a bigger house? Because the house we live in is ALREADY too big for us (true). But for the most part, the parents at the school are very nice and so are thier kids. I'm sure it's the same at your DC's school. We also live in a neighborhood of small houses mixed with McMansions, and our McMansion neighbors are also very nice and make good neighbors. Focus on the positive people and ignore the shallow ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Original poster here. OK. I love this site. This is great information from you all. So it sounds like the issue may be mostly mine, in which case, given that I'm an adult, I can deal with it, and have my daughter continue playdates with her new friend, possibly even through drop-offs.

One question remains though: would being exposed to ALL of that not taint my daughter's expectations of me/my husband/the world? How would you suggest dealing with possible questions from my daughter like: "how come we don't have ....?" The simple answer is: "because we don't have as much money." Maybe that's how I should deal with it, and allow my daughter the opportunity to deal with these kinds of issues early on.

Your thoughts?

I am not certain that I believe this woman's values are straight. But maybe they are. If so, then I think it is fine for your daughter to be hanging around, as long as she understands that life is not about bigger houses and horses - and that's not an excuse for those who can't afford them but a matter of different values.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom friend does read this site. Just a heads up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom friend does read this site. Just a heads up.

How do you know that? Are you the mom friend?

[Anonymous]

OP here. OK. So suppose the friend's mother does read this post? So, maybe this is a good opportunity for growth for all. This is why I posted here in the first place. I infact opened myself up to criticism, in fact got criticized, and learned that I was perhaps acting insecure or over-reacting, etc, and am learning from it, without mentioning any names.

So maybe the new friend's mom can learn from this too, and be more sensitive.

The real thing here is that no one is perfect, and I put myself out there to learn, and I learned, and that is good. Perhaps I even learned that maybe this mom just wanted to share her happiness/comfort with me, and maybe that I was not open to that. It raised important questions about teaching all kinds of values to my children. I don't see anything wrong with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. OK. So suppose the friend's mother does read this post? So, maybe this is a good opportunity for growth for all. This is why I posted here in the first place. I infact opened myself up to criticism, in fact got criticized, and learned that I was perhaps acting insecure or over-reacting, etc, and am learning from it, without mentioning any names.

So maybe the new friend's mom can learn from this too, and be more sensitive.

The real thing here is that no one is perfect, and I put myself out there to learn, and I learned, and that is good. Perhaps I even learned that maybe this mom just wanted to share her happiness/comfort with me, and maybe that I was not open to that. It raised important questions about teaching all kinds of values to my children. I don't see anything wrong with this.

well if you don't feel embarrassed about it.... ok! i know i would though.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been impressed with your responses and hope that the other parent would be, too.

[Anonymous]

OP, good for you! It is rare that I actually read someone on this site who is willing to change and grow! I doubt the mom is on this site, they are always outside with the horses, right? Just kidding, but really, there may be some insecurity on BOTH sides which is what I usually find. Sometimes those with so much can tend to want to justify it or explain it away, wealth can some people nervous and it turn, it makes you uncomfortable. I like the idea of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, it is a way of finding similarities rather than differences, even if then you have to stick to school talk....

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, good for you! It is rare that I actually read someone on this site who is willing to change and grow! I doubt the mom is on this site, they are always outside with the horses, right? Just kidding, but really, there may be some insecurity on BOTH sides which is what I usually find. Sometimes those with so much can tend to want to justify it or explain it away, wealth can some people nervous and it turn, it makes you uncomfortable. I like the idea of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, it is a way of finding similarities rather than differences, even if then you have to stick to school talk....

Good luck.

Interesting insight, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Original poster here. OK. I love this site. This is great information from you all. So it sounds like the issue may be mostly mine, in which case, given that I'm an adult, I can deal with it, and have my daughter continue playdates with her new friend, possibly even through drop-offs.

One question remains though: would being exposed to ALL of that not taint my daughter's expectations of me/my husband/the world? How would you suggest dealing with possible questions from my daughter like: "how come we don't have ....?" The simple answer is: "because we don't have as much money." Maybe that's how I should deal with it, and allow my daughter the opportunity to deal with these kinds of issues early on.

Your thoughts?

My child is at a new school and suddenly going on tons of playdates at NW DC mansions. We live in a modest house in a very nice neighborhood, but let's face it - we're not in the same "mansion" league! I find it very uncomfortable, but I think it's because I always considered myself very very lucky to have as much as I have. These people are just the top-top of the world's one percent in wealth. So I just suck it up for my child and figure that she's meeting lots of friends and getting a great education.

This is my long-winded way of saying I feel your pain! But as long as the other child is nice, I would probably suck it up and just figure hopefully you'll save lots of money on horse-riding lessons if they stay friends! Also, I might put some thought into fun activities in YOUR house (art maybe) that make it just as fun a playdate destination!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom friend does read this site. Just a heads up.

Does anyone believe this? I did feel a frissure (sp) of anxiety on OP’s behalf when I saw it.

Nevertheless, I find the OP's reaction very refreshing/mature to say the least. A willingness to learn and grow without being defensive in the face of criticism is admirable in my opinion and something that few can achieve.