How to reach out to my son

[Anonymous]

16:24 sounds exactly right to me. I have had a much better relationship with my 19 yr old since I told her that she is now her own person, makes her own decisions. I said I will no longer try to steer her, I love her and I'm here for her if she needs.

[Anonymous]

You have spoiled your son and your good daughter, understandably, is resentful.

The best you can do is let your son go for now. He wants to live an adult lifestyle; he can fund it himself.

Giving him more money is simply enabling him.

I'd work in rebuilding your relationship with your wonderful daughter. It sounds like she has very good reason to be unhappy with how you have treated her vs her brother.

[Anonymous]

There really isn't anything you can do. He's an adult, he will either drop out of college or he won't. Don't support any behavior financially that you are opposed to - e.g., drinking, smoking etc. If he is going to choose to work instead of going to college he needs to support himself. But I would not lecture him about moving in with the girl, dropping out etc. Just let him know your position once and what the consequences will be and he can move forward with his choices and accept and live with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to let him go from your life for now. In about 10 years, he'll wise up. At least, most kids like this do. Cut him off now so you'll have something left to give him when he returns a truly repent prodigal son in about a decade.

Don't cut him out of your life but do create some distance. You are trying to control and he is exerting his independence by rebelling. The only thing you can control is your own behavior. Don't fund his lifestyle. Get counseling so you and husband are on same page. He'll be quicker to return if you stop pursuing him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I feel like my son (19 y.o.) is messing up his life but afraid to interfere too much not to lose connection with him. He is a sophomore in college, used to live in the dorms, but after a failed semester lost his scholarship and moved in with us. Although his grades went up, he hated living with at home and asked to rent him an apartment in the city. We refused (just don't have the money). He then found a job that pays well but not enough to pay the for the apartment. The job is interesting and in his field, but we cautioned him that it's impossible to combine 30 hrs a week with being a full time student. He admitted contemplating dropping out of college. Finally, he moved in with his girlfriend that he met in August (so he knows her for less than 6 months). She is a bit older and will be graduating this year. DH and I are not psyched about her for a number of reasons but keep our mouths shut. He also has several fake IDs and drinks regularly. We confiscated IDs, he'd get new ones. Now when he's not living with us, we are not sure how much he drinks and since the girl is smoking he picked up smoking too. He gets very pissy, screams, slams doors or just leaves when we are trying to approach the situation. We have no control over the situation anymore and scared that he'll drop out of college and we'll become a drunk (family history here). What would you do?

Mom, please consider the fact that you can work 30 hours and be a full time student. I did that, because I had to put myself through school, and I needed a car my parents couldn't afford. I'm 35 now and did a lot of the things your son is doing - smoking, social drinking (sometimes more than was prudent) - but I always made it work because school was important to me. My mother didn't like it but she kept her mouth shut about the smoking, drinking and boyfriends I hated, because she knew she couldn't control me in that way anymore and that it would backfire in her face (it would have). I did a lot of stupid crap, and probably wasn't very nice to her. I look back on that time now and see how utterly wise my mom was. Her one goal in life was to get all of her kids through college. She was not going to get deterred from that by focusing on the trees at the expense of the forest. And guess what? I'm a professional with a masters degree, professional job, family, house - the whole works.

It sounds like your son doesn't have the focus on school that I did, but I really do think that your attitude probably comes across to your son as punitive and demeaning. I realize that is not your intent, but I'm a firm believer that perception is reality, so to your son, that's likely his reality. Have you tried having an honest conversation with him, to let him know that you are concerned and to ask him how he is feeling about the way things are going? He's a 19yo boy. At the same time that he is going out of his way to prove to you that he is an adult, he still desperately needs you. But of course you can't admit that to your parents at that age. So you have to find a way to let him know that you are still there but that you do not intend to treat him like a child, nor will you try to control him or make decisions for him (because you have to admit your attempts to do that are failing right now).

Good luck. God I dread being in your shoes one day. I know it can't be easy.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am in your daughters position and have completely cut my parents out of my life, in large part due to the gross disparity btwn treatment of my younger brother and treatment of me. Cut your son loose and maybe BOTH your relationships with your kids will eventually strengthen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am in your daughters position and have completely cut my parents out of my life, in large part due to the gross disparity btwn treatment of my younger brother and treatment of me. Cut your son loose and maybe BOTH your relationships with your kids will eventually strengthen.

This is pretty harsh. The sister is a full generation older. Parents were probably not as financially able to pay for college and its entirely possible that the daughter has a self righteous streak and is mean. You might feel differently once you have kids.