How to reach out to my son

[Anonymous]

I feel like my son (19 y.o.) is messing up his life but afraid to interfere too much not to lose connection with him. He is a sophomore in college, used to live in the dorms, but after a failed semester lost his scholarship and moved in with us. Although his grades went up, he hated living with at home and asked to rent him an apartment in the city. We refused (just don't have the money). He then found a job that pays well but not enough to pay the for the apartment. The job is interesting and in his field, but we cautioned him that it's impossible to combine 30 hrs a week with being a full time student. He admitted contemplating dropping out of college. Finally, he moved in with his girlfriend that he met in August (so he knows her for less than 6 months). She is a bit older and will be graduating this year. DH and I are not psyched about her for a number of reasons but keep our mouths shut. He also has several fake IDs and drinks regularly. We confiscated IDs, he'd get new ones. Now when he's not living with us, we are not sure how much he drinks and since the girl is smoking he picked up smoking too. He gets very pissy, screams, slams doors or just leaves when we are trying to approach the situation. We have no control over the situation anymore and scared that he'll drop out of college and we'll become a drunk (family history here). What would you do?

[Anonymous]

How do you want things to be different/what is it you want from him?

[Anonymous]

If this were me, I would tell him either he lives at home and commits himself to his studies, or he pays for college himself, with his 30 hour/week job. Of course, he could just as easily lash out and drop out of college. He sounds like he has little to no self control, which I guess is common in guys his age, but in addition the teenager-esque tantrums and asking you to rent him an apartment after he failed and lost his scholarship just because he "hates" living at home suggests that he's very spoiled on top of that. He seems to know that he has control over you in this situation. Are you willing to let him fail in the short term, or would you rather prop him up for a long time only for him to fail a little later? Your choice.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I would also add that it seems like there were no consequences for failing and losing his scholarship other than moving home. I have a cousin like this, he verbally abuses his mother endlessly, then asks for money and help, and she takes it because she's afraid he'll cut her out of his life. This is a really unhealthy dynamic, and btw, my cousin is almost 40- it won't stop when your kid gets older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you want things to be different/what is it you want from him?

Honestly, I want him to lead a life appropriate for his age (in my eyes, so it's subjective): focus on studies, date girls but not live with them just yet, pick up a sport and stop drinking and smoking. In my wildest dreams I'd like him to save up for travel, not for an apartment, like different types of women (will never admit to him or anyone really), have fun hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this were me, I would tell him either he lives at home and commits himself to his studies, or he pays for college himself, with his 30 hour/week job. Of course, he could just as easily lash out and drop out of college. He sounds like he has little to no self control, which I guess is common in guys his age, but in addition the teenager-esque tantrums and asking you to rent him an apartment after he failed and lost his scholarship just because he "hates" living at home suggests that he's very spoiled on top of that. He seems to know that he has control over you in this situation. Are you willing to let him fail in the short term, or would you rather prop him up for a long time only for him to fail a little later? Your choice.

Thank you! That's what he told us - he wants to drop out of college, his "boss did not go to college and did well". This "inspired" my son to drop out. You are right about absence of self-control - he cannot refuse himself anything.
I see your point but it's impossible to say no to him! If I say no money - he'd beg, cajole, plead until I give up. My husband is so scared to "lose" DS that picked a strategy of being "buddies" so he can find out what's going on in DS's lig=fe.
Our older daughter was a goody-goody child (she's 12 years older): never asked for money, put herself through college, read a lot, did fun things, We were younger, she was our first child and as a result we were much stricter with her. DH is very conservative, so no boys were allowed in the house, she was not allowed to live in the dorms, etc. She respected our rules and listened, but the son does not care and we don't know how to react. At the same time, our son turned out sweeter, kinder person than daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP your son sounds neither "sweet" nor "kind." He sounds rotten and is taking advantage of you and your DH's largesse and you appear perfectly willing to let him. If you think letting him walk all over you is the only way to get him to keep you in his life, that's a twisted dynamic that you've created. Here's a newsflash from someone who has seen this in my own family: he's just going to drain you of resources, disappoint you with his lousy choices and disrespect, and then cut you off anyway when you have nothing left to offer him.

[Anonymous]

Just want to point out too that it's very unfair your daughter paid for her own college and your son isn't. I hope you made good on that some how. Good luck with your situation.

[Anonymous]

I have to agree with PPs that your son sounds spoiled. I really hate to say this, because I know you can't change it now, but the lack of discipline growing up will always bite you in the ass in the end. And it's very commonly a problem with youngest children due to the fact that parents go easy on them.

I say let him fail a little now, too. I have a friend (also the youngest) whose parents put him through undergrad AND law school. He quit his job as in-house counsel to become an "entrepreneur" (read: he does nothing all day and fiddles around trying to get small business grants). If his parents had forced him to be accountable for his life earlier, and make his own mistakes and pay his own way, he may have been more responsible and learned the value of making better choices. As it is, his parents are bankrupting themselves (they are both retired) to pay for his rent and bills now (he's in his 30s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just want to point out too that it's very unfair your daughter paid for her own college and your son isn't. I hope you made good on that some how. Good luck with your situation.

Agree!! And the daughter was "goody-goody," not exactly a compliment. Your daughter sounds like she was a good kid.

[Anonymous]

Is this a change? Was he a responsible kid before? Has he generally dropped out of things? Was he always 'the bad/difficult' kid in comparison to the 'good' sibling?

Any chance their is a mental health issue - maybe depression going on? It could just be unhappiness but I would consider depression too.

[Anonymous]

You can't do everything for him. The more you do, the more he will take advantage. Your attitude towards your daughter (the goodie-goodie) makes me wonder how you brought your son up. To be more of a baddie-baddie? Looks like it from here. Teenagers usually shape up when they se how hard it is without mommy/daddy money.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have any actual advice, but I do have some words of encouragement.

My nephew sounds a lot like your son. The middle of three boys, he was the only one who didn't attend college, moved to the city and started living with his older (by 2 years) girlfriend. He drinks quite a bit and does smoke. My sister was very upset that he was throwing his life away and wished he'd taken a more traditional path. After 5 years of being together, he and the GF recently married and both have stable jobs in retail/service profession. They seem pretty happy and support themselves fully. My sister still wishes my nephew would go back to college, but has come to accept that's not what he wants right now. She and my BIL have a pretty good relationship with their son and his wife, and my sister will say that her son is a good person, a hard worker, and just needs to do things his way. It's not what she'd hoped for, but she's really glad she didn't cut off communication or damage her relationship with him. In the end, our kids have to lead their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't have any actual advice, but I do have some words of encouragement.

My nephew sounds a lot like your son. The middle of three boys, he was the only one who didn't attend college, moved to the city and started living with his older (by 2 years) girlfriend. He drinks quite a bit and does smoke. My sister was very upset that he was throwing his life away and wished he'd taken a more traditional path. After 5 years of being together, he and the GF recently married and both have stable jobs in retail/service profession. They seem pretty happy and support themselves fully. My sister still wishes my nephew would go back to college, but has come to accept that's not what he wants right now. She and my BIL have a pretty good relationship with their son and his wife, and my sister will say that her son is a good person, a hard worker, and just needs to do things his way. It's not what she'd hoped for, but she's really glad she didn't cut off communication or damage her relationship with him. In the end, our kids have to lead their own lives.

I wanted to add something. OP, I'd pick my battles with this son. Decide to stay in his life but don't be an enabler. If he wants to quit college he needs to accept the consequences. He finds a way to support himself. Also, if you stay connected you stand a better chance of helping him address unhelathy habits or decisions, like drinking too much. The drinking sounds like something to keep an eye on. Keep the lines of communication open and you may have an opportunity to intervene here if the time comes to do so. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this were me, I would tell him either he lives at home and commits himself to his studies, or he pays for college himself, with his 30 hour/week job. Of course, he could just as easily lash out and drop out of college. He sounds like he has little to no self control, which I guess is common in guys his age, but in addition the teenager-esque tantrums and asking you to rent him an apartment after he failed and lost his scholarship just because he "hates" living at home suggests that he's very spoiled on top of that. He seems to know that he has control over you in this situation. Are you willing to let him fail in the short term, or would you rather prop him up for a long time only for him to fail a little later? Your choice.

Thank you! That's what he told us - he wants to drop out of college, his "boss did not go to college and did well". This "inspired" my son to drop out. You are right about absence of self-control - he cannot refuse himself anything.
I see your point but it's impossible to say no to him! If I say no money - he'd beg, cajole, plead until I give up. My husband is so scared to "lose" DS that picked a strategy of being "buddies" so he can find out what's going on in DS's lig=fe.Our older daughter was a goody-goody child (she's 12 years older): never asked for money, put herself through college, read a lot, did fun things, We were younger, she was our first child and as a result we were much stricter with her. DH is very conservative, so no boys were allowed in the house, she was not allowed to live in the dorms, etc. She respected our rules and listened, but the son does not care and we don't know how to react. At the same time, our son turned out sweeter, kinder person than daughter.

Here is your problem, OP, in big black bolding. And as the mother of boys who are now 9, 6 and 4, I am printing this out and pasting it to my bathroom mirror. I think your problems started long ago.